31 August 2011

Thinking Paper #77: A Jessie Wallace vs. an Ebacc‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

Like two great civilisations clashing, the news today pits the tragedy that is Jessie Wallace against the breaking news that Michael Gove has done something about GCSE's. The IIPBA explores.

What is a Jessie Wallace?

Jessie Wallace is a type of dessert. No wait, she's off of Eastenders and she was due to get married and then didn't because her groom-who-wasn't texted dirty words to Max Clifford's secretary. As a result, Max Clifford and Hello magazine and everyone involved is going to make lots of money for something and nothing and possibly everything. Coleen Nolan hit the nail on the head when she said "Women love a bad boy because they're convinced they can change them, but it rarely works out". Amen Coleen. Just ask Roger, bad Roger.

What is an Ebacc?

An Ebacc measures how many pupils achieve a good GCSE in English, maths, two sciences, a language and humanity. Michael Gove, the lip quibbling rastafarian, wants everyone to be Ebacced up to the eyeballs. He says that an Ebacc will make you "rounded" because all of that art, exercise and religion bollocks is a waste of time. He also says that employers love Ebaccs and they will therefore love you. And that's good because everyone can be valued entirely on what they are worth to the economy. Nothing else, get it. You are your job and your contribution to the GDP. That is everything you are.

Concluding Remarks

We would like to send our condolences to Jessie Wallace and her groom-who-wasn't. However, she can take comfort in the fact that she was probably the most Googled name for three minutes this morning.

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