Thinking Paper #210 - Do we need Christmas presents? stuff?

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

The other day, the IIPBA's aunty got in touch asking what the IIPBA wants for Christmas. As it is, we wish we didn't have so much stuff anyway. Sometimes we wish an office fire would destroy the countless books, papers and pieces of nonsense we carry around with us. Yet tellybox tells us to go out and get more things. Where will it end?



Why do we all need so much stuff?

“Capitalism is Crisis” say the headbanging nutters on the steps of St Pauls. The IIPBA doesn't buy all that stuff about the bankers bonuses, but as far as we can tell there are some fundamendal problems with constantly buying more and more stuff. Land Rover are apparently to stop making Land Rovers because they last too long, and no one throws them away to buy another one a few years down the line. It's all nonsense.

The IIPBA done a research and found that apart from sunshine, the company of others, and the occasional pint of ale beside a warm fire, the great British public don't actually want anything any more.

However, everyone is afraid to mention it in case the Chinese come over and steal our wives. We don't necessarily need new stuff every week to make us happy, but we're so afraid of change the news keeps showing us the graphs and the numbers and telling us to buy.

Conclusion

We don't need the stuff. Everything will be alright from here on in. You will never die in a ditch filled with piss with flies in your eyes. Everything will be alright.

Thinking Paper #206 - Is the Ed Balls and George Osborne show good for the economy?

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

Here at the IIPBA we love a bit of political nonsense, and nothing pleased us more than seeing talking boxes George Osborne and Ed Balls on the same sofa next to floppy-eared Andrew Marr yesterday morning having an abstract conversation about which was more of a tear-jerker out of the Antiques Roadshow and the Killing. Smashing stuff. We like it, More please.



Is the Ed Balls and George Osborne show good for the economy?

Ed Balls is the Shadow Chancellor. He is a blinky talking box who is married to a fifteen year old boy. George Osborne is the one that makes the decisions. He is the secret love-child of Peter Mandelson and the rear of Rear of the Year winner 1998, Carol Smillie (We won't explain how he managed this, safe to say it involved Mandy doing rather a lot of thinking about Tony's smile). When they get together they squabble like schoolchildren, but we're sure eventually they'll go to Bilderberg together. It's all great fun.

But is all the arguing good for the economy? The IIPBA done a research, and it would appear that the answer is yes. Whilst to us Brits it all seems a bit frivolous and we wish they'd just get on with doing good stuff to the numbers, this does not take into account the blossoming Ed and George paraphenalia market, and the global TV rights for their squabbles. In fact, Ed Balls away kits are now the country's third largest export after Ricky Gervais and the telephone, and one of Osborne's old ties recently exchanged hands in a Nairobi auction house for $150,000.

Foreign people are going mad for the Ed and George show, and a recent six month expedition to the unexplored jungles of Papua New Guinea stumbled on one group of villagers who had never before been contacted by outsiders, silently clustered around a TV they had managed to recover from a crashed aeroplane watching live Treasury Questions. On his recent expedition in the Afghan Hindu Kush, Mountaineer Carlo Spinelli reported stumbling across a remote village where the chief was wearing a strap on bum-for-a-nose and conducting a tribal religious ceremony based around repeated chanting of “Britonnn is faycing the largisst badget deficit since the war and we have noo choyce but to tackle it decisivvvely” whilst doing an Ed Balls 'questionable flatlining salute'.

Conclusion

The world is mad for Ed and George. They should have their own reality TV show where they have to live in a house and its something to do with putting them outside their comfort zone and the only thing we know about it is if it is on Harry Hill's TV Burp.

Thinking Paper #195 - RIP Uncle Silvio

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

The IIPBA is bereft this morning, after 'Uncle' Silvio Berlusconi agreed to resign as Italian Prime Minister and not stand again if Italy holds early elections. Whatever will we do without his cheery face in our papers.



RIP Uncle Silvio

It's alright for Uncle Silvio, he has enormous wealth and will continue to enjoy lots of bunga bunga, rated as he is by Forbes magazine 118th richest man in the world with a net worth of US$7.8 billion.

