tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16952235907374919682024-03-19T03:53:08.768+00:00the Institute for Ideas in a Post-Bureaucratic Age<center>The IIPBA is a progressive think tank with a holistic vision to create a critical space for post-bureaucratic discourse</center>Tom Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18201345543198833859noreply@blogger.comBlogger253125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-8847153796252126232013-02-13T15:59:00.000+00:002013-02-13T16:01:02.401+00:00Thinking Paper #224: Page 3 girls: crumpet or dump it?<b>Abstract</b>
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<em>Roped in by a bit of skirt? I'll have you know that the IIPBA doesn't deal in breast. Never will. Nay, I wish to talk to you today about Civil Service reform. There's been rather a lot of chat about it recently: telegrams from California courtesy of Hilton the Foot; select committee appearances by Sir Jeremy "no these are not 1940s Japanese military issue spectacles" Heywood; television debuts for Franny Maude. Eceteros.</em>
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<b>So what's going on Golightly?</b>
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Thanks for asking. Each new government tries to reform the civil service to make it more "streamlined", "dovetailing" it with private sector "efficiency"; erm, etc. Like a girl they wish to defile, they shower the civil service with praise and tell them how pretty and efficient their eyes are. Remember Dave? (<a href="http://www.number10.gov.uk/news/pms-speech-at-civil-service-live/">www.number10.gov.uk/news/pms-speech-at-civil-service-live/</a>)? And then the relationship turns sour. DVD box sets of an evening don't quite cut it. Someone puts on weight. They turn on the one they once loved and admired. They say the bowler hatted ones aren't quick enough. The bowler hats not as round as they used to be. Or dynamic for that matter. How dare you Francis Maude? They accuse them of impartiality. Of not knowing their semi-colons from their interjections. Of drinking too much tea. Spending the day reading the remainder of the internet. Of keeping that chap Guido Fawkes in 'hits-per-day'. They get angry when no one picks up the phone after 5 o'clock. The list goes on dear reader. The humble civil servant is slandered and duly tried, judged and executed by Daily Mail led mob justice. But what is the truth? Need they be reformed, those naughty bunch. Or is it a hopeless cause? <br />
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<b>What would a cynic say?</b>
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A struggling government tends to blame the officials responsible for delivering policy (what policy?) and then they issue a reforming bill that doesn't really mean anything tangible. Maggie tried it, Major didn't (wise chap), Blair dipped his toe in and realised he couldn't give enough of a shit, and Brown didn't have time between his paranoid rages. Truth is, the service might need a little tinkering: professionalise this, social media that etc. But let's not avoid the great big bald patch in the room (have you seen Dave's recently?), namely that no one gets a Cabinet promotion or a prime ministerial legacy for reforming the civil service. Reform isn't hampered by a proliferation of tea bags or a lack of HMG Twitter accounts. No... read on.
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<b>Concluding comments</b>
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A rival think-tank, Reform, recently published a paper on Whitehall reform. Buried within the list of quotes from interviews was this little gem from a coalition minister. This IIPBA co-director knew that he need not read further, the anonymous Minister had nailed it.
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"The efficient running of a government department has no bearing on career prospects. The Minister is interested in the media, how they do in Parliament, the next reshuffle (read: promotion). The stuff around making a department run properly is long term, there's no political upside".
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This reporter is off to make a cup of tea.
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P.s. page 3 is outdated. As a boy, the young RFG, accompanied by other local raggermuffins, would try and get his hands on The Sun newspaper from the local paper bank so as to catch a glimpse of a nipple. One of his smaller friends happened to be able to squeeze through the gap into said bank and pass out said papers to his larger friends. The modern day raggamuffin has mobile internet with 7000GB of data per month. Nuff said.Tom Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18201345543198833859noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-74248014356295557432013-02-12T10:00:00.000+00:002013-02-12T10:00:07.249+00:00Thinking Paper #223 - Is our food industry institutionally racist?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
By Jacinta Burrow </div>
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<strong>Abstract</strong> </div>
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<em>The IIPBA will not be deterred by a trifling Papal resignation from asking the question which really matters: is our food industry institutionally racist? Oh yes. We went there. And may the National Beef Association have mercy on our immortal souls </em></div>
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<strong><u>Horse Meat: A response to the neeeiiigggghhhh-sayers</u></strong> <br />
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We've been shovelling down excrement and sawdust (sausages) for years, but a little bit of horse gets into a Findus lasagne and suddenly it's an "extensive" criminal conspiracy. How comes? <br />
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Our odd-toed ungulate friends are sweeter-tasting than their bovine cousins, and their flesh seems mercifully to be one of the few meats which no one has so far compared to chicken. But it's all Morag The Cow this and the La Vache Qui Rit that. Our obsession with steak has reached fetishistic proportions. <br />
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Well, no more. It's time to say "whoa" to this cattle cartel. <br />
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Horses deserve an equal place in our food industry. They deserve to be set on fire by irate French farmers at the Calais ferry terminal. They deserve to be rammed down the unsuspecting throat of a Cabinet Minister's four year old daughter on live tele. And they deserve the chance to put consumers into a Persistent Vegetative State as a result of being fed on their own kind. <br />
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Horsemeat has done wonders for the French (?). <br />
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<strong>Recommendations</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>DEFRA to undertake an economic impact study of widening consumption of "beef" products to our Hindu brothers and sisters.</li>
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<li>David Cameron to signal his support for the Strivers in the 3:20pm at Kempton by making the racing selections on the Today Programme on at least every third Wednesday.</li>
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<li>The 2013 Grand National to be run entirely by Herefords and those cows with horns and long wavy coats.</li>
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<li>Princess Anne to be appointed head of a new Commission for Equine Equality with sweeping powers, including excessive use of the whip at the Canal Turn.</li>
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<li>14 Equ-ality Commissioners, including Lester Piggott and Neptune Collonges, to address invited audiences on subjects including "Flat Racers and Steeplechasers: Sleepwalking to Segregation?" and "Shergar In Memoriam".</li>
</ul>
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<li>The Equ-ality Commission to be wound up after a Telegraph investigation reveals 8 of its members were, in fact, sired from the same mare.</li>
</ul>
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Tom Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18201345543198833859noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-83619100545939238632013-02-11T14:37:00.000+00:002013-02-11T16:52:56.088+00:00Thinking Paper #222 - Tony for Pope<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<b>Abstract</b></div>
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<i>The Pope has resigned, leaving only one man with the qualities needed to replace him. The IIPBA has long thought him the best man for the job, not least because Ron Ford Golightly has had an outside bet on him to take on the Holy See since he converted. </i></div>
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<i>Step forward <a href="https://twitter.com/TonyforPope" target="_blank">Pope Tony I</a>.</i></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieZrAfrNwGw4hpOciLQ0xKKQvyd6-LdgCqqzWe8N40W6W9UPYvz6HNWwRch1eMe72fYFyb8TBkrjHgqvLRODuIQWrcRo6d3AhTNmNyN_IjVSUQSsrjahDTN3DvaNDlCpclLjXv0hbP0wU/s1600/Tony.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieZrAfrNwGw4hpOciLQ0xKKQvyd6-LdgCqqzWe8N40W6W9UPYvz6HNWwRch1eMe72fYFyb8TBkrjHgqvLRODuIQWrcRo6d3AhTNmNyN_IjVSUQSsrjahDTN3DvaNDlCpclLjXv0hbP0wU/s400/Tony.jpg" width="340" /></a></div>
<b>Thinking points</b><br />
<b><br /></b> Why should Tony Blair be the next Pope? We offer some reasons:<b><br /></b><br />
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<li>Tony knows how to use religion to raise money. He is already the head of a Faith Foundation which the <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/tony-blair/9859780/Revealed-Tony-Blair-and-the-oligarch-bankrolling-his-charity.html"target="_blank">Telegraph claims</a> has raised millions, £320,000 of which came through a Russian Oligarch. This could give the Catholic Church some new funding streams, and if not, <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1370323/Tony-Blairs-priest-fixed-papal-knighthoods-cash.html"target="_blank">the Mail claims</a> he has friends with other ways of raising cash.</li>
