30 September 2011

Thinking Paper #128: Brillo vs. the Ginger one from Girls Aloud

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

Did you see Brillo interviewing the Ginger one from Girls Aloud on This Week last night? It was well weird.







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Brillo vs. Nicole from Girls Aloud

One of Girls Aloud was on telly last night cos she has a solo album out. Brillo did a lot of flirting. Portillo said it was one of the most wretched things to have ever happened. The PR bods plugging the new album considered it a PR triumph.

Conclusion

This thinking paper was really just an attempt to get you to witness a weird meeting of minds which the IIPBA thought was the product of a whisky-induced dream.

Thinking Paper #127: Questions on Yvette Cooper

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

Last night on the old speaking box Andrew Neill asked "If Yvette Cooper is the answer, what on earth is the question?". This made the IIPBA laugh, so we decided to suggest some possible solutions.

Questions on Yvette Cooper

Andrew, for your consideration:
  • Which shadow cabinet member has the same haircut as her husband?
  • Which shadow cabinet member appears most human when given the chance to make a speech to the Labour conference, but only by a narrow margin, and when compared to a real human, not really?
  • Who came second in the biennial "Which shadow cabinet minister looks most like a pre-teen lesbian" competition behind Dougie Alexander?
  • Which shadow cabinet member reportedly spend her weekends stalking Elk through the forests of North America?
Concluding Comments

Christ, she's dull. To see Yvette in action, please watch Ian "the Jack Russell" Hislop enjoying her company during Question Time http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/question_time/8298203.stm

Thinking Paper #127 - Pickings from the Pickler

By Roger Daring

Abstract

The IIPBA is overjoyed to welcome the return of Eric ‘The Pickler’ Pickles to the front page of our wonderful printed newssheets.


Pickings from the Pickler

The Pickler has some plans - big, warbling, oversized plans with chins that make necks and necks that make chins. He wants to get the bins collected more, lots bloody more.

Despite the harsh economic conditions that have not only caused millions of people to slip ‘n’ slide further towards poverty, but has also convinced the sun to physically hide from our economy all summer - the first ‘terrified sun’ on meteorological record, the magnificent Pickler has stumped up 250 “buckaroons” (millions) to pick up smaller piles of rubbish more regularly, rather than larger piles less regularly.

The Daily Mail briefly paused its never-ending, high-pitched scream to pat good ole’ Eric on the chin (back?) before continuing its unremitting wail.

Concluding remarks

At the IIPBA we don’t produce much waste, Ron occasionally chucks a bit of paper in the bin. Tim, now and again, leaves a wholly holey sock in the recycling, Jacinta sweeps up some pencil sharpenings whilst furrowing her sweet, sweet brow and working on her next piece of magnificence. Despite this ecological pin print, we think Pickler’s rubbish policy proves that he should be promoted from Communities Secretary to World Secretary of the Post Bureaucratic Age. Yeah, you show ‘em Eric, you and your rubbish.

The irony that ‘the Pickler’ wants to pick up rubbish more regularly to stop it from pickling on the street did not escape us. In fact it has been the topic of numerous guffaws all afternoon.

Eric’s rise to fame and glory has convinced the Conservative leadership to give him a cameo role in Blue Movie (see Thinking Paper #92) - as Jabba the Pickler, Lord Commander of the Bullingdon Club.

Thinking Paper #126: Autumn's heatwave, speedboats and an economic recovery?‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

It's bloody hot isn't it? That's what the word on the street is. Now, if snow causes a drop in economic growth and Pippa Middleton's bottom causes a hike, what does unseasonal warmth do? The IIPBA looks at the liklihood of climate change rescuing George's hopes of sticking to Plan A.
It's hot!

Last night the IIPBA carried out a field study on a boat pub on the river Thames and, after a couple of drinks and some keen observing, came to two strong conclusions:

1. During periods of warm weather rich people who live in Chelsea get in their speed boats and tear up and down the river. They drink champagne from flutes made out of the hands of endangered Pandas and they buy extra nice chinos, boating shoes and open neck shirts that cost more than I earn in a week running the IIPBA

2. The British public drink more. This leads to a) spending more money in pubs and therefore supporting the drink industry b) buying more fatty food on the way home from the pub because it's a good idea therefore supporting the kebab industry and c) making more erratic online purchasing decisions specifically related to porn therefore supporting the porn industry.

3. When it is hot, ugly girls seem to think it acceptable to smoke drugs and display "side boob" and folds of fat at boat pubs, and no one bats an eyelid.

4. Doesn't it feel like being on holiday?

Concluding Comments

It's nice when it's hot isn't it. People are happier.

Friday's Thinking Points


By Ron Ford Golightly and Tim Massingberd James
  • It’s one year ago this week that Labour voted in the wrong brother. This becomes clearer with every facial expression that Ed Miliband bands across our lovely widescreen televisions.
  • A 16 year old lad cares about politics, and is being compared to William Hague. The IIPBA looks forward to stories about how nothing happened in the hotel room he shared with a pretty looking chap during the 2031 election campaign.
  • The IMF runs out of made up money as some more made up money is set to be printed on Mervyn King's home computer. Across the channel a "Grand Plan" is announced to save the Euro which includes something about making up some more future money to help banks etc.
  • Is Michael Jackson's former doctor a bad lad or not? The IIPBA is confused.
  • Another freakin iphone is released (the iphone 78) with a super duper hyper senstive touch screen and a 1650mAh battery widget board. Am I the only one to still be excited by a nice cloud or the sight of a crow eating a tomato?
  • In other technology based news, Facebook relaunched this week with a new feature which allows billions of people to bore billions of other people with more insipid details of their life.
  • No matter how hard the papers try to find pictures of Amanda Knox looking mental, the IIPBA still would.
  • Christmas arrives sooner than expected as shops struggle to sell crap to people who definitely don't need any more crap in their lives or mince pies or advent calendars or christmas crackers or bloody bells on top.

Thinking Paper #125: The Party Conference season - up last, that incumbent Conservative lot


By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

Last week we enjoyed watching Ed Miliband’s silly face. Apparently 11,000 people were in attendance to watch his silly face. Silly face. Silly face.

