21 September 2011

Thinking Paper # 110: Nick Clegg's speech: The IIPBA's perspective

It's tough being Nick Clegg, but it's even tougher for people who have to listen to him speak.  No wonder Dave limits their communication to the occasional text message.  But don't fret followers, the IIPBA have provided you with an easy and accessible summary of his speech accessible in bullet format just below.

Ø  According to our expert dieticians, Nick Clegg delivered his speech whilst on a cocktail of cheese, sausage rolls, gin 'n' tonics in a can and salted Doritos
Ø  He wore a purple tie to ward off evil, he looked "Clint Eastwood serious" and he sounded "Iain Duncan Smith" loud.
Ø  The room was 33% empty (thank you statistics team).  Benedict Brogan jokes "is Tim Farron really that annoying?"   Answer: No - Nick Clegg is really that uninspiring.
Ø  He said that he will make sure that he will "never lose" Danny Alexander's lunch vouchers.  He also said stuff about the economy, JD sports, the Chipping Norton set and tuition fees - things like "Murdoch", "cleaning it up" and "I cherry bakewelled him". 
Ø  He strayed into a historical lecture when he began analysing the great "Prawn cocktail offensive" of 1997 and the "The night of the red wine jus" of 2005. 
Ø  Twenty minutes in he took a bit of an unnecessary swipe at the Backstreet Boys, the aging US boyband
Ø  He ended by getting his Johnson out and shouting "look at Chris Huhne... doesn't he look silly".
Ø  He made not one, I repeat, not one mention of the post bureaucratic age.  I ask you.  What are we here for?  Oliver Letwin will be turning in his grave.

Concluding Comments

1.    Overall message from Nick Clegg - "Nick Clegg is the right thing to do"
2.    Overall message from the IIPBA - it's all a bit Iain Duncan Smith...  "The quiet man is turning up the volume"
3.    His wife looked very nice and Danny Alexander looked a bit flatulent.

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