30 September 2011

Thinking Paper #125: The Party Conference season - up last, that incumbent Conservative lot

By Ron Ford Golightly


Last week we enjoyed watching Ed Miliband’s silly face. Apparently 11,000 people were in attendance to watch his silly face. Silly face. Silly face.

Conservative conference - our predictions
  • As the champagne is smuggled in the back door and members don their condom face tribute masks to their leader, George Osborne will be making some last minute tweaks to his speech which will announce that the Labour lot don’t have a plan to rescue the economy and that his plan is working, despite most evidence to the contrary.
  • Over the course of the week there will be at least two u-turns and one knee jerk response
  • Everyone over the age of 30 will constantly bleat on about how it was nicer when the conferences were at the seaside.
  • Cameron will strike a sombre note with his speech whilst wearing a black top hat and carrying a wreath with his own name on it. He will go on to complain that he doesn’t get as many holidays as he used to.
  • Guido Fawkes, Eric Pickles and Andrew Neil will all lend their support to the event with the prettiest girls and the best quality free drink.
  • Eric Pickles will fall through the stage floor whilst talking about bin collections. As he rests within the rubble, a single tear will roll down his cheek as he remembers what he really wanted to do with his life. His dream was to be a sculptor.
  • None of the band of hard eurosceptic MPs will bother going, preferring to spend their time at their third home in the Dordogne.
  • Michael Gove and other key Conservative cabinet members will publicly declare their love for Tony Blair. It will emerge that Gove has a tattoo on his thigh of the full transcript of Blair’s Iraq speech that he made to the House of Commons in 2003.
  • That women who’s the Secretary of State for Wales will turn up in a tracksuit and when asked by Nick Robinson why she thought it was appropriate to wear what she did, she will tell him in no uncertain terms to “fuck off”.

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