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Tony is used to dealing with <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/tony-blair/9859780/Revealed-Tony-Blair-and-the-oligarch-bankrolling-his-charity.html"target="_blank">condom protests</a>, and has even been known to make use of 'contraceptive equipment', <a href="http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/1150147/Embarrassed-by-contraceptives-Cherie-Blair-Speaking-for-Myself.html"target="_blank">when Cherie remembers to bring it</a>.</li>
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<li>Tony knows how to work the Papal twitter, already tweeting (it's definitely him) as <a href="https://twitter.com/TonyforPope"target="_blank">@TonyforPope</a> - <i>"<a href="https://twitter.com/TonyforPope/status/300951015803453440"target="_blank">Tough on sin, tough on the causes of sin</a>"</i></li>
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<li>Tony is a moderniser, which is what the Catholic church needs. He has already made his relaxed views on <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/religion/5122525/Tony-Blair-says-Popes-views-on-homosexuals-is-wrong.html"target="_blank">homosexuality in the Catholic Church clear</a>, paving the way for Cardinal Mandy, who would be a fine Papal Enforcer and would look very pretty in the hat and frock. </li>
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<li>Tony's virility shouldn't be a problem and he would make a fine addition to the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_sexually_active_popes"target="_blank">list of sexually active Popes</a>.</li>
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<li>Tony would have no need of Papal Infallibility as he is always right about everything, and wouldn't have Gordon to ruin it this time.</li>
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<li><a href="http://theiipba.blogspot.co.uk/2011/11/thinking-paper-195-rip-uncle-silvio.html"target="_blank">Uncle Sylvio</a> is scheduled for a return and this could lead to some amazing Papal Banquets. We're thinking Noel Gallagher, Prince Andrew, Oleg Deripaska, Saif Gaddafi and some Bunga Bunga.</li>
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<li>Tony knows how to <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Papal_conclave">work a room</a>.</li>
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<li>Tony was made for autocracy, and the only real reason he ever fails is voters. We are sorry Tony.</li>
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<b>Conclusion</b><br />
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It has to be Tony, though we do have concerns about what the abolition of Vatican Clause 4 might mean for the land and property owned by the church.Tom Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18201345543198833859noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-21823372533425414202013-02-09T13:59:00.000+00:002013-02-11T14:53:48.184+00:00Thinking Paper #221: Will upgrading the A47 trunk road help Great Britain win the "global race"?<div style="text-align: justify;">
By R. Ford Golightly</div>
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On Thursday 7 February (probably around the time you were tucking into your Findus microwaveable Lasagne for one in front of the HD stupid box) "Norfolk's leading parliamentarian", George Freeman (Mid Norfolk - Conservative), was <a href="http://www.georgefreeman.co.uk/content/george-freeman-secures-debate-parliament-highlight-need-upgrade-a47" target="_blank">leading a debate in the House of Commons on the proposed upgrade and dualling of the A47 trunk road</a>. History was being made Great people of Britain.*</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP60dZaisT3rBc3-yeun7iSdhORYe799-NLq5Fa0OtW7gordChpUC2oW553anuWQAdP7R2LBmSX195XivFzDU2iv-G-uYgtzyX8SEtWZf7cLies4laRzJWVSNl-DiZLqOGdw6RfsS2m1Y/s1600/A47.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="307" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP60dZaisT3rBc3-yeun7iSdhORYe799-NLq5Fa0OtW7gordChpUC2oW553anuWQAdP7R2LBmSX195XivFzDU2iv-G-uYgtzyX8SEtWZf7cLies4laRzJWVSNl-DiZLqOGdw6RfsS2m1Y/s640/A47.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<i>"The A47 is a strategic route of national and regional importance to the East Anglian and Norfolk economies"</i>, Mr Freeman began. Hear-hear. In no particular order, the praise spurted forth in a tsunami of transport related terminology: former Foreign Office man in Africa, Henry Bellingham, led the congratulations, reserving specific praise for the progress made on the <i>"middleton crossing" ;</i> Chloe "The Iron Lady" Smith took time out from doing the jobs that Oliver Letwin and Francis Maude don't want to do in the Cabinet Office to stress the importance of the debate via a post it note passed down the line to Mr Freeman; and Richard Bacon (no not that one) emphasised the importance of dualling not just the <i>"section of the A47 that is immediately to the north of my constituents, in both the east and the west</i>" but the whole 105 miles of the bloody road! Ba-con, Ba-con, Ba-con.<br />
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As if the baying mob of Norfolk based MPs needed any more encouragement, Freeman then threw in a handful of Gordon Brown-esque numbers for good measure. The investment, we were assured, could create £800 million pounds worth of new jobs for local people with Latvian accents; 75 percentage points of regional economic growth in this spending review period alone; and a 30 minute cut to each car journey time resulting in "thousands of saved hours" per person per annum. To do what I hear you ask? To get home from work a little bit earlier you impetuous little rabbit. And if that wasn't enough, in his concluding comments, Freeman opted for a bit of heart inspired metaphoring - investment would "unclogg the artery of Norfolk" he chimed to appreciative roars from the Public Gallery. Positively Churchillian.<br />
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In his underwhelming response, the Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State for Transport (Stephen Hammond) reassured us that "the paucity of people in the Public Gallery had nothing to do with the power of his case" (it was actually quite full Steve) before going on to use approximately 1,386 words to bash the opposition (who weren't actually at the debate), list largely irrelevant numbers unrelated to the issue and do everything to try and kick the A47 trunk road into the long grass / kick the can down the road, whichever you prefer. Probably pending a review, something like that. <br />
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Editors note: We're never going to win the global race with long eared, short tailed little Rabbits like Hammond at the steering wheel.<br />
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<b>Concluding comments</b><br />
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As Michael Gove stole the headlines with his stupid face, true changes were afoot in the House of Commons under the watchful guise of a rather heaving public gallery. <br />
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The BRIC nations may not have heard of the A47 trunk road, but boy will they wish they had once this Government makes the decision to "unclog the artery" of change in Nelson's Land of Stars. <br />
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* I must declare an interest. The Golightly family are inextricably linked to the county of Norfolk through family breeding and heritage. I therefore come to the debate with a strong bias for investment in this most valuable trunk road that has served the Golightly dynasty so well.</div>
Tom Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18201345543198833859noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-36768844449146790022013-01-19T11:46:00.000+00:002013-01-19T12:01:24.575+00:00Thinking Paper # 220: Is snow good for the economy?By Tim Massingberd-James
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<i>The UK is once again in the grip of snow-mageddon, giving the country's journalists a lovely opportunity to talk to nice old ladies about whether they're having any trouble getting about, interview young families about their sledging expeditions to 'dead-man's-hill' and tell us about how red warnings are 'the worst' type of weather warnings. But will it help us win the money war against the Chinamen?</i>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSMWvAXyjIIVC1QHrw4CzC4T21L0Sn3UXTBaHoMTciHi4wHmIOh0Sv-Ldqv3C8c9PT6RhINNAdOONcv08VgnQ0VnvvHd8N2XIT8M1E4qHXdFoPjspMueM7c2zTuKQrleBFLjaIHGQD-_U/s1600/P1191679.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="326" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSMWvAXyjIIVC1QHrw4CzC4T21L0Sn3UXTBaHoMTciHi4wHmIOh0Sv-Ldqv3C8c9PT6RhINNAdOONcv08VgnQ0VnvvHd8N2XIT8M1E4qHXdFoPjspMueM7c2zTuKQrleBFLjaIHGQD-_U/s400/P1191679.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<b>Who cares about the economy when everything is all pretty?</b>
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Artists are generally the people who report beauty in the world, whilst journalists look at death, hatred and violence. Journalists are traditionally out to achieve success of the sort which will allow them to interview the Prime Minister on Sunday mornings and touch girls bums, whilst artists - with the exception of ones like Damien Hirst - want to die in a garret but be rememberd for their brilliance. </div>
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Snow is like an artist, suddenly creating beauty from nothing then quickly melting away to leave only the memories of its spectacular brilliance.
Journalists may not get paid much any more, but they are good for the traditional economy, creating fear and hatred of the sort that makes us panic-buy bread, think we need to buy a new coat and imagine our presence at our pitiful job is of enough worth to warrant the struggle in. Artists occasionally make us sit back and enjoy life and realise there is more to life than that struggle.