Conservative conference - our predictions
  • As the champagne is smuggled in the back door and members don their condom face tribute masks to their leader, George Osborne will be making some last minute tweaks to his speech which will announce that the Labour lot don’t have a plan to rescue the economy and that his plan is working, despite most evidence to the contrary.
  • Over the course of the week there will be at least two u-turns and one knee jerk response
  • Everyone over the age of 30 will constantly bleat on about how it was nicer when the conferences were at the seaside.
  • Cameron will strike a sombre note with his speech whilst wearing a black top hat and carrying a wreath with his own name on it. He will go on to complain that he doesn’t get as many holidays as he used to.
  • Guido Fawkes, Eric Pickles and Andrew Neil will all lend their support to the event with the prettiest girls and the best quality free drink.
  • Eric Pickles will fall through the stage floor whilst talking about bin collections. As he rests within the rubble, a single tear will roll down his cheek as he remembers what he really wanted to do with his life. His dream was to be a sculptor.
  • None of the band of hard eurosceptic MPs will bother going, preferring to spend their time at their third home in the Dordogne.
  • Michael Gove and other key Conservative cabinet members will publicly declare their love for Tony Blair. It will emerge that Gove has a tattoo on his thigh of the full transcript of Blair’s Iraq speech that he made to the House of Commons in 2003.
  • That women who’s the Secretary of State for Wales will turn up in a tracksuit and when asked by Nick Robinson why she thought it was appropriate to wear what she did, she will tell him in no uncertain terms to “fuck off”.

29 September 2011

Thinking Paper: Happy birthday Silvio

By Ron Ford Golightly

To commemorate Silvio Berlusconi's 75th birthday today, the IIPBA has set out the following quiz questions. To play along at home, simply answer 'True' or 'False':

  1. Berlusconi only managed to have sex with 8 prostitutes during his new year eve party in 2009 - he was aiming for 11
  2. Everyone criticises Berlusconi because they are jealous of his lifestyle which closely resembles that of a decadent Roman Emperor
  3. Berlusconi is an accomplished double bass player and he co-wrote the anthem for AC Milan football club
  4. Amongst other things, Berlusconi's Freedom party aims to combat the "bureaucratic oppression of Italians". Hear, hear!
  5. Berlusconi has a pizza named after him in Finland - the main topping is smoked Reindeer.
  6. Berlusconi once had a game of hide and seek with Chancellor Merkel
Happy birthday Silvio - we think that you are both dreadful and brilliant!

28 September 2011

Thinking Paper #123: The fastest u-turn in history‏


By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

The other day right, Ivan Lewis said something about journos. He said that if they get caught sniffing people's dirty laundry then they should be struck off. Then everyone said, that's bloody ridiculous, including Eds spokesman, so Ivan said that he wouldn't speak again until being told to do so by Labour HQ. Some papers said this was the fastest u-turn in history so the IIPBA decided to investigate.

Who dunnit?

Loads of people dunnit. Gordon Brown dunnit (10p tax rate), so did Dave (NHS reform), as did Nick (Lib Dem manifesto pledges). Why?

1. The thing is, politicians feel like they have to say things all the time and appear as though they have something to say. The more someone speaks, the less useful the words become (look at 24 hour news). So they rush things out and make silly statements about bankers and other such bastards.

2. Sometimes, prepare yourself for this, politicians speak their mind, This usually leads to getting "slapped down" by spotty apparatchiks back at party HQ. Sometimes they also get banned from going on the Today programme for being naughty and not remembering their lines to take.

3. Finally, they like to say things that will get them a really big cheer from the party faithful. They often do this in the full knowledge that the announcement sounds a little silly / unfair / unplanned to everyone else.

Concluding Comments

Ivan Lewis's u-turn was said to be the fastest in history. The IIPBA disagrees, back in 2007 Lord West, the then Security Minister, questioned the evidence that the government needed 28 days pre-charge detention for terrorist suspects. He said this at 8:20am. After a quick "coffee" with Gordon Brown, he announced at 9.30am that he was now "personally convinced" that the police needed the full 28 days to lock terrorists up without charge. Lord West now sits in the House of Lords being a Lord and slagging off Denmark.

Thinking Paper #122 – Should we care whether or not Ed Miliband is anti-business?

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

As Ed Mili-bland takes to the Today Programme to tell snoozing Brits that he is “not anti-business”, the IIPBA asks whether this is important, and if we should care?



Should we care whether or not boring Ed is anti-business?

Ed Miliband gave a fairly ordinary speech yesterday where he said some things about how some people were good and some were bad, and he had a special gift that means he can tell which ones are which before the bad stuff they are doing is uncovered.

At the IIPBA offices, we were positively glued to our tellies for the speech, and certainly didn't use the afternoon for a bike ride to a 13th century public garden which was once home to Railway Children author E Nesbit. That's why we know what we're talking about.

During our tour of the garden, a nice old lady remarked what nice weather we're having for late September, and the look in her eyes suggested she had never heard of Ed Miliband, didn't care who he was, and was quite happy not to know.

Since then, the IIPBA has conducted an in depth survey of 30,000 brits and has found that not a single real person actually cares about who Ed Miliband is, or what he thinks. The most popular reason for this was "because he will never be Prime Minister".

This morning's interview justifying his not-anti-business credentials was, therefore, an exercise in futility, especially given that eventually Ed Balls will manage to get rid of him, and will then fall on his own sword. Instead, the IIPBA suggests they should have cancelled the interview, and replaced it with a vintage radio episode of Dad's Army, as a tribute to that nice David Croft chap.

Conclusion

We should not care. And whilst the sun is shining we shouldn't really care about the numbers in the FTSE either. Save that for proper autumn.

27 September 2011

Thinking Paper # 121: Ed Miliband's "new bargain" - party conference lexicon part deux

Ed Miliband and his voice did something today and then everyone wrote about it.  The IIPBA focuses on some new phrases that his speech writers stole from the film, The Bourne Identity.


Qui•et-cri•sis [kwy-ut kry-zees]: A crime thriller featuring two characters called Ed who wished they had sufficient political imagination to deal with the "common sense problem" of our time.

Ha•rd-work•ing maj•or•i•ty [ard-wurq-in muj-or-ee-t]:  I don't know. Everyone?  No wait, everyone apart from those who watch Jeremy Kyle.

New•bar•gain [nu-bar-gun]: An element of Tescos' new £500m "price war" strategy.  Or a 2 for 1 deal on husband and wife teams in the Cabinet. 

Asse•t Stripp•ers [ass-ut strip-urs]: Strippers who specialise in particular assets e.g. bottoms or feet

Re•spon•si•bili•ty [ri-spon-suh-bili-ee-t] :  Erm, something that your parents should have taught you, but haven't done. Ed's going to do it instead. 

Dec•ades [deck-aids]: A sufficiently long enough period of time to ensure that all political parties can be blamed for the UK's problems and not just New Labour.  Decades includes John Major and that pesky shop keeper, Margaret Thatcher.

Concluding Comments
New Bargain [nu-bar-gun] was mentioned 13 times. I'm scared and a little excited. 

