14 September 2011

Thinking Paper #97: Will anyone's house ever be big enough?

By Tim Massingberd-James

Abstract

As the Royal Institute of British Architects publishes research condemning “shameful shoe-box homes”, and suggesting that an architect is paid a lot of money to redesign your kitchen diner, the IIPBA asks why you are never ever happy with what you have, however hard we try.

Will anyone's house ever be big enough?

The Royal Institute of British Architects has done some research and found that floor area of the average new three-bedroom home in Britain is 88 square metres, approximately 8 square metres short of what they recommended.

As various pundits are wheeled out on the news to discuss this further, most people seem to blame the blight of “property developers” with apparently no one at all noticing that architects design their houses too, and they are the ones who should know things about recommended room sizes.

Similarly, no one seems to blame you and your fat little kids for being so greedy and wanting a huge house with as much pointless shit as possible in it. On the radio earlier, one woman bleated on about how her three bedroom house, which she lived in alone, was not big enough. She appeared not to have noticed the two extra redundant rooms which she would never use unless she could trick a man into getting her pregnant.

She told the IIPBA that even if that happened, she'd make him mortgage his soul and work 48 hour weeks so she could afford somewhere with 5 bedrooms, as Kevin Mcleod told her she had to have at least two empty rooms in her home.

The IIPBA conducted its own research, and found that architects make thousands of pounds for each home redesign which takes place, and that most people will always want bigger houses, in which they can put bigger TVs and sit silently waiting to die.

Conclusion

Your local pub is massive, and full of friendly conversations with interesting people. Why not go there, and spend time making new friends and being part of a community. Your home is a hell hole which owns you anyway.

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