31 August 2011

IIPBA's predictions for the new term

By Ron Ford Golightly and Tim Massingberd James

The new term is days away, and the little Ministers and Shadow Ministers all have new lunchboxes and sharpened pencils from WHSmith, ready to return from their 7 week holiday next Monday. To be fair to some of them, they haven't had much of a holiday. Poor Nick Clegg has had to make do with a dirty weekend away in Tottenham and David Cameron has only enjoyed 3.5 holidays this summer.

As Michael Gove lubes his lips and Ed Balls denies his role in the attempted murder of Alastair Darling, we look at the Parliamentary term ahead of us.

Some predictions:
  • The war in Libya will continue to benefit Dave (old Pinky) in the polls thanks to the blood lust of the British public. See latest YouGov polls.
  • On Tuesday 6th September, Ed "the daggers" Balls will say things like "too far, too fast" during Treasury questions. George Osborne will say things like "it was the last government wot done it" and "it all started in America". Both will repeat until 2015.
  • Some MP (probably Bob Russell) will make some point about the coalition at the Lib Dem conference. He will get tentative applause, but no one outside the conference hall will be listening, or care.
  • The Queen will breathe a sigh of relief as she remembers that she doesn't have to read that awfully repetitive speech at the opening of Parliament until at least November. It will emerge that the civil servant responsible for writing the speech has been dead since 1987 anyway and that each year they just cut and paste a speech from 1982.
  • At Labour Conference, everyone will pretend they really like both Eds whilst frantically talking about them behind their backs.
  • The Tory Government and their Friends will come up with a policy that is unpopular. They will then "reflect, listen and learn". Dear Dave, the policy making process is traditionally done the other way around.
  • In case you need him at Conservative conference, Eric Pickles will be found near the free sandwiches, and sausages on sticks.
  • Barry Gardiner MP will continue to be awesome, despite the dubious title of "Ed Miliband's Special Overseas Envoy for Climate Change". If only our Bar could be leader.
  • Gideon George Osborne will turn into Gordon Brown.
  • The release of Alastair Darling's autobiography will pin the blame for everything on Ed Balls. Ed will deny it and then blink his eyes quite a lot.

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