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<b>Is snow good for the Economy?</b>
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Snow is not really good for the economy, but the IIPBA sometimes hopes we may be moving into a part of the story of humanity based just a tiny more on how much love and beauty there is in our lives, rather than how much we can spend on our new sofa at Ikea on a Saturday. </div>
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Today, across the country, families are spending time together running up and down hills and enjoying an experience that will be etched on the consciousnesses of children for the rest of their lives, rather than sitting staring at screens eating biscuits. Snow is not good for the economy, but some of the most important things aren't.</div>
Tom Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18201345543198833859noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-39219305048583283822012-01-26T08:12:00.000+00:002012-01-26T08:12:07.189+00:00Thinking Paper # 219: Government by Product Placement<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><strong>By Jacinta Burrow</strong></span></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Abstract</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Last year, Nick Clegg told The Sun that he wanted to help “Alarm Clock Britain”. Now he’s calling for a “John Lewis economy”. The IIPBA can’t help but notice that John Lewis sells alarm clocks. What is going on? We investigate.</span></span></div>
<img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5654010333414499314" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuVVgCz3wzNs_c5s53RMHO8O0hz3HNGe-zY8PwOgbxZuM5J1hzigWMYPco4V4zMqzyF0-9vsyMEWJWzlXbIR0mYvCyPiHDTurQKFe9n3EZVgiDGkyfGHKLNIqkW-XgEpz9XebQrcG7lm4/s320/cleggy.JPG" style="display: block; height: 288px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 320px;" /><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Shops and economies: are they the same?</span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">We at the IIPBA love a bit of Brett Easton-Ellis, but if policy announcements are going to start resembling wry sideways looks at the zeitgeist where will it all end? Is George Osborne going to start telling</span><a href="" name="_GoBack"></a><span style="font-family: inherit;"> us where he bought his red box and whether or not it’s available in other colours? </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The IIPBA has charted Call-Me-Dave’s devotion to canned Guinness, Eric Pickles’ Greggs habit and Cheryl Gillan’s weakness for velour leisurewear. But now the Clegg-ulator has taken that nod-nod-wink-wink approach and slapped it all over his autocue. What does a “John Lewis economy” even mean? He wants us to run our finances based on a high street shop instead of, you know, like a national economy. But apparently he can do you a lovely deal on a couple of touch screen radio controlled alarm clocks. </span></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Conclusion</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The IIPBA thanks its lucky stars that Nick Clegg doesn’t shop much in Primark. We’ll never get out of this recession with queues for the changing rooms like that. </span></span></div>
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-41994414321377285462012-01-25T16:27:00.000+00:002012-01-25T16:27:14.754+00:00Thinking Paper # 218: The art of coincidence: A study<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_17_1327500219415517" style="right: auto;">Abstract</b><br />
<div id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_16_132750021941568">
</div>
<div id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_16_132750021941570" style="right: auto;">
The IIPBA laughed today as it read that a government press spokesperson had labelled as "pure coincidence" the fact that Ministers had bought twice as many tickets for beach volleyball this summer than athletics. Pure coincidence? The IIPBA investigates. </div>
<div id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_16_13275002194151291" style="right: auto;">
</div>
<img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5672595319049105074" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtoS3tQITnGAOosABOpWhPK5Fcfj-eZxDZ5O0oCB6zM7KO8q9Cm4mdJJsHXovVJHq7N4AVFNv2G5OJXDT1N0HPuNT0Pcsi3oqDmM2ymtBEyMqgpQ9NWAEc4ZLSXC5TRr3YmnviczyXQuY/s320/EricPickles+%25282%2529.bmp" style="display: block; height: 320px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 262px;" /><br />
<div id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_16_13275002194151294" style="right: auto;">
<b id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_17_132750021941571" style="right: auto;">The facts as they stand</b></div>
<div id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_16_13275002194154160" style="right: auto;">
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<div id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_16_13275002194152584" style="right: auto;">
1. Women's beach volleyball is played by women. They tend to be pretty, tanned, athletic and wear very little in way of actual clothes. In hot climates volleyball players like to grease themselves up with sun tan lotion (see Top Gun volleyball scene).</div>
<div id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_16_13275002194153418" style="right: auto;">
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<div id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_16_13275002194153423" style="right: auto;">
2. If we take haircuts as a lead, 80% of the current Cabinet members have penises. These people tend to be heterosexual, middle aged and married. If we were to take a leap of faith, we might argue that these men enjoy watching young athletic women greased up with lotion playing in the sand. And we might therefore conclude that they would jump at the opportunity to do so if they thought that it could be carefully disguised* as watching sport.</div>
<div id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_16_13275002194155643" style="right: auto;">
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<div id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_16_13275002194155645" style="right: auto;">
<b id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_17_1327500219415105" style="right: auto;">Concluding comments</b></div>
<div id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_16_13275002194155689" style="right: auto;">
</div>
<div id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_16_13275002194155691" style="right: auto;">
Men enjoy watching the aforementioned type of woman play in sand, greased up in sun tan lotion. </div>
<div id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_16_13275002194156015" style="right: auto;">
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<div id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_16_13275002194156017" style="right: auto;">
The IIPBA doesn't mind this, as long as Oliver Letwin, who's office <var id="yiv637774113yui-ie-cursor"></var>sits conveniently overlooking the beach volleyball arena, doesn't ignore the grand vision that is the post bureaucratic age. We're still watching you Letwin.</div>
<div id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_16_13275002194155306" style="right: auto;">
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<div id="yiv637774113yui_3_2_0_16_13275002194157234" style="right: auto;">
<span id="yui_3_2_0_20_1327500219415150" style="font-size: x-small;">*<var id="yiv637774113yui-ie-cursor"></var>By carefully disguised we mean not very carefully disguised.<var id="yiv637774113yui-ie-cursor"></var> Beach volleyball isn't even a proper sport.</span></div>
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-92138930618080030592012-01-23T16:19:00.000+00:002012-01-23T16:19:51.668+00:00Thinking Paper # 217: Can a woman pose in glossy magazines and be in favour of equality? A very brief history<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_14_13273256681155767" style="right: auto;">
<b id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_15_132732566811577" style="right: auto;">A very brief history of people<var id="yiv225780104yui-ie-cursor"></var></b></div>
<div id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_15_13273256681152351">
<b id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_14_1327334029725505"></b> </div>
<div id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_15_13273256681152353" style="right: auto;">
Throughout the history of mankind, many humans have managed to be two things at once. <img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5658432440442139506" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsoJzMKuUTpN6IHaOFK9eLOWfxNTsL32K8xjPX5m-eMd_d4QxfB4m9xkv1URebvDhDORHd43MJTX09EdT7aLZqDq_jhBxbHZVjYd0Is8NCCNaAdlhNopBmmwitL8x4DFyP1akZMm_q3hE/s400/IMG+-+Copy.bmp" style="display: block; height: 400px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 361px;" /><b id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_15_13273256681152225" style="right: auto;">A history of sexy Home Secretaries</b></div>
<div id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_14_13273256681155321" style="right: auto;">
<b id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_15_132732566811580" style="right: auto;"></b> </div>
<div id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_14_13273256681152406" style="right: auto;">
Home Secretaries are humans. Historically, they have also been a varied and notoriously sexy bunch. Take William Petty, Home Secretary in the 1780's. He had at least three children by two wives and his alter ego was a Brazilian male escort called Huego. He led the 18th century freedom movement for male escorts operating in the British Empire. Elsewhere, the superbly named Aretas Akers-Douglas, Home Secretary 1902-05, was famous for his trouser bulge; said by contemporary commentators to be "<i>intimidating</i>". He set up the world's first dating website for oversized men.</div>
<div id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_14_13273256681154357" style="right: auto;">
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<div id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_15_1327325668115129" style="right: auto;">
All of this AND they successfully carried out their duties as Home Secretary. Are you listening Dacre?</div>
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<div id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_14_13273256681154956" style="right: auto;">
<b id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_15_1327325668115101" style="right: auto;">Concluding comments</b></div>
<div id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_14_13273256681151876" style="right: auto;">
