Thinking Paper #138: Mike Penning or bust - where is the Tory party heading?

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

Tim Massingberd-James has been very clear about who he sees as the next Tory leader. After her hoody stunt in the House of Commons, I really favour Secretary of State for Wales, Cheryl Gillan. Quite frankly, the tension is really starting to show in the IIPBA coffee room. Who else is in the running and what should be know about them?



Jeremy Hunt - Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport

Jeremy Hunt is famous for being called rude names that rhyme with his surname. This is our favourite thing about him. Other than this he is really rather boring. Oh, but he's got mates in the media who always put his name forward as future leadership material. He's married to a woman and has x kids , blah, blah, blah.

George Osborne - Chancellor of the Exchequer

George is said to be the "personification of political cunning". In the words of Baldrick, he is as "cunning as a fox what used to be Professor of Cunning at Oxford University but has moved on and is now working for the U.N. at the High Commission of International Cunning Planning". However, his voice is a little silly, his face is a bit annoying and he seems overly reliant on the "I'm pulling all of the strings from the shadows" strategy of political strategies.

Boris Johnson - Mayor of London and all round piffler

Boris is like a super intelligent 2 year old. This means that he still thinks that he's the centre of the universe. It also means that he doesn't have to do much and that when he does something bad, he tends to get away with it because he's mastered the cheeky 4 year old look. Boris is probably a good bet for future Conservative leader, but for god sake don't vote for him to lead dear old Blighty.

Michael 'Govey' Gove - Secretary of State for Educashun

Born in Edinburgh Castle in 1873, Michael Gove is a hyper-clever former journalist who is president of the international bow tie fan club. Gove is said to be building his own fortress inside the Department for Education. Many fear he may take the leadership by force, using strategically-placed cannons, if he cannot win the favour of the party, and the general public.

Conclusion, by Tim Massingberd James

> Ron is wrong. It's definitely gonna be Mike. Bet the house on it*.

_{*Don't actually bet the house on it}