 

Thinking Paper #120 - We are not Denmark‏

By X. Fun

Abstract

Lord West likes boats, but after Daddy Dave pulled the bath plug out, all the liquidity dribbled away and now he has fewer frigging frigates than funny Hans next door who crosses all the o's in his name. Lord West, whilst strangling a rubber ducky, says we are not Denmark.The IIPBA investigates whether or not Britain is Denmark.



Undskyld, jeg kan ikke tale dansk.
  • Forbes, an American company, lists Denmark as the Happiest Country in the World. uSwitch.com, a British company, lists Britain as resembling a "tired and rather dry old scrotum".
  • Denmark has elected a female prime minister. She is a lefty. Margaret Thatcher is believed not to have been a lefty.
  • Denmark owns Greenland. We own a pair of rocks next to Argentina and a lot of penguins, but we do not own Greenland. But if we did that would be nice.
  • Danes can cross a bridge to Sweden. It is not possible to do this from Barnsley.
  • When the Germans invaded Denmark in 1940, it took two hours. This is approximately how long it takes me to move five inches on the M25. Panzers would find this difficult. May we at least pride ourselves on our invasion-proof infrastructure?
Concluding remarks

Unless bidding for lucrative Scandinavian research contracts, the IIPBA freely admits to knowing very little about Denmark. Thank goodness for Wikipedia. Further studies will be carried out to ascertain whether or not Hans Christian Andersen was really a paedophile.

Thinking Paper #119: Who is Jon Craig?‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

The IIPBA keeps seeing Sky News' Jon Craig on the streets of Westminster, and propping up its many bars. Indeed, in the past week we have seen him on three non-consecutive occasions. As a keen believer in eastern mysticism, we presumed that this was something to do with the transcitational balance of the universe and therefore we feel compelled to tell you about Jon Craig.


Jon Craig - man or myth?

Ever since Jon Craig was a little lad, he wanted to be a seasoned broadcaster and print journalist. He is currently the Chief Political Correspondent at Sky News, and since Joey Jones was appointed ahead of him as Deputy Political Editor, he's going to have to wait for Fatty Boulton to die before he gets any higher.

In his current job, he stands outside government buildings in the cold for hours on end trying to turn no new news into breaking news. For the record, he and others in his species are actually very good at doing this, and he IIPBA respects them for it.

Jon has more than 25 years experience of standing outside government buildings. So far he has stood outside Downing Street, the Houses of Parliament and the Cabinet Office. It is rumoured that he has yet to fulfil his lifelong ambition of standing outside the Department for Education.

Jon has broken many political stories whilst stood outside these buildings including the arrest of Adam Boulton and the birth of Kay Burley. When not stood outside Government buildings one of his other favourite places to stand - where the IIPBA has regularly seen him - is in Moncrieff's, the Press Gallery Bar, where he presumably only drinks soft drinks as he is a highly professional man.

Concluding comments

Jon Craig is a tall man with a lovely tanned complexion and reasonable head of hair for a man of his age. He looked a little angry and tired when we last saw him. We think he deserves a holiday, or a promotion.

26 September 2011

Thinking Paper #118: Ed Balls: Plan D- and a new spray tan‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

Shirley Valentine, the IIPBA's favourite fictional film character, once said that "Political speeches are rather like sex - a lot of pushing and shoving, but very little to show for it at the end". Aside from his new spray tan, what did we learn from Ed Balls' speech today?

Plan D- and a new spray tan‏

The IIPBA sets out its 5 point plan for growth:

1. Ed Miliband is his best friend. Our Westminster sources tell us that they like to have boiled eggs together on the weekend over the Guardian crossword.

2. His speech writer knows how to cut and paste selective quotes from IMF documents to prove some political point or other. Political speech writers across all parties also know the old ctrl + alt + c move thus cancelling out each other’s efforts.

3. Ed Balls knows people in his constituency or pretends to and then quotes them in speeches. This is a cunning trick performed by politicians to give the impression that they actually speak to real people.

4. Ed Balls has made some early running for Labour's 2015 election phrasing opting for "There is a better way". I prefer "Things can only get better" by Professor Brian Cox OBE and the D-Ream-ers.

5. He and Labour want to appear more responsible by using the word "responsible" more times than those pesky Tory's. In fact, we might be seeing the first shift away from the "too far, too fast" lines (only referenced 4 times) and hurtling imaginatively towards "responsibility" (referenced 7 times)

Concluding Remarks

Shirley Valentine also once said that "if YOU had to speak for half an hour about something you didn't know much about, you'd also sound irrelevant".

Thinking Paper #117 - Harriet Harperson's great idea

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

Whilst Boring Ed is failing to come up with any ideas for his latest re-re-re-re-relaunch this week, Crazy Harry Harman is full of silly ideas. Born with a lack of understanding which means she fails to see that some people might not want to lead or deputy-lead the Labour Party, she's implementing changes which will see any woman who can be bothered to fill in a form taking on her current job when she decides to step down.

Harriet Harperson's great idea

The latest of Crazy Harry's crazy plans will see a new rule that, following leadership elections, Labour must always have a woman in the top team, as leader or as deputy. She is very excited about this, and has only allowed one amendment which means that the rule will not apply if her husband, Jack 'Britain's only nice man' Dromey, runs for the leadership.

Harriet Harman has lots of crazy ideas, but the Labour troops like her. Unlike their leader Ed, she actually has ideas, which they think must be a start. As well as this, they were actually allowed to elect her when Gordon refused to let anyone vote on his leadership, and that produced an unusual affinity for her in the troops.

The IIPBA speculates that this change in the rules will mean that, in the future, a woman who comes seventh or eighth in the race for Labour Deputy Leader will still be appointed, and this will definitely not lead to any resentment, or any plotting if they turn out to be shit.

It also strikes the IIPBA that, in the event that only men run, the winner of the ballot for Deputy Leader will be declared void and a woman will have to be appointed from amongst the new Leaders friends and/or wives. Again, this will definitely not lead to any resentment, or any plotting if they turn out to be shit.

Finally this new system does not ensure that a man is part of the top team. Crazy Harry seems to honestly believe that a man cannot understand some issues from a woman's point of view, but be unable to concede that - if this is true - a woman might not be able to understand issues from a man's point of view. We find this sort of old school feminism very amusing.

Conclusion

The Labour troops love Crazy Harri, and her crazy ideas, and apart from the obvious lack of post-bureaucracy in the new system, the IIPBA kind of does too. We love everything which will bring about stupid results and give us things to write about. Thankfully, the new system also

Thinking paper #117: Let there be light‏

By X. Fan

Abstract

The World's Largest Merry-Go-Round at CERN is in Switzerland. Switzerland is a small mining community off the coast of France notable for extracting gold, chocolate and watches. This makes it perfect for the study of really really tiny things no one can see or knows exist. People are paid to time how long it takes the machine to break down in confusion between Toblerone breaks.