</div>
<div id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_14_13273256681151878" style="right: auto;">
It should come as no surprise to the Daily Mail that someone can be two things at once and that the current Home Secretary can do a bit of sexy stuff in a glossy magazine and talk about issues of equality at the same time. No surprise at all. For other examples, see Paul Dacre. Daily Mail editor and champion of Natalie Cassidy. Very good Paul. </div>
<div id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_15_13273256681152190" style="right: auto;">
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<div id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_15_1327325668115623" style="right: auto;">
Over and out</div>
<div id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_14_13273256681157306" style="right: auto;">
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<div id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_14_13273256681156259" style="right: auto;">
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<div id="yiv225780104yui_3_2_0_15_1327325668115390" style="right: auto;">
</div>
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-23585438035807382472012-01-19T17:58:00.000+00:002012-01-19T17:58:40.346+00:00Thinking Paper # 216: How much importance should we place on a desk?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span> <div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<b><span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Abstract</span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Desks. We've all probably sat at one waiting for a rather arbitrary time to appear on the clock before we can go home. Some of you may even own one. Thatcher’s Britain lives on. But what does a desk mean these days in terms of political power in Whitehall? This is really important stuff people, pay attention</span><span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJkRj_Lmzgihs0EDC0DcP5XbpXbj-NoJ0_IvdaikMw6wKaXyWCfcwYV-8UxBoM1UaZAEDr08hZfV0WFl58la_0dSe732laRQk9S24PK_9eGraaV7CW1UtGculDKsLTHorpcLa8ej-8L5Bo/s1600/desk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="268" nfa="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJkRj_Lmzgihs0EDC0DcP5XbpXbj-NoJ0_IvdaikMw6wKaXyWCfcwYV-8UxBoM1UaZAEDr08hZfV0WFl58la_0dSe732laRQk9S24PK_9eGraaV7CW1UtGculDKsLTHorpcLa8ej-8L5Bo/s320/desk.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b><span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">The Bob and Jeremy show</span></b><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Sir Bob Kerslake, that new lad in Whitehall who gets to run the civil service has bagged himself a rather nice desk in a room next to Sir Jeremy, that floating mandarin that secretly runs the country. Sir Bob said <i>"I'm right chuffed with my new desk". </i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">This is important you see because it means that Bob and Jezza are now equidistant from the Prime Minister's desk, that red fellow who reads things off of word documents. </span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Elsewhere, there is a scrap over a desk on the fourth floor of No10 between one Sir Kim "the fat" Darroch and some other fellow. We forget who. He's very important though. </span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<b><span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Concluding comments</span></b><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Right then, where were we? Desks. Yes, anyone who's anyone has a desk in Whitehall and preferably it should be near that fellow who reads stuff he's told to depending on what the latest focus groups have said.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Thanks for reading.</span></div>
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-61471859899124598292012-01-18T16:30:00.000+00:002012-01-19T07:39:33.712+00:00Thinking Paper # 215 : Should Michael Gove stop treating schools like hotel rooms?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="right: auto;">
<b id="yui_3_2_0_14_1326892755664927" style="right: auto;">Abstract</b><br />
</div>
<div id="yiv302859999yui_3_2_0_43_132687742309972" style="right: auto;">
</div>
<div id="yiv302859999yui_3_2_0_43_132687742309974" style="right: auto;">
In the words of David Cameron, it is "<i id="yui_3_2_0_14_1326892755664536" style="right: auto;">noteworthy to note</i>" that Michael Gove, son of a Preacher man, has top secret plans to use real money, that's real money, to send a copy of the King James Bible to every school in the country. The Bible is to include, and this is important, a personal inscription from Gove himself. The IIPBA has never written a prologue for any of God's work before and would probably be a little intimidated to do so, but then we're not Michael Gove. I bet he's done it loads of times. </div>
<img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5664387909562331810" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHO-U43Z9L_K-KCqafwjOyHLmi9Xp5dFqPSPDzvs7RB5wxlS4eM300GrmWNjaR5KVbkNeK4WZn6CHjCw-RTX7hf3iiojdNGJYr4GF6C48LRHF3NQ3CnVWfjAtAJ2Vo28MrTkN002i9nkg/s320/MichaelGove.jpg" style="display: block; height: 320px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 248px;" /><br />
<div id="yiv302859999yui_3_2_0_43_13268774230991874" style="right: auto;">
<b id="yui_3_2_0_14_1326892755664125" style="right: auto;">Should Michael Gove stop treating schools like hotel rooms?</b><br />
</div>
<div id="yiv302859999yui_3_2_0_43_13268774230992776" style="right: auto;">
</div>
<div id="yiv302859999yui_3_2_0_43_13268774230991954" style="right: auto;">
For the IIPBA, the answer is yes and no. I've had many a pleasant night in a hotel room. My favourite is the Holiday Inn on the outskirts of Worcester. One night back in 2006 I had a steak sandwich in room 32 and watched one of those pay per view "<i>blueys</i>". It was a really good night. On another note, Gove could definitely do worse than providing all pupils with free shower caps, single serving soaps and complimentary towels.</div>
<div id="yui_3_2_0_14_13268927556642062" style="right: auto;">
</div>
<div id="yui_3_2_0_14_1326892755664324" style="right: auto;">
On the "No" side, the IIPBA would argue that schools are quite different from hotel rooms and that this should stay as such. Hotel rooms witness all sorts of bad things e.g. horse play and heavy petting. Even one of Pickles' most dysfunctional families wouldn't want to see this in the classroom.</div>
<div id="yiv302859999yui_3_2_0_43_13268774230995777" style="right: auto;">
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<div id="yiv302859999yui_3_2_0_43_13268774230995779" style="right: auto;">
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We're getting off track.</div>
<div id="yiv302859999yui_3_2_0_43_13268774230995832" style="right: auto;">
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<div id="yiv302859999yui_3_2_0_43_13268774230995834" style="right: auto;">
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<b style="right: auto;">Bibles</b></div>
<div id="yiv302859999yui_3_2_0_43_13268774230995863" style="right: auto;">
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<div id="yiv302859999yui_3_2_0_43_13268774230995867" style="right: auto;">
<br />
The IIPBA knows it to be a fact that children get bored reading the internet and that's full of brilliant stuff. It's pie in the sky stuff Gabriel. Have a word with him won't you.</div>
<div id="yiv302859999yui_3_2_0_43_13268774230996602" style="right: auto;">
</div>
<div id="yiv302859999yui_3_2_0_43_13268774230991065" style="right: auto;">
<br />
<b style="right: auto;">Concluding comments</b></div>
<div id="yiv302859999yui_3_2_0_43_13268774230996700" style="right: auto;">
</div>
<div id="yiv302859999yui_3_2_0_43_13268774230996702" style="right: auto;">
<br />
In saying all of this, I really want to see what Michael Gove would write as a prologue to God. A drawing of a penis on every page? An attempted politicisation of Jesus (he's a compassionate conservative through and through) ? Or would he just underline all of the dirty passages at the back. We can only speculate.</div>
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<div id="yiv302859999yui_3_2_0_43_13268774230997358" style="right: auto;">
<br />
All the best Gabriel - let us know how you get on</div>
<div id="yiv302859999yui_3_2_0_43_13268774230992918" style="right: auto;">
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-8850188103022614732012-01-18T11:52:00.000+00:002012-01-18T11:53:54.288+00:00Thinking Paper # 214: The IIPBA’s rather late predictions for 2012<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The year of the 2012 is well underway and according to that media it’s going to go off big time. The IIPBA gives you its thoughts on the major battles of the year ahead.<br />
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<strong id="yui_3_2_0_41_13268774230991990" style="right: auto;">Ed Miliband vs. Himself</strong></div>
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The list of people gunning for Ed Miliband is as long as an NHS White Paper but for the IIPBA, Ed's biggest problem is Ed. The IIPBA has previously covered his annoying face and feels that it need not say more. He looks silly.<img alt="" border="0" height="200" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5678325232523429650" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht4obM8TVgFSPs0hyykGgfwvT5Sn5mArbHKrQWmM3_6oTI6EA-meDYwEafD9D2hI41e8MdHVelqSx9gODAoUemT9x59AcTBVC_wYpR3PfeMcNA1KVBNjWAVAA_-kFpecrfvXR7YBe3MOo/s200/EdMiliband.bmp" style="display: block; height: 320px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 181px;" width="113" /></div>
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1-0 Ed (o.g.)</div>
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<strong style="right: auto;">Boris vs. Ken</strong></div>
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He can't can he? Our dear Roger covered the ins and the outs of this political struggle last year and the IIPBA executive have nothing much further to add. Essentially, Boris has adopted the old "place your name at the front of a big public policy scheme" strategy very effectively. It doesn't matter that they haven't happened yet or that he never really had much to do with them in the first place, it really works: see Boris bikes, Boris buses and now Boris Island airport. Get your act together Ken e.g. Ken's Kinder eggs (p.s. this needs working on)</div>
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1-0 Boris I'm afraid. <br />
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<strong id="yui_3_2_0_41_13268774230992628" style="right: auto;">The Queen vs. Seb Coe</strong></div>