Here at the IIPBA however, we can barely afford to switch the heating on in winter and the only thing keeping us warm is the thought that at 75 we might have a villa overlooking the Med and loads bunga bunga for ourselves.

Conclusion

He will be missed.

Friday Thinking Points

With Ron Ford Golightly, Tim Massingberd James and Jacinta Burrow

• Uh-oh, Ed Llewellyn's planning his next war. "Sources" (is that you Ed?) have said that "if Obama wants to bomb Iran to improve electoral ratings , then so do we". He followed this up by chanting "war" over and over again until he became so excited that he passed out on the floor.

• One upside to the financial crisis: Silvio Berlusconi's latest album of love songs has been delayed.

• Labour's advisers seek to gain new ground by getting all of their MPs to call the government "complacent". Meanwhile, the IIPBA is still struggling to understand how Ed Miliband is Her Majesty's official opposition.

• George Osborne continues to "undershoot" in most areas of his life. Poor George. On the other end of the spectrum, Hugh "the bastard" Grant is extremely fertile. Exactly what the world needs, another Hugh Grant.

• The Greek PM is having a "will-they-wont-they" flirtation with unemployment. A source close to the PM said "of course" sitting around watching daytime telly in your pants is preferable to doing a Eurozone crisis, but he was worried he might miss Angela Merkel's stern face.

• Six lads have been in a metal tube for a year and a half, in the largest pretending-to-be-an-astronaut-experiment ever. When pressed, Putin's spokesman said that the experiment had been a failure because they "didn't even bum".

Thinking Paper # 186: The Archbishop of Canterbury speaks

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

As well as making non-specific demands of internet service providers which have been widely condemned by the British Association of Fifteen Year Old Boys, the Church of England has been up to lots of other silly nonsense this week. They've been losing Deans and firing Canons all over the place, and today beardy Rowan has reared his head, joining every A-Level Politics student in the land in suggesting a 'Robin Hood Tax' on on financial trading. Why oh why doesn't he just be quiet?


The Archbishop of Canterbury speaks

It's as if Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams thinks we care what he has to say, and as if he thinks he is the first person to think of this. In fact, Nobel Laureate economist James Tobin suggested almost exactly the same thing in 1972, and it has never been adopted because it would drive even more of the money out of your country, into tax havens around the world. Rowan likes it because some idiots are parked on the steps of one of his offices.

It's all very well for the Church of England. They have hundreds of millions of pounds in various investments around the world, they own property in every town, village and city in the country, and people still continue to hand over their hard earned cash every Sunday in the same way they have for about 500 years. They don't have to worry about jobs, and the economy, and where their next pay cheque is coming from. Rowan lives in a palace, and gets all his expensive hats, staffs and robes on the Church, using the huge amounts of money our great great grandparents shelled out every single week of their short, miserable lives.

However, for the rest of us life is more difficult. We quite like having clothes to wear and having enough money to eat, but Rowan seems determined to throw it all away just because some lads are on a camping trip in front of his office. We think he should just refer to paper 183 and get some mean vicars in to clear it all up? We despair.

Conclusion

Why does Rowan's opinion matter? Why does he pander to about 50 idiots? Why all this handwringing? Just get on with it.

Thinking Paper #183: Should the clergy be more creative in their solutions to the tents outside St Paul's Cathedral?

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

The Church of England hierarchy is threatening to get pretty flipping angry about the tents outside St Paul's Cathedral. If something isn't done about it soon, they're bloody well going to be bloody annoyed about it. Okay?

Should the clergy be more creative in their solutions to the tents outside St Paul's Cathedral?

Listening to Church of England vicars sounding annoyed about the tents outside St Paul's Cathedral is an almost constant source of amusement to the IIPBA. We like it when the Today Programme runs a feature on it. We like it when we see them on telly. We like it when we wander past on the way back from an evening drink in Smithfields. Turns out the clergy just aren't that good at being angry at stuff.

We've come up with some options, for how the Church of England could achieve quicker results:

1. Some vicars go round for a game of cricket and one of them gets 'clumsy'

“Oops, I'm terribly sorry, but we play cricket here every Tuesday in the offseason. Are your head and kneecaps ok?”

