18 October 2011

Thinking Paper #163: Pickles the Pickler Proposes Pointed Penalties for Persistant Problems‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

Eric "Pickler" Pickles of Pickering has made a speech today about "problem families". "Problem families" cost Daily Mail readers £8 billion a year each in taxes and they are apparently worse than immigrants.


The speech

According to people on the internet, Pickles said that "Problem families are worse that al-qaeda, immigrants and the European Union all rolled into one."

He added "Labour spent the whole of the IMF budget on trying to fix this and we think that this was wrong because the sun used to shine and now it doesn't and they didn't build a conservatory when it was hot, so we're going to have to put up a greenhouse in the back garden so that the tomatos will grow and actually ripen this year. God I'm out of breathe. Will someone get me a subway foot long?".

It was remarked to be his most impressive speech to date.

Conclusion

Ministers want one dedicated official to turn up at people’s homes to get them out of bed for work, make sure their children go to school and ensure alcoholics or drug addicts go to rehab. Despite unemployment nearing 3 million people, not one person has applied for this vacancy.

Policy recommendations

Get Channel 4 to stick a camera in their homes 24 hours a day and then let middle class people laugh at them.

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