9 August 2011

Thinking Paper # 50: Roger 'the rock dodger' reports on the riots‏

By Roger Daring


Whilst Ron and Tim were out amongst the strewn trainers, looters and crumbling ruins, we sent our third finest investigative reporter Roger ‘rock dodger’ Daring on the trail of the politicians to see what they had to say.

Roger’s Findings

Roger found David Lammy MP at Ground Zero (JJB Sports) who said “For every person on camera throwing stones there will be 1,000 others off camera looting, burning buildings and having a jolly good old riot.”

Diane Abbott, loitering in a car park 100 yards away, made the following insightful remark whilst watching the blazing remains of a Tesco on the street opposite “it is difficult to see how areas like Tottenham can become less flammable soon.” Roger later realised that this was a summary of advice that she had been given by the Fire Department. When pushed for her plans to make Tottenham less flammable in the future Diane mumbled something about ‘flame retarded’ before tripping on a trolley of discarded trainers.

Nick Clegg said that he rejected "completely this notion that somehow this government hasn't been functioning very effectively". He added that the government stood "side by side" with the looters in "utterly condoning" the rioting and looting.

Ken Livingstone made a statement today which read "We do not want to go back to the 1980s," he was later seen wearing neon legwarmers, shoulder pads, a bat winged sweater and a Members Only Jacket. Roger remains sceptical regarding his original statement.

Ed Miliband reported that it still causes him pain to sneeze after his nasal transplant operation.

Concluding Remarks
  • Diane Abbott has announced that she will apply for the role of Fire Department Communications Officer.
  • Nick Clegg continues his career defining confusion as to exactly whose side he is on.
  • The Labour Party requested that Ed Miliband be tagged in all social media websites as #pointless.
  • Employees of Millbank Tower have asked that those involved in the clean-up operation donate any looted trainers they find to the ‘Barefooted Blundering Barnacle’ Steve Hilton as they ‘can no longer bear looking at his bony toes’. The IIPBA supports this donation to a charitable cause.

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