Let there be light‏

This week CERN have realised that really really tiny things no one can see or knows exist may travel faster than the speed of light. IIPBA analyses what implications this could have for our government:
  • Ed Miliband will propose a tax on time travel. Revenue from this tax would be ringfenced and invested in two new duplicates of Professor Brian Cox.
  • People will laugh more slowly at Doctor Who fans. Richard Branson will buy the TARDIS, rebranding it the 'Now you can always remain a Virgin'.
  • U-turns will be even easier. Of course, you'll never know.
  • Jeremy Hunt will invite the fastest most patriotic subatomic particle to represent Team GB at London 2012.
  • Ed Balls will accuse said particle of going "too far, too fast".
  • Nick Clegg will be seen outside your bedroom window yesterday, grovelling.
  • (cur | prev) 17:48, 23 September 2011 Johann Hari (talk | contribs) (30,612 bytes) (Reverted 1 edit by X Fan (talk): SO not true, I would never do this!!)
Concluding remarks

No one knows if what has been found is true for sure. More details will be made available after Michael Gove finishes rewriting the whole of science

Thinking paper #116: Conference Season Lexicon guide‏ - Part 1

By Alexis Horner

Abstract

Here at the IIPBA, we’ve been feeling a little bit confused of late. There have been a lot of people in yellow ties gabbling on the talking-box and our political translator has been struck down with RSI. So, we’ve made a glossary - a guide, if you will - to the tough terrain of conference chatter.



Conference Season Lexicon guide‏ - Part 1

Re•spon•si•ble Cap•i•tal•ism [ri-spon-suh-buh l kap-i-tl-iz-uh m]: When you receive a condolences card from Cable and co. attached to your final notice; also, the buzzword for Huhne’s pioneering idea to get Queenie ‘proper grinning’ on all £20 notes.

Re•gion•al Growth Fund [ree-juh-nl grohth fuhnd]: A special part of the 2011 budget set aside to help Nick Clegg grow some balls.

Co•a•li•tion A•gree•ment [koh-uh-lish-uh n uh-gree-muh nt]: An alliance between Clegg and Camo, often temporary, to order fair trade (but not organic) tea bags for number 10.

To be updated the more our wonderful leaders gabble...

23 September 2011

Thinking paper # 115 : The real proportional representation


By Alexis Horner 

Abstract

We all know the importance of the electoral polls, but haven’t we missed something? Nobody wants a lop-sided sarcastic grin on Newsnight, nor an elongated left ear lobe on Question time. Isn’t the most important part of our parliamentary system based on how pretty the cabinet looks on the front bench?  The IIPBA has found that the root is in the symmetry.

Synopsis

With Camo and Master Clegg, it’s all down to the nose. Whilst the wide inner ocular distance on Camo’s brow may hinder his vertical symmetry, Clegg’s nose lets him down. We all know how offensive an ill-proportioned nose to face ratio may appear next to the classically aligned bust of Camo in Downing Street. Unfortunately, neither the long face of Miliband E or the lobey Miliband D could face the mirror-down-your-face test (a long established tradition of electoral selection in certain homes around the country). So, armed with the mirror of truth, we must reconsider our criteria for government. Symmetry for selection; the real proportional representation.

Editors note: The IIPBA board of trustees would like to issue a warm welcome to our newest contributor, Alexis.  

Tim MJ and Ron FG issued the following statement: "We are dead bloody chuffed to have Alexis on board.  We are confident that not only will she liven up the IIPBA tea room during 11seys, but she will also play a keystone role in ushering in the PBA age. Viva la revolution".  

Thinking Paper # 114: Friday's Thinking Points

  • After dismissing Tony Blair's foreign policy of "Liberal Interventionism", David Cameron tells the UN that he has come up with his own approach to foreign policy.  It's called "Liberal Interventionism".  The IIPBA shakes it's head with despair.


  • Nick Clegg makes a speech in which he shouts words loudly to give the impression that he cares more than he does.
  • One woman in Dudley faints after being told that Oliver Letwin, the Minister responsible for government transparency, sends emails using his personal account to avoid his thoughts being read by those pesky civil servants.  Michael Gove tweets "couldn't give a flying curriculum... I bloody love my gmail account".
  • There are fears in the IIPBA tea room that if Ministers have to release the contents of their personal email accounts in a drive for transparency, the daily mash of newspapers will concentrate on nothing else for two weeks, in turn excluding all real issues involving humans.
  • Wikileaks leaker leaks his own autobiography to some more leakers who then put it on Wikileaks.  That fella at Wikileaks sues himself and his own book and leaks themselves for being so leaky.
  • Everyone starts taking counter-terrorism seriously following a threat made to the real Queen of England, Cherly Cole.
  • Ed Miliband looks confused when he's told that the "squeezed middle" actually includes everyone.  Cue re-re-re launch including new haircut and snappier suit.
  • Humanity takes another step towards Utopia following the announcement this week that there are now more people in the world who are obese than are starving.

  • See you next week ...viva la PBA

    Thinking Paper # 113: Labour Party Conference: the League of Forgotten Ex Cabinet Ministers

    By Ron Ford-Golightly

    Abstract

    Last week we enjoyed some Tory bashing at the Liberal Democrat conference. Three people attended and one of those was Chris Huhne’s wife, who was there just to heckle his speech. Up next, Ed Miliband and his lonely hearts club band.
    Ed Miliband’s silly face conference - predictions
    • An empty conference room will go apoplectic every time Ed Balls screams “too far, too fast” whilst gripping his johnson really tightly.
    • Then the other Ed with the funny face will step up. The lisp and the nose will echo around a chamber that reflects Ed’s insides - empty. Inside he will be crying, but he will rage on and on about something or other. He will announce nothing and he will do it badly.
    • The evil Tories will be blamed for destroying the NHS, the police service and the economy.
    • Justine Miliband will introduce her husbands key note speech, but, going off script, she will break down and admit that Ed Miliband is incapable of love whilst confessing to the nation that the marriage was one of convenience. After completing a 30 minute tirade she will fall asleep on stage and catch up on some sleep, following years of lying next to the noise of someone snoring in an insecure fashion.
    • Gordon Brown will fail to pick up a single mention throughout the whole week.
    • Tony Blair will hold a fringe event in which he collects signatures for an e-petition to bomb Iran
    Up next week… Dave, Gideon and the army of double barrels.