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This years highest profile celebrity TV battle pit’s the Queen against Seb Coe. As we all know, the Queen represents your thinking man’s egalitarian dream and they don’t like it up em, good ol style British patriotism. Seb Coe on the other hand is a bit of a penis who says stuff like <i id="yui_3_2_0_41_13268774230991098" style="right: auto;">“East London’s gonna do right well out of a great big fuck off stadium and loads of multi-million pound corporate profits”. </i>We’ll see Seb.</div>
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1-0 Queen.</div>
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<strong>Kim Jong Un vs.The World</strong><br />
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Kim Jong Un is that fat lad who’s just taken over a country of 24 million malnourished people who believe him to be a God. He and his Uncle Jang and Auntie Kim will want to continue his father’s tradition of cognac, pleasure squads and opulence. His starving people may not. Here’s rooting for the people of North Korea. </div>
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1-0 the North Korean people (we hope)</div>
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p.s. Phil Hammond is right good at tracking down and killing dictators. Current record = 100% success rate.</div>
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p.p.s. Did you know that Kim Jong Il’s favourite flower was the <i>Begonia Kimjongilia</i>. Well it’s true. </div>
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<strong>Animals vs. People</strong><br />
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What with the end of bull fighting in Spain, bestiality in Sweden and the battery farming of Chickens in the EU, the IIPBA thinks that 2012 is looking pretty rosy for our under evolved cousins. </div>
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We particularly like the fact that Sweden has only just gotten around to legislating against bestiality. But our commiserations go out to those internet users who enjoy watching humans and animals make love. The new material available after 2012 is set to diminish I’m afraid.</div>
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1-0 Animals</div>
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<strong>Democracy and stuff vs. people like Vladimir Putin</strong><br />
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With elections set to take place in Mexico, France, the US, Russia (ahem) and China (kind of - ahem) in 2012, the IIPBA’s democratic reform team is facing a busy year.</div>
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The IIPBA hopes to see a celebratory good riddance to Vladimir “Russia’s greatest love machine” Putin. And a warm hello to a second term Obama. The other lot seem a little too crazy to be allowed to run a country.</div>
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1-0 to Democracy</div>
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Over and out. </div>
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-20505207358406786022011-12-26T11:20:00.001+00:002011-12-26T11:39:33.854+00:00A short note to our readers<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Dear Readers (all 9 of you),<br />
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The IIPBA would like to thank you for your support over the past year. Our personal highlights include Bingate, Catgate, Riotgate, Gategate, DavidCameron'sbaldpatchgate, Hacking gate, Murdochgate, EricPicklesgate, Gaddafi'sdeadgate, PhilHammondshaircutgate and finally, EUgate. We've enjoyed all of them enormously. <br />
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Apologies for the lack of research most recently, the IIPBA team has been busy attending all of Westminster's most important Christmas parties including Rupert Harrison IV of Wingbourne's daisy chain party; a party jointly hosted by the admin teams in DWP and Defra at the Duke of Sussex in Waterloo; and the Speakers Christmas Eve soiret in which Mrs Speaker confirmed to us what a star in the making she will be in 2012. We have also spent a fair bit of our time in pound shops, asleep on London's public transport system and researching priority areas for 2012.<br />
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Have a ruddy good rest of Christmas season and we look forward to bringing you some more top quality research bollocks in the new year.<br />
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Yours forever and always,<br />
<br />
The IIPBA team</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-50903917267446182522011-12-14T11:29:00.000+00:002011-12-14T11:29:00.858+00:00Thinking Paper # 213: The Big Society re-visited<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<em id="yui_3_2_0_20_13238562717502767" style="right: auto;">The IIPBA has always loved the Big Society. We love it like we love an injured dog with a skin infection. But we find ourselves agreeing with today's report by the Public Administration Select Committee (PAC) which asserts that the policy needs some leadership. Step up Sir Francis Maude, Minister responsible for the Big Society.</em></div>
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<b id="yui_3_2_0_20_132385627175083" style="right: auto;">Sir Francis Maude</b></div>
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Franny Maude was born in 1896 on a colonial plantation in Bermuda. Since then he has made it his mission to implement the Big Society. This has seen him project lead at least fifteen relaunches of the policy and change his middle name to "the Big S". But is this enough? The IIPBA feels that he may have been spending too much time of late pushing the line that all <i id="yui_3_2_0_20_1323856271750180" style="right: auto;">"public sector workers are bastards with big fat gold plated, tax payers money led pensions"</i> rather than batting for the Big Society. </div>
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<strong id="yui_3_2_0_20_1323856271750294" style="right: auto;">The report</strong></div>
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The report from PAC is terribly dull. A paragraph in and this think-tank co-director was asleep at his desk dreaming about living in the Bronze Age when vegetation was lush, shirt-tie combination sets were yet to be invented and no one knew what hummus was. The following quote made him laugh though and he decided to read on: </div>
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<i id="yui_3_2_0_20_1323856271750199" style="right: auto;">"The Prime Minister has described the Big Society project as his "mission in politics" and has pledged "to fight for it every day, because the Big Society is here to stay.<sup id="yiv6833671yui_3_2_0_19_13238562717503915" style="right: auto;">"</sup></i></div>
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<i style="right: auto;"><sup id="yiv6833671yui_3_2_0_19_13238562717503490" style="right: auto;"></sup></i> </div>
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I genuinly wonder sometimes why, with soaring political rhetoric such as this, 40% of eligible voters in this country refuse to vote. </div>
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<b id="yui_3_2_0_20_1323856271750315" style="right: auto;">Anyway</b></div>
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In his written evidence, Franny Maude stated that the Big Society project could not be built <i id="yui_3_2_0_20_1323856271750326" style="right: auto;">"through the old top down approach to government, which tried to control too much from Whitehall".</i> Oh that old implementation trick. The old, say something in a speech and then leave it to fester and stagger humiliated through the blogs and newspapers strategy. Still, a little bit of energy, communication, explanation and leadership would be really useful.</div>
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<b id="yui_3_2_0_20_1323856271750337" style="right: auto;">Concluding comments</b></div>
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Onwards we plod to the sixteenth relaunch of the Big Society and this think-tank feels that the government's heart isn't quite in it. We suggest that they make Steve Hilton a Minister of the Big Society and give him 3,000 civil servants to shout at. This think-tank would strongly support such a move.</div>
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-69805025475819619202011-12-12T09:13:00.001+00:002011-12-12T09:15:49.152+00:00Thinking Paper # 212: Barbie and Ken<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">By Roger the misty eyed Daring</b><br />
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Well well, the season is approaching, no, not Christmas you jovial fool, the season of the 2012 London Mayoral Elections. That event that’s smaller and cheaper than the Olympics but much more interesting. </div>
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The IIPBA has been awash with discussions, debates, brainstorms and long-haul Twister -thons in an attempt to compare, interpret and analyse the two frontrunners – Filthy Ken and Blundering Boris. </div>
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As the IIPBA is strictly non-partisan, we thought we would start with a clear and transparent summary of the two cheeky chappies’ achievements to date, marked with our own, patented, non-bureaucratic point-scoring system.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Clear and Transparent Summary of Achievements</b></div>
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Transport for <city w:st="on"><place w:st="on">London</place></city> – Filthy Ken (1 point)</div>
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Oyster Card – Filthy Ken (3 points, it’s such a great name for something, isn’t it? And the blue is just so calming)</div>
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Boris’ Barclay’s Bikes – Filthy Ken (6 points) (Yeah, we know, it’s a fucking sham that Boris got his little flappers on the bike scheme, what an arse.) We have awarded 2 extra points as the Boris Bikes directly contribute to an increase in drunken, warbling hipsters pedalling around Shoreditch at silly o clock. </div>
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First person to breed the Western Dwarf Clawed Frog <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hymenochirus_curtipes" title="Hymenochirus curtipes">Hymenochirus curtipes</a> in captivity – Filthy Ken (12 points) (yes, it is true. Thank you Internet. Thank you Wikipedia.)</div>
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Randomly painting already existing roads Tory blue, calling them a cycle superhighway and watching as cyclists everywhere speed to there deaths – Blundering Boris (-1 point)</div>
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Winning the London Olympic Bid – Filthy Ken (- 4 points)</div>
