17 October 2011

Thinking Paper # 160: Apple to sponsor British politics‏?

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

MP’s have recently voted in favour of being able to use their iPads, iPhones and BlackBerries during debates in the House of Commons. Luciana Berger, that naughty little temptress from Liverpool, was overheard saying that she was “rather relieved at the prospect of being able to read the Daily Mail celebrity column during Cheryl Gillan’s statements.” Oh, and she added “it’s good for democracy isn’t it?”Yes but what does this mean?

Firstly, MP’s advisors will really push the line that their MP is “cutting edge”. Over the weekend, an adviser to Sir George Young, the leader of the house, said that “George has an iPad and he will use it”. Good for you George. An adviser to Grant Shapps, housing minister, has also been in touch with the papers to let them know that “Grant will be one of the first ministers to take advantage of the new rules”. This is all brilliant Grant, but what about the housing shortage? And what does he mean by “taking advantage”? I do hope that he will keep his John Thomas under control during debates.

Secondly, MP’s will be able to tweet in the chamber e.g. “oh god, sat next to Cheryl Gillan again” and “Just realised that Ed Balls’ hair is too small for his head”.

Thirdly, but not really, Luciana Berger “predicted” that the introduction of tweeting during debates would help convince “thousands” of people to engage in politics. Oh Luciana, why are you so trying?

Fourthly, the speaker will pass a kidney every time someone forgets to turn their phone to silent as they receive yet another phone call from their mum to let them know that they’ve forgotten their lunch. This may or may not result in a far reaching inquiry into mobile phone ringtones.

Fifthly, Oliver Letwin will chuck his iPad in a bin in a park and the Daily Splurge will get all hot under the collar.

Sixthly, Apple’s stocks will plummet as a result of being too closely associated with Grant Shapps. Oh Grant, why do you test me so?

Conclusion

It was inevitable. Why would anyone ever want to listen to what anyone else is saying?

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