2. A horse's head inexplicably appears in one of the occupied tents overnight

“Yes, his name was dobbin. He was my favourite horse, and since he was put down yesterday, I was worried you might never meet him”

3. A 'friendly' vicar offers to protect the tent-dwellers from the rest of the clergy, who are not quite as 'friendly'.

“Listen, you don't want to mess with those guys. You should see what they did to Mrs Miggins when she failed to add anything to the collection plate. If you give me £500 I'll make sure nothing happens to you”.

Conclusion

The Church of England needs to think outside the box on this one. There's more than one way to skin a rabbit.

Friday Thinking Points

With Ron Ford Golightly and Tim Massingberd James

Thank Jesus Christ it's Friday. Some thoughts from the IIPBA to take you into the weekend:

• How much longer can Steve "The Rasputin" Hilton carry on being ever so slightly delusional? Jeremy Heywood is said to favour the old "roll him up into a carpet and throw him into the Moskva" strategy following yet another week in which Hilton bemoaned the "uncreative" and "inefficient" bureaucrats of Whitehall. It's the freaking Civil Service you moron.

• China now owns all of Europe, and we must worship Wen Jiabao
• Wee Douglas Alexander, attack dog, shadow regular airport visitor and all round small man, turned 44 years old this week. Happy birthday Dougie.
• No one but no one is surprised to hear that John Prescott likes food, and can eat a lot of it. You should see him eating a full english. Horrific.
• Nicholas Sarkozy will no longer look David Cameron in the eye when shaking his hand, and would prefer not to shake it at all, complaining it "smells of ham".
• Amongst other things, the media managed to get people really scared for 5 minutes about the world population reaching 7 billion before the years out. The IIPBA is pretty relaxed about the "Malthusian" scaremongerers given the fact that we seem to be coping reasonably well at the moment with 6.9 billion people.
• Nigel Farage is an idiot.
• Europe, Europe, Europe, Europe. Europe. Merkel. War with Germany. And £1.4 trillion squid or something.

Thinking Paper #176 - Is Tony worth £169,076 a year, and what do we get for our money?

Abstract

New figures from the mouth of Francis Maude show that Big Tony claimed loadsa cash since leaving office, just for being awesome. But is he worth it?




Is Tony worth £169,076 a year?

Tony Blair has claimed £273,000 on the taxpayer since Gordon elbowed him out, ostensibly for work including answering letters and attending public events. Until the IIPBA heard the news, released in a Parliamentary Question to a weird looking man called Philip Hollobone, we didn't even know Tony responded to letters. We wonder if he might like a place on the IIPBA advisory board? Action Ron.

But, really, is the £169,076 Tony claimed in 2008-9 such a bad thing, if you consider that without it we might not get to see his tanned face in appearances at memorial services, and occasional nostalgic talking head spots on telly?

It won't be a surprise to regular readers that the IIPBA misses Tony, and we're glad we can give something back to him. He would've been so disappointed when he wasn't made President of Europe, and a maximum of 0.3p per per person per year hopefully goes some way towards telling him how awesome he is. We hope there is also a Mandelson Fund.

Conclusion

Yes, he's definitely worth it. We get his smile, the warm feeling he gives us inside, and the hope that he remembers who we are when he's hanging out with all his new friends. Without the Tony Fund, all we'd have would be standing in Connaught Square indefinitely, peering into cars with tinted windows as they zoom past.

Thinking Paper #175 - Aren't most people five times the drink-drive limit?

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

As news emerges that Amy Winehouse was more than five times the drink-drive limit at the time of her death, the IIPBA asks if this applies to most people, most of the time.

Aren't most people five times the drink-drive limit?

Poor Amy Winehouse was apparently drunk when she killed herself, but as the IIPBA spends most of our days waiting for our next drink, we really wonder why the news acts like this was a surprise.

The more the IIPBA sees of the world, the more it wants to spend most of its time five times over the drink drive limit, and we don't blame poor Amy for having a few drinks as an escape. That time she spent in the Caribbean sounded lovely, but we don't actually remember how long it went on for.

