Thinking Paper #103: Lib Dem Party Conference season - some predictions

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

As journalists, political researchers and spotty apparatchiks look forward to getting so drunk they forget what a parliamentary majority is, the IIPBA looks ahead at what we can expect from the three party conferences. Up first, those pesky Liberal Democrats.

Our predictions

• The safe money is on Nick Clegg making a damn good stab at distancing himself from the very Tory that he is. To his dismay, he will ultimately fail.

• The IIPBA has seen extracts from his speech which goes something like this: “I hate them I do… I bloody hate them. Ooh, you should see me in that Cabinet room. I said, oi Dave, oi, yeah you, pink head, you shut up your condom face will you and listen to me. We’re going to pause, reflect and listen right? Otherwise, me and Chris Huhne’s haircut are gonna get a bit clumsy. You know what I’m saying?” etc

• Chris Huhne will be arrested whilst making a speech about how many houses he has. When told that “you do not have to say anything but anything you do say may be used against you in court”, Huhne will shout “Nick Clegg has a small Johnson”.

• The crowd will cheer every time someone says “those naughty Tories”.

• Vince “the Cable” Cable will set out an alternative economic policy from the Tories which will involve putting Rupert Murdoch and a selection of bankers in a cage with a family of Tigers who have just learnt that their family business is going under due to the lack of loans emanating from banks.

• Danny Alexander will take an unnecessary swipe at Rory Stewart MP and then make a public plea for an invite to next years Bilderberg conference.

Next week… Ed Miliband and the gala of forgotten Prime Ministers.