3 August 2011

Thinking Paper #42: The who's who of No10 series - characters 1 - 5

By Ron Ford-Golightly

Abstract

Over the summer recess, the IIPBA will be exploring the ups and downs and the ins and outs of those power hungry little individuals who operate in the upper echelons of No10. What makes them tick? How tall are they? What was their upbringing? And does any of this matter? For those of you who are unaware, they are a bunch of Dave's friends who make decisions on behalf of the electorate. They are unelected, unscrutinised and more often than not, incredibly short.

1. Ed Llewellyn - No10 Chief of Staff (HR manager)

Ed Llewellyn is the Prime Minister's Chief of Staff (very well, but what does he do?). He is shorter than Steve Hilton but the same height as a step ladder and he once spoke to a policeman in an appropriate or inappropriate fashion depending on which newspaper you believe. The IIPBA's favourite fact about him is that he was at Eton at the same time as, yes, you've guessed it, David Cameron. As a side note, there's a line in "The Eton Boating Song" that goes: "Nothing in life shall sever the chain that is round us now". Quite.

2. Kate Fall - Outlook Calendar Operative

Oh the lovely Kate Fall: gate keeper and Outlook calendar operative for the Prime Minister. Let's get straight to the point. Did she or did she not share some time with Dave at an educational establishment? Yes, of course she did. I think she was his diary secretary at Oxford University or something (there is a rather unsettling trend emerging). She is taller than a step ladder and Ed Llewellyn, but shorter than an IKEA bookcase. Her name is an anagram of 'a flat Elk'.

3. Gabby Bertin - Her Master's Voice

Gabby Bertin speaks for David Cameron when he is otherwise engaged. At the age of two Gabby began speaking and from then on was destined to be a spokeswoman. She learnt to speak by surrounding herself with people who also spoke and she herself went on to speak. She sometimes speaks for David Cameron and when she's not doing this, she doesn't really know what to do with her time. Oh and she likes to buy shoes.

4. Laurence Mann - PPS

Laurence Mann is a part time tennis expert, the world's all time greatest piano player and the Prime Minister's Political Private Secretary. According to The Daily Mail website, Laurence found fame when he started dating former Big Breakfast superstar, Denise Van Outen. When the relationship soured, Laurence took solace in Conservatism and decided that his future lay in helping to run the country. When he's not politically privatising secretaries, he can be found on Strutton Ground in central London getting his tennis racket fixed. He went to the same playgroup as the Prime Minister and he is taller than both Ed Llewellyn and Steve Hilton.

5. Liz Sugg - Hypnotherapist and Long term strategic snack analyst

Liz Sugg organises events for Dave, no one is really sure what this means but I'm told that it includes things like banning stewed tea and stale buns. There are no known anagrams for 'Liz Sugg'. When you say Liz Sugg over and over again really quickly you can actually hypnotise yourself. Liz is taller than Llewellyn, but probably shorter than the rest of them. Apparently she is responsible for inventing Dave's now world famous comb back.

Concluding Remarks

What they all have in common is that they like to send emails really late into the night, and if possible not go home at all. This way Dave will be impressed and make them his new BFF. From there on in, life will be comfortable and they won't have to queue for things in supermarkets or pay for holidays. And they might get to a higher status within the Bilderberg group.

Next week... some more people who run the country.

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