13 September 2011

Thinking Paper #95 - The Boundary Commission

By Jacinta Burrow

Abstract

The publication of the Boundary Commission’s proposals for new constituency borders has allowed MPs to indulge in their two favourite pastimes: talking about themselves and schadenfreude. The IIPBA has summoned up the will to live long enough to scribble down a few points.

Key points
  • Nick Clegg is completely fucked. Again.
  • George Osborne’s seat escapes largely unscathed. Membership of the Bullingdon Club remains the gift that keeps on giving.
  • Ed Balls is up against a Shadow Cabinet colleague for a redrawn seat. Hilary Benn prepares to retire and publish yet another book about what a bastard Ed Balls is.
  • The effective abolition of Nadine Dorries’ seat will give her plenty of time to launch Britain’s answer to the Tea Party Movement and prepare for re-election in 2020
  • MPs affected by the changes will use phrases like “gerrymandering” and compare redrawn seats to Rhodesia and the Belgian Congo
  • Those unaffected will gleefully refer to unlucky colleagues as “on suicide watch”
  • MPs popular with their parties will be fine
  • MPs unpopular with their parties will convince themselves that a career in lobbying wouldn’t be too bad really
Conclusions

The IIPBA looks forward to the day when we’ve created the Big Society and all live happily together in one massive constituency. Onwards, comrades!

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