Thinking Paper #154: BREAKING NEWS: Fatties should eat less, exercise more‏

By Alexis Horner

Abstract

Hold your headlines; stop the press. Really, stop twittering in the back. Our sedentary society needs a kick up the backside and onto the scales. The government’s obesity strategy has broken the news that we all need to eat less and exercise more in order to lose those muffin-tops, moobs and cankles.


Fatties should eat less, exercise more‏

Here at the IIPBA, we think that they think that we don’t know they think we are stupid. The report, part of the government’s streamlining and efficiency strategy, goes on to advise the following:

1: Lose your fat friends: even the image of extra weight puts on the pounds. Your social circles may shrink 60%, but it’s all in aid of austerity Britain.

2: Make everything greener: that means paint your walls green, re-lay grassy carpets and sleep on a bed of spinach. Healthy room, healthy mind.

3: Run, rabbit, run: The new Work Programme relies on Jobseekers proving their ‘worth’ by running to the JobCentre. If you don’t exceed your Personal Best, you don’t get a gold ‘deserving poor’ mark on your records.

Conclusion

For all of you who were, like us, under the impression that weight gain waxed and waned like the moon, lets streamline our lipids, maximise our efficiency and watch as Eric Pickles is gently edged out of cabinet. Long live Gr-eatless Britain.