25 August 2011

Thinking Paper # 71: Would someone please think of his bodyguards?

By Jacinta Burrow

Abstract

Alex Crawford is a Mumsnet web-chat with Alan Titchmarsh compared to Gaddafi’s Kalashnikov-toting female bodyguards. As the #Libya crisis worsens, what will happen to them?


What do we know?

1. The 40-strong protection force favours Gucci fashion accessories, coral tone lipsticks and those gel-inserts you can get for your shoes that mean you can dance round and round your handbag for hours on end without having to have a sit down.
2. They are the only known thing on earth to have upstaged a man who looks like a geriatric Michael Jackson and who took a camel with him on a state visit to France in 2007.
3. Ole Muammar claims that they symbolise his belief in female emancipation. They confirm the IIPBA’s belief in the benefits of anti-psychotic medication.
4. He claims that they are all virgins and he has never once asked them to help “calm his nerves”. In February he said that rebel forces “are drugging your children, they are making your children drunk and sending them to hell”. OK then.
5. Codename “Aisha” was killed while protecting Gaddafi from an attack on his motorcade by Islamic fundamentalists in 1998. She was his favourite one. But he was already absolutely fucking mental before that even happened.

Prospects going forward

It is understood that President Berlusconi has approached the new National Transitional Council offering the Gaddafi-bots full-time employment at one of his bunga-bunga lounges. Richard Desmond is also interested in a new martial arts/cookery show to fill the scheduling gap after the end of “Celebrity” Big Brother. Rumours of a WI-inspired calendar complete with strategically placed military hardware are yet to be confirmed. The MoD also denies reports that Liam Fox is to recruit the team so he can announce a “real terms rise in troop numbers”.

Conclusions

While their erstwhile employer runs off to a mansion in Pakistan to prepare for eventual “discovery” by the CIA in 2021, the IIPBA assumes that these young ladies will go down in a hail of bullets like at the end of Scarface.

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