    22 September 2011

    Thinking Paper # 112: Ed Miliband is well modern


    Abstract

    Tony Blair dunnit, so did Dave, his spiritual devolvee.  Ed Miliband has now said it.  "MODERNISING".  But what the bloody hell is it? 
    To modernise or something    

    Like everything in politics, modernising is code for something else.  "We have announced an inquiry" = we don't know what to do and/or care. "I am very concerned" = I really need to look human etc.

    When a political party says that it is modernising, it means that a party is out of touch with public sentiment on key political issues.  It means that it needs to (a) invest more in focus groups to determine what people think and therefore what it thinks (b) translate this research into sensible policy, and (c) get a nice new face to communicate this with a really big smile whilst surrounded by an audience full of people from ethnic minorities.

    Concluding remarks

    When Ed Miliband says that he is "continuing to modernise" the Labour party, he means that he doesn't know what people think or feel and needs to employ more experts in market research to discover this.  Some would argue that it would be nice to have politicians who have sufficient contact with reality to know this already.  The IIPBA would argue that what we need is a post-bureaucratic revolution to end all revolutions. 

    As the old saying goes "a party that modernises together, erm wins an election or something".  

    See you tomorrow

    Thinking Paper # 111 : An open letter to The Quiet Man


    Dear Iain Duncan Smith,

    We are the IIPBA - a cutting edge think tank based in the made up world of the internet. We hold several GNVQ's between us covering areas including home economics, hairdressing and the politics of employment. 

    We are writing mainly to let you know about an idea we came up with in the pub last night.  You seem to have been a bit concerned of late about something called youth unemployment.   It's on the rise right?   We've also noticed that you've raised and will probably continue to raise the retirement age to try and ensure that we work solidly until we die so that we can pay off the overdrafts of really rich people.


    Now, we're only a bunch of polytechnic drop outs, but it seems to us that if you're making people work longer into old age, in turn you are depriving young people of the opportunity to work.  In the 1970s the government had a problem with youth unemployment and decided to start paying old people to retire sooner so that the young Turks could have their job.

    Please could you consider taking forward this proposal and others set out in summary below:

    1. Could you please grow a moustache? We think that it will give you gravitas
    2. Could you please send us a signed copy of your Quiet Man speech from 2003?
    3. Could you please write a follow up to your 2003 book "The Devil's Tune"? The IIPBA really enjoyed it and have been eagerly awaiting a sequel ever since

    We look forward to hearing from you.

    Kind regards,

    The IIPBA

    21 September 2011

    Thinking Paper # 110: Nick Clegg's speech: The IIPBA's perspective

    It's tough being Nick Clegg, but it's even tougher for people who have to listen to him speak.  No wonder Dave limits their communication to the occasional text message.  But don't fret followers, the IIPBA have provided you with an easy and accessible summary of his speech accessible in bullet format just below.

    Ø  According to our expert dieticians, Nick Clegg delivered his speech whilst on a cocktail of cheese, sausage rolls, gin 'n' tonics in a can and salted Doritos
    Ø  He wore a purple tie to ward off evil, he looked "Clint Eastwood serious" and he sounded "Iain Duncan Smith" loud.
    Ø  The room was 33% empty (thank you statistics team).  Benedict Brogan jokes "is Tim Farron really that annoying?"   Answer: No - Nick Clegg is really that uninspiring.
    Ø  He said that he will make sure that he will "never lose" Danny Alexander's lunch vouchers.  He also said stuff about the economy, JD sports, the Chipping Norton set and tuition fees - things like "Murdoch", "cleaning it up" and "I cherry bakewelled him". 
    Ø  He strayed into a historical lecture when he began analysing the great "Prawn cocktail offensive" of 1997 and the "The night of the red wine jus" of 2005. 
    Ø  Twenty minutes in he took a bit of an unnecessary swipe at the Backstreet Boys, the aging US boyband
    Ø  He ended by getting his Johnson out and shouting "look at Chris Huhne... doesn't he look silly".
    Ø  He made not one, I repeat, not one mention of the post bureaucratic age.  I ask you.  What are we here for?  Oliver Letwin will be turning in his grave.

    Concluding Comments

    1.    Overall message from Nick Clegg - "Nick Clegg is the right thing to do"
    2.    Overall message from the IIPBA - it's all a bit Iain Duncan Smith...  "The quiet man is turning up the volume"
    3.    His wife looked very nice and Danny Alexander looked a bit flatulent.

    Thinking Paper # 109 : Plan C or something

    The BBC reported today that plans for injecting £50bn into the economy are being discussed at that big table in No10 where white people sit around and discuss things that will impact on your life.   Danny "the Bilderberg" Alexander and Chris "the haircut" Huhne said that they didn't "recognise" this number and they didn't even know what a billion quid was.  We found this worrying.  Now, to get to the nub of the issue, is this or is this not Plan B or C or another letter?  Why doesn't our Chief Secretary to the Treasury know what money is?  And, for god sake, how many economic plans does one failing economy need?

    £ £ £ £ £ £ £
    The deets

    We announced last week (see Thinking Paper # 98) that Nick Clegg had already announced a Plan B which involved making internet connections using melted down civil servants.  This was definitely Plan B.  Even Ed Balls agreed.  He said "thank Christ we've got a plan B, I ruddy love plan B's".

    So what the chuff is this £50bn about?  I for one am a bit fed up with hearing about another economic plan.  Bring Gordon Brown back from the dead or John Keynes or something. 

    Concluding remarks

    Nick Robinson, the Conservative Minister for the BBC, said that this is definitely not a u-turn.  Ha.  I for one love u-turns, this kind of means that our government are thinking about things and can be flexible in the face of changing circumstances.  That's a good thing right? 

    Thinking Paper: Our new Metropolitan Police chief - All you need to know

    By Ron Ford Golightly

    Abstract

    There's a new Metropolitan Police Chief. He has a double barreled name. He was born because his parents had sex with each other.

    Our new Metropolitan Police chief - All you need to know

    The other week someone actually applied for the job of Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police. Yeah, I know...?!

    Then he got the job and here’s some details about him:
    • Our new Met police chief commissioner is called Bernard Hogan-Howe. In 1958 Mr Hogan and Miss Howe fell in love. They cemented their love with a physical display of affection and called him Bernard.
    • He is said to be a dour Yorkshire man, but we like to think he likes nothing more than kicking back with some meow meow and watching Stephen Seagal movies.
    • The official line to take is that he didn’t get the job because he’s a conservative. He got it because he is a conservative.
    • It has been said that when you look into his steely blue eyes, you can see a young dreamer who just got caught up in the wrong crowd. Just like Eric Pickles, he actually wanted to be a struggling artist who got to have sex with really attractive women who fell in love with his idealistic world view.

