14 September 2011

Thinking Paper #96: Andrew Lansley's drink problem‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

Later today, Andrew Lansley, Secretary of State for health, will address the annual conference of the Wine and Spirit Trade Association (WSTA) in London. Here at the IIPBA, we can't afford £140 for a ticket as we've spent all this month's petty cash on Bollinger, so we've decided to just write some stuff and draw a picture.

Our predictions
  • Andrew "pause, reflect and listen" Lansley will attempt to get pubs and bars to stop people getting so drunk all of the time. He will be booed off the stage.
  • Oliver Reed will return from the dead to prove to everyone that alcohol actually has life preserving qualities. Andrew Lansley will faint, and his very Special Advisor, Jenny "I never done it" Jackson will rescusitate him with a rather sensuous kiss of life which will be reciprocated.
  • The whole nation will leave work and head to Tescos to buy some of that wine that's always on offer. They will drink to numb the pain and then shout at the TV when Question Time comes on.
Concluding Comments

WSTA Chief Executive Jeremy Beadles (no, not him - he's dead) said: “As ever the WSTA conference provides a forum for dead alcoholics to return from the dead. The King is dead, long live Oliver Reed".

He added "For me, the highlight of the annual conference was getting on it every night on company expenses".

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