Over at the BBC, the reporters say that St Pancras coroner Suzanne Greenway has said the "unintended consequence" of Winehouse drinking so much alcohol was her "sudden and unexpected death", but we think "unexpected" is pushing it a bit. We all had a fair idea where she was heading, and perhaps she just didn't care.

Conclusion

The IIPBA refuses to come to a conclusion as the result would probably be spectacularly bleak.

Thinking Paper #169 - Rioters 'young and less well off' shock.

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

The BBC trumpets a 'study' this morning which has spent ages gathering statistics to show the summer's rioters where disproportionately 'poorer, younger, less educated'. The IIPBA doesn't know how much these Home Office figures cost to put together, but we'd have done it cheaper, as this was about the most obvious conclusion possible. We have prepared some other studies below, to save public money.

The studies

• Retired white people 'more likely to visit National Trust properties'.

• Cyclists 'more likely to die in cycling accidents'.

• More than four doughnuts a day 'probably not a good idea'.

• People with gardens 'more likely to invite friends to a barbeque'.

• Frequent drinkers 'more likely to die of alcohol-related illness'.

The articles

Repeat this simple format on your news website/ in your paper...

[The headline]

The most comprehensive statistics published so far on [the problem] show that [the obvious conclusion].

The [Government Department] figures, released [recently] show that [statement supporting the obvious conclusion].

Mr [Name of expert], [reputable expert on this subject matter], said “[concise quote summarising the situation]".

The conclusion

It is easier to write news copy that takes little effort

Friday Thinking Points‏

With Ron Ford Golightly and Tim Massingberd James

Once again, the 24 hours news circus has brought us a week of blood, disease, economic apocolypse and psychological trauma. The IIPBA brings you its thoughts:

• In a week that brought us the death of Michael Jackson's lookalike, the IIPBA salutes the power of democracy to kill bad guys in an extrajudicial fashion.

• There's a new Megabus out, with beds! It'll take you from Victoria Coach Station to Glasgow in relative comfort seven nights for a few quid. In the office of Glasgow North MP, Ann McKechin, staff are said to have been working 24/7 on lines to take when this is raised by a local newspaper angry about travel expenses.

• iPads belonging to Grant Shapps or Sir George Young have yet to be seen in the House of Commons. The IIPBA is disappointed in them. Grant and George, if your spads are going to positively brief the Sunday Times, please make an effort to read it. Hot tip: Luciana Berger and Grant weren't spotted in the Victoria station Wetherspoons together sharing a "2 meals for £6 deal". Luciana had chili con carne, Grant had sausage and mash.

• The Tory right is finally back to it's default position: Frothing at the mouth about Europe. Dave and the boys are attempting to use very unsubtle subterfuge to convince them all that the single belief they have held above all else for their entire political lives is not worth fighting for.

• Housing Minister Grant Shapps takes the Big Society a step further with his announcement that people should build their own houses in a "self build revolution". I can't even fix my own washing machine Grant, but I did once put up a shelf successfully. Did you know that Grant's middle name is V? This is true.

• Politics robot Chloe Smith is now Economic Secretary To The Treasury‎, in a move widely thought to be absolutely bloody stupid. The IIPBA despairs that this is the furthest outside the box our Prime Minister could think. At the very least David Laws, surely, but what about one of the other hundred or more MPs in the Parliamentary Party? The IIPBA thought Mike Penning was a shoo in for it, but Dave was said to be concerned about him building a power base at the treasury.

• Lynne Featherstone calls for Steve Hilton to be scrapped in a Whitehall wide drive to wipe out small men. Lynne said that this would cut the risk of creating a British Napoleon and therefore war with France and eventually Russia. On balance, we are in agreement with Lynne.

Thinking Paper #164: Will anyone shop at the new Oddbins?

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

Oddbins has a new owner, but still none of their wines seem to be half price, or less than £4.99. The IIPBA likes a drink, and doesn't everyone, but can the age of austerity be reconciled with buying more expensive wines without - horror of horrors - reducing intake.


Will anyone shop at the new Oddbins?