    20 September 2011

    Thinking Paper: Chris Huhne - nudge politics at its finest?

    By Ron Ford Golightly

    Abstract

    Ahead of Chris Huhne’s electrifyingly dull speech, the IIPBA looks at some words that he uttered recently about energy prices.

    Chris Huhne - nudge politics at its finest?

    On Saturday Chris Huhne said that people just needed to “shop around a bit” to save on extortionate utility bills.

    This annoyed the IIPBA me for several reasons:
    1. Within the same interview he said that the big six providers need to be regulated more closely by Ofgem on pricing. He alluded to the idea that there is some kind of racket on gas supply. Really? See point 2.
    2. All six providers have said that they will raise gas prices by 15% this winter. Keep an eye out for the headline “record profits recorded by gas providers 2011/12”
    3. Shopping around is largely irrelevant when all of the big providers are raising their prices. In addition to this, many people will already be locked into contracts.
    Concluding remarks

    I once read a book called nudge which puts forward the idea that through the correct choice of wording, positioning, marketing etc you can get people to make better decisions regarding personal finance, health etc. Then I read that this government loved the idea of nudge politics so much that they decided to set up a nudge unit within the Cabinet Office. We suggest that Chris Huhne read the book again and a just a little slower this time. Moron.

    19 September 2011

    Thinking Paper: Boris Johnson - an unexpected champion of the post bureaucratic age?

    By Ron Ford Golightly

    Abstract

    Let’s take a break from the Lib Dem conference of forever bashing Tories for a minute and look at the impending release of the biography of Boris “the Olympian erection” Johnson.


    Synopsis

    According to the biography, it was suggested to Boris that when he became Mayor he hire someone who could actually run something so that he could simply fill the role of the “bubbles in the champagne”. Unsurprisingly, Boris was keen on the idea of being paid lots of money to do nothing. Sadly for him, this idea fell through and he went on to impregnate a woman and try a little harder at doing a job that people had elected him to do.

    Concluding remarks

    The IIPBA rather likes the idea of replacing politicians with people who have experience of managing things. Obviously, this would leave Boris without a job. We therefore suggest that he pursue the role of Silvio Berlusconi in the upcoming cinematic epic “Berlusconi: Sperm monster of the south”.

    Thinking Paper #105: The IIPBA’s advice to Nick Clegg

    By Ron Ford Golightly

    Abstract

    It has been evident for some time now that Gideon Osborne’s electoral strategy is to pin as much of the shit on the Lib Dems as possible in the hope of winning a Tory majority at the next election. We are fairly sure that Nick Clegg is aware of this, hence the absence of happiness in his life since around May 2010 and his wife‘s insistence that they get as far away from British politics as they can after 2015. We look at a range of possible strategies.

    The IIPBA’s advice to Nick Clegg

    The Lib Dem conference this week confirms our worst fears, Gideon is succeeding. The IIPBA offers the following advice:
    • Publicly sacrifice Chris Huhne. Aztec Kings used to prosper magnificently from this kind of activity. Of course we don’t condone murder, a demotion to a junior Minister post within DCMS should suffice.
    • Change your name to George Osborne and start putting on a bit of weight. This will a) confuse the voters and b) allow you to run against Boris for Prime Minister in 2020.
    • Get Vince “the cable” Cable to appear on Strictly come Dancing alongside Cheryl Cole
    • Have an affair - Boris has loads and people seem to love him for it (see upcoming thinking paper: Boris Johnson - Champion of women's rights?)
    All the best, the IIPBA

    16 September 2011

    Thinking Paper #104: Libya, Libya, Libya, Libya‏

    By Ron Ford Golightly

    Dave and his Napoleonic friend visited Libya yesterday. The IIPBA's favourite bits of the visit are summarised below:
    • Dave told Gaddafi that "it was over, give up" and then the Libyan people that it "is not over, we will help you find Gadaffi". Gadaffi was said to be scared and then relieved but mostly just a "mad dog".
    • Nicolas Sarkozy's people spent four hours rounding up really short Libyan's to be filmed alongside their President. In the end they gave President Sarkozy a pair of those tin can stilts with strings to hold on to. This seemed to work quite well.
    • The seasonal analogy continues as we move from the Arab Spring to the Arab Summer, before moving shortly onto the Arab Autumn and Winter. Suggestions on a postcard for Spring 2012.
    • Francois Baroin, the French finance minister, said the trip was not about economic deals but rather to show support for the rebels. But don't worry folks, they still plan to make sure we make money out of the "good war". He added, "We are not at that stage". Yet
    • Seeing the glint in Cameron's eyes as war was made good with high fives and whooping from Libyan children.
    Things to look out for in the future:
    • Libyan children called David . Apparently, there are a lot of Kosovan children called "TonyBler" as a first name - brilliant
    • Really, really llucrative deals for British and French companies in Libya - our boys done good.
    • Ed Llewellyn reading more books about neo-conservatism, Blair's wars or military strategy.

    Friday's Thinking Points

    By Ron Ford Golightly and Tim Massingberd James

    In a week dominated by tarts and Vickers, we reflect on the big news:
    • That glint in Dave's eyes during his visit to Libya this week showed the first signs that he's caught the "bug for war" that slowly sent Tony Blair mad.
    • George Dawes, the huge baby from Shooting Stars, has swum the Thames in an attempt to consolidate his "national treasure" status.
    • High street retail figures are down as humanity slowly realises that it can't just keep buying shit that it doesn't need for an indefinite period of time.
    • In what was certainly not a publicity stunt, the Fonz has got an OBE for services to hitting Juke Boxes and saying "eyyyyyy!"
    • Plan B is finally announced by Nick Clegg. It is scarily underwhelming. Ed Balls' Johnson falls off as he realises he has to come up with some new lines to take.
    • The new head of the Metropolitan Police has a double-barreled name. Boris is said to be happy, but ultimately disappointed he isn't a "Buller Boy"
    • Greece, Greece, Greece. Something about Greece and the Eurozone.
    • Gas suppliers decide to kill thousands of old people by putting up prices by at least 15% as autumn arrives.
    • Gideon Osborne tries to dismiss allegations that he once got up to the old "heave ho" with a prostitute whilst sniffing the old "Prince - how rich is your Father - Charlie Charlie". We for one, have no doubt at all that there was any wrong doing.

    Thinking Paper #103: Lib Dem Party Conference season - some predictions

    By Ron Ford Golightly

    Abstract

    As journalists, political researchers and spotty apparatchiks look forward to getting so drunk they forget what a parliamentary majority is, the IIPBA looks ahead at what we can expect from the three party conferences. Up first, those pesky Liberal Democrats.