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Waving a broom in the air in Peckham to prevent himself being mobbed by angry yuppies – The Blunderer (1 point)</div>
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Not waving a broom in the air in Peckham to prevent himself being mobbed by angry yuppies – The Filthster (3 points)</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Concluding remarks</b></div>
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We commend Boris’s apparent inability to achieve anything. We are currently distilling our own commemorative IIPBA Gin, to be bottled under the title ‘Boris’ Lethargy’. We think it will be a hit in the Russian markets.</div>
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Filthy Ken’s fantastically sordid private life also garners him an extra 100 points, yeah, keep shagging Ken.</div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Totals</b></div>
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Ken – 121 points</div>
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Boris – 1 point</div>
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Through this non-partisan, in depth, quasi-methodological analysis of both the qualitative, quantitative and the absurd, the IIPBA notes that Boris’s bumbling inactivity would produce a sum total of zero bureaucracy. Therefore we recommend him as the future overseer of the post-bureaucratic City of London.</div>
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Stick to the bloody newts Ken.</div>
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-57347184810632189172011-12-07T15:32:00.001+00:002011-12-07T15:35:36.365+00:00An open letter to Steve Baker MP<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Dear Steve,</span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">First of all, we owe you an apology. As Co-Director of the Institute for Ideas in a Post Bureaucratic Age I cannot believe that we haven't approached you sooner. Rest assured, a far reaching inquiry has been established by Sir Gus O'Donnell who will be reporting back to us in due course.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Your presence on this fine planet came to the IIPBAs attention during PMQs this afternoon when you asked Cameron the Dave whether he agreed with you that "<em>it is time for this country to lead Europe into the hope and potential of a new post-bureaucratic age?</em>" Of course, our dear Prime Minister failed to answer your well delivered query, but rest assured, you touched this think-tank with your words (and you may not have seen this from your angle, but you also made Andrew Mitchell smile – a rare sight I understand, but what a lovely smile).</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Anyway, we agree with you that peace, spiritual fulfillment, post-bureaucracy and all of the other lovely stuff that the world has to offer will only come about when<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> "people have more to do with each other and government's less". </i>In fact, we are the foremost Westminster think-tank pushing the government on the post-bureaucratic agenda, a pursuit that I must admit, has seen little success so far. However, we are not easily deterred; rather, we are significantly strengthened to see people such as you pushing the issue from your leather seat in the belly of the monster.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">This is why we would like to offer you a prestigious place on the IIPBA's board of trustees. Failing that, would you like to come to our Christmas drinks (tbc)?</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">The IIPBA eagerly awaits your response.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Kind Regards,</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: black; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Ron Ford Golightly</span></div>
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-60543290817007814202011-12-06T08:30:00.001+00:002011-12-06T08:30:03.674+00:00Thinking Paper #211: A masterclass on how to be a human by Cameron the DaveBy Ron Ford Golightly<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Abstract</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Cameron the Dave was interviewed this weekend on the topic of being human. He passed with flying colours. The IIPBA looks at what makes for a perfect "I'm human, honest" political interview.<br /></span><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwYHCnfV-xiMnjwENX2NVFpLO0FDikbb_2ZkZC6dFc0F8W-PoeTCMhBrAFt1uU6FeKTrh6JtiphGRf-a4zupiJTJ29VDL6_8Hhpc0TQW00YEf5Kh8WC0ioij625qHJDgsz2ud9bGhzPf8/s1600/DavidCameron.bmp" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 262px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwYHCnfV-xiMnjwENX2NVFpLO0FDikbb_2ZkZC6dFc0F8W-PoeTCMhBrAFt1uU6FeKTrh6JtiphGRf-a4zupiJTJ29VDL6_8Hhpc0TQW00YEf5Kh8WC0ioij625qHJDgsz2ud9bGhzPf8/s320/DavidCameron.bmp" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682749312956898594" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Step one</span><br /><br />Get your advisors to read the synopsis of the top 10 DVD boxsets on Amazon and then ask No10 IT to download the synopsis of the synopses on to your ipad so that you can read it whilst watching your favourite soap (the answer is dependent on your audience - Eastenders is a safe bet). The advisors should also be upto date with the contents of the latest edition of the Radio Times and Heat magazine.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Step two<br /></span><br />Provide insight into family life which is self deprecating and humble. e.g. "And then my wife said, no you can't watch another episode of Spooks, you haven't tidied your room you naughty pickle" or something to that effect.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Step three<br /></span><br />Pick a suitably middle class sport and say that you like it. Then display said knowledge about a big name within that particular sport. Follow this up by swigging from a can of Guinness and burping the words "I love cricket".<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Step four<br /></span><br />Try to score some political points by picking someone off the speaky box who has political views that are at odds with your own and saying how much you think that they are a "chuffing moron". But be careful not to pick someone too popular regardless of how annoying they are e.g. Jamie Oliver. For how not to do this, see the gypsy fight on YouTube between Andrew Lansley and aforementioned Mr Oliver.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Step five<br /></span><br />Always pay heed to the all pervading religion of focus groups. For example, when asked whether you prefer the Archers or Eastenders, just bear in mind that 90% of the population bloody love Eastenders, so definitely go with that one.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Concluding comments<br /></span><br />Did you read the interview? How much freaking TV does our Prime Minister watch? It was like reading the diary of an unemployed person. Regardless of this, you've got to take your hat off to Cameron the Dave. He's certainly better briefed than that other bloke. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTZlr8XRX54" target="_blank">You remember?</a><br /><br /><b>Gordon</b>: <i>"The Arctic Monkeys would wake you up in the morning because of the noise"</i><br /><b>Presenter</b>:<i> "You haven't actually got the album"</i><br /><b>Gordon</b>: <i>"I have got the album actually. I've heard it and listened to it... I'm also interested in modern groups. COLDPLAY (capitals signal a panic striken yell). The bass guitarist comes from the same town as me. Kirkcaldy. So I like hearing them as well. And I've talked to him sometimes."</i>Tom Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18201345543198833859noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-52446844632800335982011-12-05T08:30:00.000+00:002011-12-05T08:30:01.059+00:00Thinking Paper #210 - Do we need Christmas presents? stuff?By Tim Massingberd James<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Abstract</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">The other day, the IIPBA's aunty got in touch asking what the IIPBA wants for Christmas. As it is, we wish we didn't have so much stuff anyway. Sometimes we wish an office fire would destroy the countless books, papers and pieces of nonsense we carry around with us. Yet tellybox tells us to go out and get more things. Where will it end?<br /></span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRGOLYhrI7u_QH3DBIl5-iP3pdF0rbZ-rRcKL70eo2u2bzP0jbwXUwY9YKAHpP8YJKQhWLYhIx0_kReqEPeAjvRbGnRRYwEd5BWcJMX-N89X58EHgOQPhZqvnKpUBME2sTWZsyhGYem0k/s1600/IMG_0006.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 316px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRGOLYhrI7u_QH3DBIl5-iP3pdF0rbZ-rRcKL70eo2u2bzP0jbwXUwY9YKAHpP8YJKQhWLYhIx0_kReqEPeAjvRbGnRRYwEd5BWcJMX-N89X58EHgOQPhZqvnKpUBME2sTWZsyhGYem0k/s400/IMG_0006.bmp" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5682001948244602482" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Why do we all need so much stuff?</span><br /><br />“Capitalism is Crisis” say the headbanging nutters on the steps of St Pauls. The IIPBA doesn't buy all that stuff about the bankers bonuses, but as far as we can tell there are some fundamendal problems with constantly buying more and more stuff. Land Rover are apparently to stop making Land Rovers because they last too long, and no one throws them away to buy another one a few years down the line. It's all nonsense.<br /><br />The IIPBA done a research and found that apart from sunshine, the company of others, and the occasional pint of ale beside a warm fire, the great British public don't actually want anything any more. <br /><br />However, everyone is afraid to mention it in case the Chinese come over and steal our wives. We don't necessarily need new stuff every week to make us happy, but we're so afraid of change the news keeps showing us the graphs and the numbers and telling us to buy.