The IIPBA's thoughts on politicians and drink are well documented, and we were heartened to hear some fine stories about Winston Churchill on the Today Programme this morning. Churchill had a very sensible approach to alcohol, and one legend tells of an advisor to President Roosevelt finding him enjoying a bottle of wine for breakfast in 1943. Churchill justified this by telling him he "had a profound distaste on the one hand for skimmed milk, and no deep-rooted prejudice about wine, and that he had recounciled the conflict in favor of the latter.".

But without the time, money and aristocratic wealth to browse for wines in a wine-specific shop, most of the IIPBA board find ourselves grabbing a couple of bottles of red from the half price shelf at our local supermarket, and drinking them later in the week. We, sadly, don't have the time or money for a leisurely stroll to Oddbins in the village. However, some wine shops are thriving. They're usually the type that hosts free tastings for the wealthy, and get them signed up to buy four cases of ethically-sourced Rioja at the end of the night.

The IIPBA thinks the new owners would do well to go down this route, especially if they can find enough passionate drinkers to staff their stores. We are told that Oddbins and 37 of its stores have been bought for an undisclosed sum by EFB Group, the wine firm owned by multi-millionaire investor Raj Chatha. We hope Raj considers this option, and not the pile-em-high-sell-em-cheap route of the likes of Bargain Booze. We also wouldn't mind if he got some ales in. Thanks Raj.

Conclusion

A new spokesman for Oddbins told the BBC "Yes we want to return to the glory days, the Oddbins brand has a lot of much loved heritage, but we will also be making it relevant to now", which doesn't mean anything.

However, she went on to say "What excites me most as a buyer, is finding gems that we can sell for say six or seven pounds a bottle", which does actually mean something. Wine is going to be six or seven pounds minimum. If lots of it is that price, the IIPBA thinks it'll be ok. If they do one at that price and the others at £40 they'll need some free tasting to get us in the door.

Thinking Paper #161 - If Gus O'Donnell issues a report and no one bothers reading it, does it make a sound?

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

Cabinet Secretary Sir Gus O'Donnell is expected to issue a report into Liam Fox today. It's expected to conclude various things, but Foxy has already stood down. Who cares?


If Gus O'Donnell issues a report and no one bothers reading it, does it make a sound?

The report into Liam Fox and his 'best man' is out today, but he's already resigned, so no one really cares. The political class are a fickle bunch. They like a scalp, they like it soon. Before it happens they cast all sorts of aspersions about the potential scalp's character. After it happens there is a brief period of people saying slightly nice things about the chap (and it's almost always a chap) who has stood down. After that there's nothing.

This example throws the usual formula into disarray. Fox is a canny bugger, and resigned on a Friday afternoon about 5pm, when people only really care about going to the pub, and what they're doing for the weekend. By the time Monday rolled round, people had virtually forgotten who he was, and now it's Tuesday, people stare vacantly at their computer with a confused look on their faces trying to remember if they ever knew anything about this shell of a man. If it wasn't for repeats of Have I Got News For You, there'd be a call for an inquiry into why BBC News is reporting non-news.

Conclusion

Former Defence Secretary Liam Fox broke the ministerial code in his dealings with his friend Adam Werritty, but did not gain financially from the arrangement, Cabinet Secretary Sir Gus O'Donnell's official report is expected to say.

We are told that "The prime minister has seen the report", as if that makes any difference at all.

Thinking Paper # 158: #OccupyLSX - Why so angry?

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

A handful of angry kids have shown up outside St Paul's Cathedral, playing the trumpet and waving placards claiming to represent 99% of humanity. Unlike real politicians, no one elected them and as a percentage of the total population of London alone they represent a infinitesimally small percentage. Nevertheless, they are attention seeking and it is hard for the BBC to ignore them. The IIPBA examines what they might be angry about.

1. Tony Blair is no longer Prime Minister.

Let's be honest, everyone misses Tony a bit. You knew you were ok when Tony was around, and these kids must have been very young when he stood down. It can't have been easy when suddenly Tony was ripped from their lives at such a young age. Bring back Tony and they'll forget all about it.