    Our predictions
    • The safe money is on Nick Clegg making a damn good stab at distancing himself from the very Tory that he is. To his dismay, he will ultimately fail.
    • The IIPBA has seen extracts from his speech which goes something like this: “I hate them I do… I bloody hate them. Ooh, you should see me in that Cabinet room. I said, oi Dave, oi, yeah you, pink head, you shut up your condom face will you and listen to me. We’re going to pause, reflect and listen right? Otherwise, me and Chris Huhne’s haircut are gonna get a bit clumsy. You know what I’m saying?” etc
    • Chris Huhne will be arrested whilst making a speech about how many houses he has. When told that “you do not have to say anything but anything you do say may be used against you in court”, Huhne will shout “Nick Clegg has a small Johnson”.
    • The crowd will cheer every time someone says “those naughty Tories”.
    • Vince “the Cable” Cable will set out an alternative economic policy from the Tories which will involve putting Rupert Murdoch and a selection of bankers in a cage with a family of Tigers who have just learnt that their family business is going under due to the lack of loans emanating from banks.
    • Danny Alexander will take an unnecessary swipe at Rory Stewart MP and then make a public plea for an invite to next years Bilderberg conference.
    Next week… Ed Miliband and the gala of forgotten Prime Ministers.

    15 September 2011

    Thinking Paper #102 - Should bankers stop being so reckless?

    By Tim Massingberd-James

    Abstract

    As news emerges that a rogue trader at Swiss banking giant UBS has racked up unauthorised losses of £1.3bn, the IIPBA asks whether bankers should, just for a moment, think about real people and their hopes and dreams.



    Should bankers stop being so reckless?

    Here at the IIPBA, we obviously reject cumbersome bureaucratic regulation of the banks, but they don't half push our commitment sometimes. As we learned that this Swiss chap had apparently spaffed another two billion dollars against the wall we were a bit miffed.

    We're sure you've met a British banker, and they are simple-minded folks. They mostly just stare at spreadsheets until, one night at the local champagne bar, one of the bosses realises that they know the father of a spreadsheet grunt, or he went to the same school as them. At that point, they are given access to unlimited money to gamble with all day.

    The Swiss can't be much different, and we're not exactly angry at them, we're just disappointed. Of course, they'll pretend that what they're doing is jolly important and beyond our understanding but it really isn't. It basically boils down to:
    1. People give the banks all their money
    2. The banks lends half to people in need of money at high interest rate
    3. The banks gamble the other half in world's largest casino based on tenuous leads in financial newspapers.
    The worrying thing is that most bankers can't even read.

    Conclusion

    Of course they should stop being so reckless. They should focus more of their business on lending the money to people and asking them to pay slightly more to get it back. At least you can reposess a two bed semi. You can't do that with a £1.3 billion hole in the stock market.

    Thinking paper #101 - Ed Miliband at the TUC

    By Maude Bollingsworth

    Abstract

    Earlier this week, Ed Miliband, a year into leading the Labour party, faced one of his first major challenges. He had to stand up, and done a speech to the Trade Union Congress. It wasn't that great.


    Ed Miliband at the TUC

    He really didn't do a great job, and it ultimately resulted in him telling the smaller than usual Congress hall that he believed the strikes of last Winter were a mistake, and in fact he doesn't think much of how they've been behaving at all.

    There was, however, something strange about Ed's speech and appearance. At the IIPBA offices, our big telly seemed so show a different delivery and demeanour. He seemed a little more relaxed and settled and yet more resistant to supporting the Unions' cause and/or methods. The crowd seemed to pick up on this and heckled him, which was quite amusing. But had they noticed something was afoot? To be quite frank, he didn't look like awkward Ed.

    Final thoughts

    What caused this? Could it have been the surgery he had to fix his adenoids, or was he a little too tanned from his Holidays?

    Where is the real Ed Miliband? This one is a fake and we don't like him. Brother David would never have done this. We're getting a bit tired of you now Ed.

    Or was it David that faced the TUC?

    The IIPBA will continue to investigate.

    Thinking Paper # 100: An open letter to Oliver Letwin‏

    Abstract

    To mark the 100th paper of the IIPBA, we write an open letter to the Grandfather of the post-bureaucratic age, Oliver "post neo-classical endogenous growth theory" Letwin.


    An open letter to Oliver Letwin‏

    Dear Oliver,

    As you must already be aware, we are the IIPBA. We are a progressive think tank with a holistic vision to create a critical space for post-bureaucratic discourse and to be quite frank with you, have done a bloody good job of it so far. To date we have three twitter followers including celebrities David Walliams and Alan Carr. You will be pleased to hear that David and Alan have been very enthusiastic supporters of our post-bureaucratic crusade.

    Our reason for writing to you is six-fold:

    1.) We want some money - To our knowledge we are the only think-tank in Westminster who are actively producing post-bureaucratic material which is aimed at setting debate and changing public opinion. We are open to offers on the amount - half a monkey would probably do it.

    2.) We would like an update from you on how you think the PBA is going - From our perspective one form to fill in is too many, so we are of the opinion that the revolution has only just begun and it will almost definitely be televised.

    3.) We would like you to make Simon Hoggart of The Guardian a knight.

    4.) We would like to invite you to join our board of trustees - Toby Young and (Sir?) Simon Hoggart are still considering their offers.

    5.) We would like to ask whether we can come to David Cameron's birthday party on the 1st October

    6.) We think we remember once Billy Bragg dressing up as a Roman to fight you in an election. Was this real, or just a bad dream?

    Can we please request answers to each of these 6 points?

    Thank you for your time and we look forward to hearing from you

    Regards,

    Ron Ford Golightly and Tim Massingberd James

    Co-Directors of the IIPBA

    14 September 2011

    Thinking Paper #99 – Are our children are unhappy for the same reason everyone else is unhappy?

    By Tim Massingberd James

    Abstract

    A new study by UNICEF has found that children in Britain are amongst the unhappiest in the world. Could this possibly be caused by the same factors that make everyone else unhappy?



    Are our children unhappy for the same reason everyone else is unhappy?

    A new UNICEF report has found that British children are as unhappy as Nick Clegg on polling night 2015. Almost all of the children said that, rather than ipods, junk food and big tellies, what they actually craved was spending time with family and friends and having fun outdoors.

    There are very few people in the world who do not crave spending time with family and friends and having fun outdoors, but UNICEF uncovered that rather than being able to deliver this, Simon Cowbell - the King of Broken Britain - is making parents work longer and longer hours, in an attempt to make them feel tired enough all the time that they submit to another series of X Factor.