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Conclusion</span><br /><br />We don't need the stuff. Everything will be alright from here on in. You will never die in a ditch filled with piss with flies in your eyes. Everything will be alright.Tom Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18201345543198833859noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-28229935517926026842011-12-03T12:46:00.002+00:002011-12-03T12:48:56.477+00:00Saturday Thinking PointsAfter another weak of money, Jeremy Clarkson and Iran, the IIPBA gives you its <s>Friday</s> Saturday Thinking Points:<br /><ul><li>The Prime Ministers official spokesman, Jeremy Clarkson, spoke for the whole of the Chipping Norton set when he called for public sector strikers to be "shot". The Prime Minister reassured viewers on This Morning that Jeremy didn't mean what he said. The IIPBA believes Clarkson to be an intentionally antagonistic, angry old prick who needs to maintain a fictional persona in order to make a living. </li></ul><ul><li>George Osborne announced this week that he had a bum for a n<img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 138px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJNx7zP_Y9la2Y9IjiOeHzRfab2f405o2LVAgbEL5EEUxHHgDs7Lnw7E9_g9mwW4U7nYlsX17IydIsdTG7i-viVPWyZsjLSuB65ZePV7OIyki8HqShd6kbqlez9ErhygvObh7aVLSY54Q/s200/GeorgeOsborne.bmp" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5681883197893766834" />ose. Economic commentators were initially sceptical about the details around the announcement but then the OBR said that he definitely does have a bum for a nose and then everyone, including Stephanie Flanders said, "ok then". The IIPBA has known all of this for years.</li></ul><ul><li>Remember the Big Society, Free schools and the NHS reform? Good job. It's the economy all the way. Economy, economy, economy, economy, economy.</li></ul><ul><li>The Iranians rattle their sabre for war by getting some students to <a href="http://hurryupharry.org/2011/11/30/the-embassy-invasion-and-the-irrelevance-of-anti-imperialism/">nick a picture</a> of the Queen and John Travolta from the British Embassy in Tehran. The IIPBA is pushing for more really strongly worded statements from William "I'm very angry" Hague.</li></ul>Tom Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18201345543198833859noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-54531309466466445792011-12-01T11:52:00.001+00:002011-12-01T12:01:18.640+00:00Thinking Paper # 209 : Should the government encourage more public sector shopping holidays?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-weight: bold;">Abstract</span><br />
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<em>This week we saw Britain's biggest public sector walk out since Rod Stewart's last haircut. The media entertained us with apocolyptic visions of mass disruption and "damp squids", and that sinister old Thatcherite, Franny Maude got all angry and up inside your face. The IIPBA's thoughts go out to all public sector workers struggling on below inflation pay and increasingly weaker pension pots, but we also like to see the good in all situations. </em></div>
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<strong id="yui_3_2_0_19_13227331745641661" style="right: auto;">If all public sector workers were given an extra day off each month to go shopping, would this fix the economy?</strong></div>
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Maybe. Humanity is still pretty set on the idea that going to IKEA or Primark on the weekend will solve everyone's problems. The IIPBA feels that this is a little too focused on the short term, but before we come up with anything better, I guess we should encourage it.</div>
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Anyway. 2 million people had a day off and about 7 people turned up at the picket line. Maybe more. The IIPBA was amused to hear that the extra 1.99999 million people took the opportunity to do some Christmas shopping with stores up and down the country reporting record rates of "absolutely heaving" shop floors. What did they buy? Who cares right, as long as they're chucking money at the economy. Brilliant. </div>
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Our back of a fag packet calculations suggest that if public sector workers could strike every week, high street spending would increase by 34% year on year based on quarter 4 consumer confidence predictions. If we project these estimates into quarter 5, then the UK would see GDP growth spiral to the dizzy heights of just above 1%, the highest growth level in the G7, OECD, EU 15, G20 and BRIC nations combined. </div>
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<strong id="yui_3_2_0_19_13227331745649543" style="right: auto;">Final thoughts</strong></div>
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Let the people shop. </div>
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-4260029724874311282011-11-29T11:49:00.003+00:002011-11-30T21:30:28.226+00:00Thinking Paper #208: The Pre-Budget Report (1997-2009): An Obituary<span style="font-weight:bold;">By Ron Ford</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">The Autumn statement (nee Pre-Budget Report - bit dry wasn't it?) used to be called the Pre-Budget Report (PBR). In the good old days anyway. People bloody love Autumn and they hate pre-budgets, that's what the focus groups said. Thank you Steve Hilton, your contribution to the running of government continues to be invaluable. <br /></span><br /><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5669383046236801202" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivecKMouRcwLjdcdPafXO3mQMtEIlpN64ScQqIPssG4v-opHWcxV5ebjWdkbsNt4zWoYVDco_IVwPHkV0ZPbBdd2JblhI3d48IG4H1QhCMH9bneKxSmKAIU2g02PJrWaWdG9Jdq_Oz-_4/s320/GeorgeOsborne.bmp" style="display: block; height: 320px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 221px;" /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">A biography</span><br /><br />As a child, the PBR was quiet and studious. Shy around other financial reports, the PBR struggled to make friends and was socially awkward. However, PBR proved to be academically brilliant and went on to study Media Studies at Kings College Cambridge in 1992. After a successful appearance on University Challenge, in which PBR went up against several key IMF reports, a Q4 analysis from OECD and a rather subdued Summer Statement, it was plucked from relative obscurity by a Gordon Brown. <br /><br />It’s favourite times with Gordon were often drink fuelled. "Rum", he would shout at the opposition benches "was the drink of my father and my father" he continued "was the drink of God". In 1997, following a similar drunken outburst, Gordon was sick on Peter Lilley's shoes. After a period of solitude, Peter Lilley became a florist.<br /><br />PBR was Mr Top bollocks for 12 years. During this period, PBR was debated by the finest economic speak-pieces this country has ever produced. In 2001, Robert Peston described the PBR as "beyond superlatives" and in 2005, a teenage Boris Johnson labeled it a "Shakespearean felching fest". However, after over a decade at the top, its time had to come to an end. It was banished to the shoe cupboard of history by that pesky young upstart, Gideon "I've got a bum for a nose and a nose for a bum" Osborne. Rupert Harrison of Wingbourne IV and his compatriot, Steve Hilton, asked 7 men from Bristol which season they preferred, Autumn or the Pre-Budget Report. All 7 looked confused, but, fairly convinced that Pre-Budget Report wasn't a season, opted for Autumn.<br /><br />And there we have it folks. The short and rather tragic life of the Pre-Budget Report. Enjoy the statement at 12.30. The IIPBA will not be watching.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-54368745282860331532011-11-29T08:30:00.000+00:002011-11-29T08:30:00.746+00:00Thinking Paper #207: Franny Maude's "business plans" and "top down targets"?By Ron Ford Golightly<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Abstract</span><br /> <br /><span style="font-style:italic;">The IIPBA's chief rivals, the Institute for Government, have done some (actual) research into the "business plans" which set out the progress Government departments have made on their top down targets. Franny Maude said that his "business plans" aren't the same as top down performance targets but then went on to explain that the Government has missed 25% of these non-existent targets. The IIPBA responds. <br /></span> <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_KDnu-cH2b4VhF3ShdmgkKpaFvRhBFhTEsJ1P0sPC1VF9Eb9C95wEgoi4t82DL7exKVwQ-9yKQwuIEVsTX9NSJ6CZMD9DxhyNA12SduxtqNuFJHmZq6X-hfI7rRI0Y68nCQscW0g3SkM/s1600/IMG_0005.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 318px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_KDnu-cH2b4VhF3ShdmgkKpaFvRhBFhTEsJ1P0sPC1VF9Eb9C95wEgoi4t82DL7exKVwQ-9yKQwuIEVsTX9NSJ6CZMD9DxhyNA12SduxtqNuFJHmZq6X-hfI7rRI0Y68nCQscW0g3SkM/s320/IMG_0005.bmp" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5680160066895581282" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">It's all that listening what dun it</span><br /> <br />An analysis of departmental "business plans" by the Institute for Government reveals that several departments, including DEFRA, Health and the Cabinet Office, failed to achieve almost a quarter of their targets. A DEFRA spokeperson said that these missed targets primarily related to the loss of a single cow on the North York moors in late 2010 and the failure to remove Hilary Benn's name from the letter heads of the departmental stationery supply. The Department for Health had a better excuse. They said that they were too busy undergoing the "Great Pause of 2011" to focus on meeting Maude's targets but added that they had definitely met all of their "listening targets".<br /> <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">The post-bureaucratic age - policy recommendations for Mr Letwin<br /></span> <br />The IIPBA have stuck with Letwin through thick and bin (get it? Good) and we think that its about time he paid the PBA more heed. Targets, targets, targets - that's all Maude talks about. The IIPBA believes that the root of the problem lay in these "business plans". We therefore suggest:<br /> <br />1. The scrapping of all Francis Maudes, including but not entirely focused on the one who works at 70 Whitehall.<br /> <br />2. The freeing of Civil Servants. Civil Servants by their very nature are libertarians; stifle them with red tape and you stifle progress. Remove the "red tape" paid for with "taxpayers money" and they will thrife. They will literally drown in their own creative juices. You've got to set them free Letwin. Like chickens in a field, the IIPBA is calling for "free range Civil Servants".<br /> <br />We're watching you Maude.Tom Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18201345543198833859noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-51790067662430826322011-11-28T08:30:00.000+00:002011-11-28T08:30:01.624+00:00Thinking Paper #206 - Is the Ed Balls and George Osborne show good for the economy?By Tim Massingberd James<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Abstract</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Here at the IIPBA we love a bit of political nonsense, and nothing pleased us more than seeing talking boxes George Osborne and Ed Balls on the same sofa next to floppy-eared Andrew Marr yesterday morning having an abstract conversation about which was more of a tear-jerker out of the Antiques Roadshow and the Killing. Smashing stuff. We like it, More please.