15 August 2011

Thinking Paper #56 - Miliband Vs Cameron: The battle for the Broken Britain

By Tim Massingberd-James


This morning, two comfortably rich men started the weekly news wheels whirring with twin speeches to mark seven days since everyone got new tellies and trainers. They once again put on concerned faces to make sure everyone knew this was serious. Broken Britain is back, and we examine who is most concerned about it, and who is least likely to fix it.

Key points

  • The Prime Minister will volunteer to spend time reading children bedtime stories at the end of each day. At 7.30pm, he will visit each home in Broken Britain with a copy of Swallows and Amazons, by Arthur Ransome, and read to each child until they can't keep their eyes open any more, at which point he'll tuck them in, give them a kiss on the forehead, slowly close the door, and tiptoe down the stairs. This marks 98th relaunch for the 'big society', a record number of relaunches for a Conservative Prime Minister.
  • Meanwhile, over at the Leader of the Opposition's grand suite of offices overlooking the Thames, plans have been drawn up to ensure that every person in the country “bear[s] a share of responsibility for the society we create". Ed spoke about his plan to sit down with the North London community partnership, and encourage votes to be taken on what is for dinner that week and how many hours of television will be allowed from then on. A vote has already been taken banning gender-specific terms like “mum” and “dad”, and henceforth children in Ed's street will be forced – at gunpoint if necessary– to refer to their parents by their first names.


Our country is in safe hands. Both the Government and the Opposition know how to stop people stealing trainers, and next week the Cabinet and and Shadow Cabinet will tour the country on a bus, stopping each time they see someone wearing a hoody, to tell them that they love them, just in case they have never heard that before. This will definitely happen, unless something more important comes up on Sky News before then.

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