Thinking Paper #142 – Reshuffle roundup

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

Red Ed's done an reshuffle. Here are the headlines.


Reshuffle roundup

• Eddie “the Eagle” Edwards is to become Shadow Leader of the House

• Chuka Ummuna will become Shadow Business Secretary in what Labour insiders are describing as “An in-joke about how little respect we have for Vince Cable”.

• Mark Wright from The Only Way is Essex (TOWIE) is to be enobled and will become Labour's Shadow Minister for Defence Procurement. He will also lead a review of semi-professional football, adopting the style Baron Tottenham Hotspur.

• John Healey has resigned in order to spend more time “openly talking to his wife about what a bad job Ed is doing”.

• Ivan Lewis is to be demoted for being “an arsehole”.

• That one who defeated Portillo in 1997 is being promoted for being the only Labour MP willing to serve in Ed's Shadow Cabinet who any real person has actually heard of.

• IIPBA favourite Shaun Woowar appears to have been retired. At this point we feel duty-bound to remind everyone Shaun doesn't have a butler, and we should all stop going on about it at every available opportunity.

• Peter Hain hangs on as Shadow Wales Secretary. He is said to have promised Ed he will buy a hoody in what is fast becoming a ground war to look as 'street' as Cheryl Gillan.

• Little-known MP for Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath, James Gordon Brown appears to have been passed over for promotion due to a rumour about rocking horses.

Conclusion

It will make no difference at all, as Ed Miliband will never be Prime Minister.