Thinking paper #117: Let there be light‏

By X. Fan

Abstract

The World's Largest Merry-Go-Round at CERN is in Switzerland. Switzerland is a small mining community off the coast of France notable for extracting gold, chocolate and watches. This makes it perfect for the study of really really tiny things no one can see or knows exist. People are paid to time how long it takes the machine to break down in confusion between Toblerone breaks.

Let there be light‏

This week CERN have realised that really really tiny things no one can see or knows exist may travel faster than the speed of light. IIPBA analyses what implications this could have for our government:

• Ed Miliband will propose a tax on time travel. Revenue from this tax would be ringfenced and invested in two new duplicates of Professor Brian Cox.

• People will laugh more slowly at Doctor Who fans. Richard Branson will buy the TARDIS, rebranding it the 'Now you can always remain a Virgin'.

• U-turns will be even easier. Of course, you'll never know.

• Jeremy Hunt will invite the fastest most patriotic subatomic particle to represent Team GB at London 2012.

• Ed Balls will accuse said particle of going "too far, too fast".

• Nick Clegg will be seen outside your bedroom window yesterday, grovelling.

• (cur | prev) 17:48, 23 September 2011 Johann Hari (talk | contribs) (30,612 bytes) (Reverted 1 edit by X Fan (talk): SO not true, I would never do this!!)

Concluding remarks

No one knows if what has been found is true for sure. More details will be made available after Michael Gove finishes rewriting the whole of science