Thinking Paper #170: The Greasy Pole; Sexing Up Politics‏

By Jamie Harrop, Co-Editor of The Starr Blog

Abstract

Sex, it would seem, sells everything. A quick glance at the TV proves this. Even bathroom cleaners, products designed to remove horrid, smelly things now have attractive women pouting and smiling suggestively as they scrub away at the mess on the toilet ("Bang and my clothes are gone"). If sex really does sell, politics can’t be selling much.

The Greasy Pole; Sexing Up Politics‏

Other than the ravishing, suspiciously sculpted Louise ‘I haven’t had Botox, honest’ Mensch, politics seems a rather dry, very unsexy business. One look around the Commons would prove this fact. In one corner, crumbling away is one Vince "the cable" Cable, who looks rather like one of those hairy dog-poos, which for some inexplicable reason has gone white in the sun. Who’s that wandering in? (waddling seemed too mean; he seems a nice bloke really) It’s Eric Pickles who, rather fantastically and fortuitously, looks, of course, like a rather large pickled egg.

How can we sex up politics?

Dwindling voting numbers and widespread public disenchantment suggests it needs a bit of hotting up:

• Step up our wise and gracious leader with his new live WebCam shows. Rather kinky Mr Cameron, but a step in the right direction.

• Even the recent saga over Dr Liam ‘Foxy’ Fox had a bit of sex mixed in, with suggestions of a "spark" between him and Mr Werrity*. Good work guys, that’ll get the public going.

• Elsewhere, Edwina Currie has been flaunting her stuff on camera too, thrusting herself around, bedecked in sequins. Even the Speaker’s wife was on Big Brother. I wonder if she will do the obligatory topless shoot in Zoo and Nuts? Maybe the Ed Miller Band should do a topless shoot in OK! or Hello too?

Recommendations

When Benjamin Disraeli became Prime Minister in the 19th Century he declared he had “reached the top of the greasy pole.” I suggest combining WebCameron and the aforementioned greasy poles and you might get something that, if sex sells, will really sell. Without it, well, heaven forbid, politics and politicians will become known for just getting on and doing their jobs.

_{(*The IIPBA would like to categorically state that this was an incorrect scurrilous rumour and Dr Fox is happily married to a stout-looking lady called Jesme)}