8 September 2011

Thinking Paper #87 - Know Your Question Time

By Jacinta Burrow


The weekly battle of wits between the political classes and the nation’s pub bores returns to our TV screens this evening. Please read the following carefully. Thank you.

  • David Dimbleby will struggle to keep the fear from his voice as he is forced to give details of the BBCQT “Twit…ter hash…tag”
  • He will give details of “how to follow the comments on Ceefax”. Everyone will strain to remember what the point of Ceefax is.
  • Mr Dimbleby will point out “the lady there in a pink blouse”. The camera will pan to a gentleman in a blue suit.
  • Dimbleby will let a smug-looking man on the front row waffle on and then ask him a follow up question. He will look scared to death and make a mental note never again to shout “he didn’t answer the question!” while listening to the 0810 interview on the Today Programme.
The Audience
  • Tonight’s “9/11 Special” means there will be lots of inappropriate close-ups of audience members as the producers desperately hope someone will break down in tears.
  • A “young person” will ask a question which makes a tangential point about “young people” and how the government is ignoring “the next generation”.
  • An audience member will reference Saudi Arabia’s pleasingly low crime rate or how Enoch Powell has basically been proved right. Two people will applaud. Everyone else will look a bit uncomfortable.
  • Do pass Go!, do collect £200, do scream “house!” if anyone says – in relation to the invasion of Iraq, the expenses scandal, the BBC’s decision to cancel One Man and His Dog – “It was all about oil!”

If you hang in there for an hour of Liam Fox and Bonnie Greer and don’t switch over to Channel 5 for the Celebrity Big Brother Final, you have won. Well done.

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