<br /></span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLR8TpuZ606TcZdOF_p6_zChH4Hiw9UcjdDkeiBUUQEiIgQp5urjv5gt18TVfpvMu8904ocC10G-lQmOVtv02ukLZZKI1yQ87kqnWSoledH4fennS4i0m2ZNmfucpk6gnXMPHsSxOX1y8/s1600/IMG_0004.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 154px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLR8TpuZ606TcZdOF_p6_zChH4Hiw9UcjdDkeiBUUQEiIgQp5urjv5gt18TVfpvMu8904ocC10G-lQmOVtv02ukLZZKI1yQ87kqnWSoledH4fennS4i0m2ZNmfucpk6gnXMPHsSxOX1y8/s320/IMG_0004.bmp" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5679805191132175522" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Is the Ed Balls and George Osborne show good for the economy?</span><br /><br />Ed Balls is the Shadow Chancellor. He is a blinky talking box who is married to a fifteen year old boy. George Osborne is the one that makes the decisions. He is the secret love-child of Peter Mandelson and the rear of Rear of the Year winner 1998, Carol Smillie (We won't explain how he managed this, safe to say it involved Mandy doing rather a lot of thinking about Tony's smile). When they get together they squabble like schoolchildren, but we're sure eventually they'll go to Bilderberg together. It's all great fun.<br /><br />But is all the arguing good for the economy? The IIPBA done a research, and it would appear that the answer is yes. Whilst to us Brits it all seems a bit frivolous and we wish they'd just get on with doing good stuff to the numbers, this does not take into account the blossoming Ed and George paraphenalia market, and the global TV rights for their squabbles. In fact, Ed Balls away kits are now the country's third largest export after Ricky Gervais and the telephone, and one of Osborne's old ties recently exchanged hands in a Nairobi auction house for $150,000. <br /><br />Foreign people are going mad for the Ed and George show, and a recent six month expedition to the unexplored jungles of Papua New Guinea stumbled on one group of villagers who had never before been contacted by outsiders, silently clustered around a TV they had managed to recover from a crashed aeroplane watching live Treasury Questions. On his recent expedition in the Afghan Hindu Kush, Mountaineer Carlo Spinelli reported stumbling across a remote village where the chief was wearing a strap on bum-for-a-nose and conducting a tribal religious ceremony based around repeated chanting of <span style="font-style:italic;">“Britonnn is faycing the largisst badget deficit since the war and we have noo choyce but to tackle it decisivvvely”</span> whilst doing an Ed Balls <span style="font-style:italic;">'questionable flatlining salute'</span>.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Conclusion</span><br /><br />The world is mad for Ed and George. They should have their own reality TV show where they have to live in a house and its something to do with putting them outside their comfort zone and the only thing we know about it is if it is on Harry Hill's TV Burp.Tom Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18201345543198833859noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-5822010643965559922011-11-25T22:45:00.001+00:002011-11-25T22:47:10.054+00:00Friday Thinking Points<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjik0PjKFJ25pdohy_gJb6TeXZc3jbPTjli2w3hTo0_8Hf15ixzvOWm75iJZXGtJwVzTq9VOZvSO62w5CwHvkQ5m9ggcTuRjbXfgGegDQu7q-s_uKdjPCP-GbPQntA2ZQn1GcOua3l7Evo/s1600/MikePenning.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 208px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjik0PjKFJ25pdohy_gJb6TeXZc3jbPTjli2w3hTo0_8Hf15ixzvOWm75iJZXGtJwVzTq9VOZvSO62w5CwHvkQ5m9ggcTuRjbXfgGegDQu7q-s_uKdjPCP-GbPQntA2ZQn1GcOua3l7Evo/s320/MikePenning.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5679068680879780482" /></a><br />It's Friday thinking points dear followers:<br /><ul><li>The IIPBA understands that Civil Servants will only permit girls with "substantial puppies" and people with "funny sounding names" during their week long stint working as Border guards. The IIPBA considers this juvenile but essential.</li></ul><ul><li>Ed Miliband contines to prove to his detractors that he is well and truly beyond satire. "It would be like punching a child in the face" said one well known political satirist we spoke to (thanks Roger)</li></ul><ul><li>Celebrities accused newspapers this week of giving the public what they want. When asked, the public voted unanimously in favour of allowing newspapers to feed them celebrity shite for ever and ever and ever and ever.</li></ul><ul><li>The IIPBA congratulates Roads Minister, Mike Penning, for sticking to his guns and refusing to increase the toll on the Dartford-Thurrock River Crossing. The crossing is a bridge and tunnel link in the M25 around London and suffers from severe congestion. Mike said a big "sod off" to suggestions of a 50p increase and the IIPBA congratulates him for this. </li></ul><ul><li>Oh and Michael Gove gets antsy about children not knowing who King Edward II is. He's dead, that's who he is. Gabriel, have a word won't you please?</li></ul>Tom Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18201345543198833859noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-2775127690280148062011-11-24T08:30:00.001+00:002011-11-24T08:30:00.585+00:00Thinking Paper #205: An analysis of Ed Miliband's achievementsBy Ron Ford Golightly<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Abstract</span><br /> <br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Fifteen months into his tenure as leader of the Labour party and Ed Miliband has done something. The IIPBA accepts that he's failed to capture the public imagination, storm ahead in the polls, get anyone to listen to him, impress his own party, accomplish a successful relaunch, sound convincing, look like a leader, announce a policy, make an inspiring speech, answer the big questions, appear attractive to the electorate, garner support in the media, cope with Dave at PMQs or get his brother to stop prank calling him. BUT, he has coined a phrase.</span><br /> <br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht4obM8TVgFSPs0hyykGgfwvT5Sn5mArbHKrQWmM3_6oTI6EA-meDYwEafD9D2hI41e8MdHVelqSx9gODAoUemT9x59AcTBVC_wYpR3PfeMcNA1KVBNjWAVAA_-kFpecrfvXR7YBe3MOo/s1600/EdMiliband.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 181px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht4obM8TVgFSPs0hyykGgfwvT5Sn5mArbHKrQWmM3_6oTI6EA-meDYwEafD9D2hI41e8MdHVelqSx9gODAoUemT9x59AcTBVC_wYpR3PfeMcNA1KVBNjWAVAA_-kFpecrfvXR7YBe3MOo/s320/EdMiliband.bmp" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5678325232523429650" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">The detail<br /></span> <br />That's right. Ed has coined a phrase which has gone on to win the Oxford English Dictionary Word of the Year award. On the Today programme a while back he referred to the "squeezed middle" which he then went on to define as "those lot who we need to vote for us at the next election". The Oxford crew then put it in their dictionary and named it as their Word of the Year beating "clunge", "daisychain" and "fuckingbankers" to the title. <br /> <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Concluding comments<br /></span> <br />Not bad Ed. Fifteen months in and you've coined a phrase. Congratulations from the IIPBA.<br /> <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">*Update*<br /></span> <br />Just in, Gordon Brown used the phrase "squeezed middle" in his 2009 Labour conference speech. Sorry Ed.Tom Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18201345543198833859noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1695223590737491968.post-53450975258548645772011-11-21T08:30:00.001+00:002011-11-21T08:30:03.488+00:00Thinking Paper #204: Transparency in politics - a new perspective<div style="text-align: left;">By Ron Ford Golightly</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><b>Abstract</b><br /><br /><i>According to urban legend, if you place a goldfish in a dark room, it will turn transparent. The question on the IIPBA's lips is, what does this mean for the future of Gideon "the wallpaper" Osborne's face?<br /></i><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 300px; " src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1v3UImCxYavC4nfzb7VkCCucN0VEzIO7v-x4KTIEYSb8BzfN1WsSC9a3HsaFzMZ9HubQss2O3Tp_c4C0KQCY77TN92FaFDGAJSnXOxfP2rP7apRIHZWNqVDfTq1MeQCk0yMB4grWfLgw/s320/IMG_0003.bmp" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5677146654332492130" /></div><b>The background</b><div><b><br /></b>The Treasury building is a dark place. George banned lightbulbs in May 2010 in a cost cutting measure and Danny "God I hate his face" Alexander, taxed the use of windows later the same year. According to sources (thanks Rupert), this has meant that a number of Treasury civil servants have had to evolve a kind of second sight which involves using a pin hole camera and clips of the Sun on YouTube. Gideon is reportedly quite happy reading his briefing by torchlight. For any Daily Mail readers reading, he buys his own batteries.<br /><br /><b>The science<br /></b><br />The IIPBA's frontal visage team have spent the past 18 months studying the faces of Gideon and, for comparison, Dave "the Dutch oven" Cameron. Following a quick chat down the pub, they came up with a couple of conclusions:<br /><br />1. Gideon is slowly turning transparent from spending too long in the dark shadows of the Treasury. When they came to power, Gideon sported what can only be described as a Bulgarian tint. He followed this up with a brief period of "Swiss snow burn", but has slowly morphed into an "ivory white" stage. If these projections are continued to their natural conclusion, he will be on the spectrum of transparency by this time next year.<br /><br />2. David Cameron is getting redder. If this trend continues at the same pace, he will reach the "Phil Mitchell stage" by 2014. For perspective, Phil Mitchell of Eastenders fame has to boil his head for 30 minutes a day to achieve this horror stage tone. The IIPBA estimates that Dave might be a one hour a day kind of guy.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Recommendations<br /></span><br />1. We suggest that Steve Hilton hold a focus group to see how far the electorate are willing to accept the "Phil Mitchell" look<br /><br />2. We suggest that Rupert Huffington of Wingbourne hold a focus group to see how far the electorate are willing to accept the "goldfish in a cupboard look".<br /><br />3. And finally, we suggest that Mike Penning, if he's serious about his plans to be the stalking horse, seek a middle ground that we call the "Cornish glow"<br /><br />Best of luck Mike</div>Tom Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18201345543198833859noreply@blogger.com0