2 August 2011

Thinking Paper #41 - Will Mike Penning be the next Tory leader?

By Tim Massingberd-James

Abstract

Whilst the IIPBA has yet to formally support a candidate in the race for next Conservative leader, one front runner which is the talk of IIPBA staff is Mike Penning, ex fireman and Member of Parliament for Hemel Hempstead.

Mike Penning

Mike Penning was born in Essex and served as a soldier before becoming a fireman, businessman and political journalist. At the 2005 general election he achieved the largest swing of any Conservative candidate, and was subsequently able - due to his previous training by Essex Fire and Rescue Service - to extinguish the Buncefield oil fire with his bare hands. He is now Minister for Roads. Roads are a real thing, which exist. Not like Climate Change or Media or something. Mike would never bother with trivial bollocks like that.

Mike Penning and the Conservative Leadership

Mike Penning has never publicly declared a desire to lead the Conservative Party or the country, making him the perfect candidate to do so. Under Iain Duncan Smith, Mike was deputy head of news and media with special responsibility for briefing the parliamentary lobby, which makes him perfectly placed to outmanoeuvre journalists and get them on side, just as he did for Duncan Smith. Party leaders drive on many roads, and Mike's experience with roads makes him well placed to choose the best roads to drive on.

Mike's long list of 'proper jobs' makes him the best placed politician to lead the Government, in a system which is set to be changed from depending on who daddy knows to emotional 'back-story' when Simon Cowell is made King of England in 2013. After the 2013 general election, David Cameron will become Minister for Roads under a Lib-Dem administration led by joint leaders Charles Kennedy and Menzies Campbell, famous for their divorce, alcoholism and running, who are set to be reinstated under the new system. Mike will be leader of the official opposition.

If Mike leads the party to victory, which he inevitably will, Mike's long-suffering wife Angie is also an excellent choice for Prime Minister's wife. She is a lovely lady who is very good at answering the phone, which would make her brilliant at talking to Michelle Obama.

Conclusion

Mike is the right man for the job. The backstory of a red-faced fireman, soldier and Essex bruiser will win out in the end.

2 comments:

  1. Good to have you back Tim. How was Tremadog? I lived in an anarcho-pygmy squat there for a while. Funnily enough that was where I first ran into Mike Penning and the Pygmy Firefighters - his special project at the time. Very big ladders if I remember correctly.

    Good job on the article old boy.

    Toodle pip.

    Roger 'Dirty Dog' Daring

    ReplyDelete
  2. Tim Massingberd-James2 August 2011 at 16:01

    Snowdonia was hellish, Roger. Full of beautiful mountains, excellent pubs and even the odd patch of sunshine.

    I detest that sort of thing, and prefer reminiscing about my university drinking society, hunting, shooting, lunch at White's and tweeting Sally Bercow about Nadine Dorries.

    ReplyDelete

Say things here...