15 August 2011

Thinking Paper # 55: An open letter to Pippa Middleton, Pippa Middleton, Pippa Middleton‏

By Ron Ford Golightly


Pippa Middleton has a bottom. A lot of men like it, everyone else finds it hard to care. Simon Cowbell wants to find her X-factor and 100% of the population want to see her in a "bluey".

An Open Letter to Pippa Middleton

Dear Pippa (if I may),

We hope this finds you well. To get straight to the point, we understand that Simon Cowell has decided to excavate you in search of the elusive X-factor which he keeps banging his drum about.

This alarmed us greatly so we held an emergency meeting to discuss what we could offer you as an alternative. Before we set out these offers, we would like to remind you that Simon Cowell (1) has a flat top haircut with a funny little centre parting (2) is still yet to find an X-factor in any human being (3) once managed Zig and Zag (4) will exploit your bottom until he's got enough money to buy a pair of stacked heeled shoes that will make him the tallest man on earth.

Instead of bowing to Cowell's mining expedition, we wondered if you might consider the following unique offers from the IIPBA:

The offers

1. We still have 12 places left on the IIPBA executive board - so far we seem to have been rejected by Simon Hoggart and Toby Young - this position is unpaid but you will have sole decision making powers over how many pictures of your bottom we publish online.

2. Freelance writer - Despite stiff competition for vacancies, we would be happy to offer you a place in our writing team. A word of warning though, Jacinta Burrow is, and always will be the IIPBA's no.1 diva so don't get any ideas above your station - "Jacinta don't take no prisoners." (J. Burrow, 15th August 2011)

3. We understand that you currently work in events – would you be interested in organising our launch party at the end of August?

Many thanks for reading and remember what we said about Simon Cowell. He's a bad egg.

Feel free to contact us via twitter, email or our RSS feed.

Kind regards,

Ron Ford Golightly

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