    As a result, in what little free time they have, parents feel guilty and shower their children with gifts rather than going outside to fly a kite, or taking a cycle ride to the local arboretum. An independent study by the IIPBA, which supports the findings, also discovered that whichever parent spends most time with the children actually spends most of that time brimming over with resentment that their spouse is not pulling their weight, rather than cherishing the treasured moments with their young children.

    A spokesperson for the UN said they were considering deploying a UN Child Rearing brigade of crack Bhutanese troops to Britain, the unhappiest country in the industrialised world, to tackle the blight of "brand bullying" and force families to interact at gunpoint on countryside walks.

    Conclusion

    As the staff at the IIPBA began to question whether one of the world's richest countries rearing the world's unhappiest children shows that the systems of our society are not working correctly, Editor in Chief Georgios Kyriacos Panayiotou reminded us we were all freelance contractors and he could terminate our employment immediately.

    At that point, all IIPBA staff returned to our desks to work, and some one struck up a conversation about the next generation iPad.

    Thinking Paper # 98: BREAKING NEWS - Plan B is here

    By Ron Ford Golightly

    Abstract

    Nick Clegg has gone off message! Aaaaahhhh. This afternoon, barring any last minute "glad bagging" from Dave and George's SPADS, Nick Clegg will deliver a speech at the London School of Economics which outlines a "gear shift" / Plan B to get more economic growth going in good old Blighty.



    The Details

    Our political leaks team found extracts of Cleggs speech on a bendy bus underneath the bottom of a rather attractive older lady from Venezuela. The extracts state that "Plan B is here so shut your face Ed Balls. We've always had a plan B yeah (pause for cheering). We have planned 4,000 projects to go ahead around the country, but this is different from Gordon Brown's "Building Britain's Future" plan, but we are definitely trying to build Britains future." The speech goes on to outline plans to build train lines (hmm, Phil "the haircut" Hammond's super fast trains anyone?), to install high speed broadband in key areas (hmm, enterprise zones announced last year anyone?) and improvement to motorways (ongoing work that never ever seems to stop on our roads... anyone? Dig up road, tarmac road, dig up road, tarmac road - repeat forever until humans die out and nature wins).

    Concluding Remarks

    Labour's "Building Britains Future" is back on track people - it's just being headed up by someone with a more pleasant face and marginally better polling.

    * BREAKING NEWS *

    Ed Balls' SPAD re-works Labour lines to read "We urge the Conservative led Government to implement a plan C to get the economy moving".

    Thinking Paper #97: Will anyone's house ever be big enough?

    By Tim Massingberd-James

    Abstract

    As the Royal Institute of British Architects publishes research condemning “shameful shoe-box homes”, and suggesting that an architect is paid a lot of money to redesign your kitchen diner, the IIPBA asks why you are never ever happy with what you have, however hard we try.

    Will anyone's house ever be big enough?

    The Royal Institute of British Architects has done some research and found that floor area of the average new three-bedroom home in Britain is 88 square metres, approximately 8 square metres short of what they recommended.

    As various pundits are wheeled out on the news to discuss this further, most people seem to blame the blight of “property developers” with apparently no one at all noticing that architects design their houses too, and they are the ones who should know things about recommended room sizes.

    Similarly, no one seems to blame you and your fat little kids for being so greedy and wanting a huge house with as much pointless shit as possible in it. On the radio earlier, one woman bleated on about how her three bedroom house, which she lived in alone, was not big enough. She appeared not to have noticed the two extra redundant rooms which she would never use unless she could trick a man into getting her pregnant.

    She told the IIPBA that even if that happened, she'd make him mortgage his soul and work 48 hour weeks so she could afford somewhere with 5 bedrooms, as Kevin Mcleod told her she had to have at least two empty rooms in her home.

    The IIPBA conducted its own research, and found that architects make thousands of pounds for each home redesign which takes place, and that most people will always want bigger houses, in which they can put bigger TVs and sit silently waiting to die.

    Conclusion

    Your local pub is massive, and full of friendly conversations with interesting people. Why not go there, and spend time making new friends and being part of a community. Your home is a hell hole which owns you anyway.

    Thinking Paper #96: Andrew Lansley's drink problem‏

    By Ron Ford Golightly

    Abstract

    Later today, Andrew Lansley, Secretary of State for health, will address the annual conference of the Wine and Spirit Trade Association (WSTA) in London. Here at the IIPBA, we can't afford £140 for a ticket as we've spent all this month's petty cash on Bollinger, so we've decided to just write some stuff and draw a picture.

    Our predictions
    • Andrew "pause, reflect and listen" Lansley will attempt to get pubs and bars to stop people getting so drunk all of the time. He will be booed off the stage.
    • Oliver Reed will return from the dead to prove to everyone that alcohol actually has life preserving qualities. Andrew Lansley will faint, and his very Special Advisor, Jenny "I never done it" Jackson will rescusitate him with a rather sensuous kiss of life which will be reciprocated.
    • The whole nation will leave work and head to Tescos to buy some of that wine that's always on offer. They will drink to numb the pain and then shout at the TV when Question Time comes on.
    Concluding Comments

    WSTA Chief Executive Jeremy Beadles (no, not him - he's dead) said: “As ever the WSTA conference provides a forum for dead alcoholics to return from the dead. The King is dead, long live Oliver Reed".

    He added "For me, the highlight of the annual conference was getting on it every night on company expenses".

    13 September 2011

    Thinking Paper #95 - The Boundary Commission

    By Jacinta Burrow

    Abstract

    The publication of the Boundary Commission’s proposals for new constituency borders has allowed MPs to indulge in their two favourite pastimes: talking about themselves and schadenfreude. The IIPBA has summoned up the will to live long enough to scribble down a few points.

    Key points
    • Nick Clegg is completely fucked. Again.
    • George Osborne’s seat escapes largely unscathed. Membership of the Bullingdon Club remains the gift that keeps on giving.
    • Ed Balls is up against a Shadow Cabinet colleague for a redrawn seat. Hilary Benn prepares to retire and publish yet another book about what a bastard Ed Balls is.
    • The effective abolition of Nadine Dorries’ seat will give her plenty of time to launch Britain’s answer to the Tea Party Movement and prepare for re-election in 2020
    • MPs affected by the changes will use phrases like “gerrymandering” and compare redrawn seats to Rhodesia and the Belgian Congo
    • Those unaffected will gleefully refer to unlucky colleagues as “on suicide watch”
    • MPs popular with their parties will be fine
    • MPs unpopular with their parties will convince themselves that a career in lobbying wouldn’t be too bad really
    Conclusions

    The IIPBA looks forward to the day when we’ve created the Big Society and all live happily together in one massive constituency. Onwards, comrades!