2. They grew up in a very middle class safe environment and want something to be angry at

Don't we all a little bit? It was supposed to make us all happy being affluent and having everything we ever wanted but actually we still don't feel totally happy. They, and we, need something to be angry about and the bankers are it.

3. They copy literally everything liberal America does

They start wearing skinny jeans, we start wearing skinny jeans. They start riding fixed-wheel bikes, we start riding fixed wheel bikes. They constantly gush about how amazing The Wire is, we constantly gush about how amazing The Wire is. They occupy Wall Street, we occupy the London Stock Exchange. We are the ones who don't have enough intelligence to not copy everything we seen on the Daily Show.

4. There aren't any decent wars at the moment

See point 1. The truth is, Libya was over fairly quickly and we were helping opressed people (albeit to get some lucrative oil contracts). When your troops arent bogged down in a quagmire of foreign dissidents, and aren't sending ten flag-draped coffins a week its harder to rail against war. Besides, if we hated wars at the moment we'd have to hate Obama, and we LURVE him.

5. Something about the bankers.

We're really angry at the stock exchange. The numbers go up and down and we don't quite understand it. I think we hate the FTSE more than the DOW JONES and the CAC quarante, but I'm not sure. Let's have a vote about it where we all wave our hands.

Conclusion

Idiots

Thinking Paper #155 - Considering #jockeygate

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

Jockey Richard Hughes has pledged to give up his riding licence after being told off for whipping a horse. Other jockeys are said to be considering a sympathy strike. The IIPBA asks if anyone cares.

Considering #jockeygate

Someone has said that Jockeys shouldn't whip their horses as much any more. For those not in the know, jockeys are the small fellers who ride everywhere on horseback. Occasionally they get paid to race each other, whilst people in suits jeer and throw money at them. In retirement they usually become leprechauns.

Richard Hughes is their leader. He has a Spaniel called Alan, his favourite type of oil is WD40, his best friend is the 'comedian' Lee Evans, and his favourite Radio 4 Programme is You and Yours. Richard and his chums seem to think they have a god-given right to whip horses loads of times and the horsing people say a little bit of whipping is acceptable, but not loads.

The Jockeying industry is at a standstill, and whilst the IIPBA isn't classist, no one would argue that the upper classes are more likely to go to the horsing. As such, we can only think of one viable solution.

The Solution

Richard Hughes should be allowed to ride a saddled (Lord) Julian Fellowes for twelve furlongs, making liberal use of the whip during the entire length of the ride. If Fellowes makes it to the end of the course alive, whipping will be allowed to continue, and Hughes will be reinstated. If he fails to complete the course, the limit on whip use will remain intact and Hughes will be made to serve his ban. If Fellowes falls, he and Hughes will be put to death and converted into glue.

Conclusion

The IIPBA hasn't been on a staff away day to the races since the heady days of the late 1990s. We didn't even know horses still existed, but we have always prided ourselves on being a bastion of fairness, and this appears to be the only fair solution.

Friday's Thinking Points

With Tim Massingberd James and Ron Ford Golightly

Friday's thinking points:

• It is now acceptable to have your own Special Advisor off the record, off the books and behind the Prime Minister's back. The IIPBA is getting one from Ghana who will live in the stationary cupboard.

• It is now acceptable to eat Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall, as long as he has been is viewed as an act of humanity. The IIPBA fancies a Hugh steak with a glass of Shiraz.

• It is now acceptable to dispose of high security documents in the bins in St James' Park. The IIPBA followed Cheryl Gillan and found nothing but discarded 'battle rhymes'.

• It is now acceptable to stream live video footage of a dead girl's flat in the name of 'public interest'. The IIPBA thought - if pushed - that it looked a bit too Ikea.

• It is now acceptable to make jokes about Paul McCartney's wife again. The IIPBA read one on Popbitch about how Nancy Shevell spends twice as much on shoes.

• It is now unacceptable for Conservative politicians to talk about disbanding the union, after billions of pounds of oil was found on a housing estate in Glasgow. The IIPBA is looking forward to upcoming Rab C Nesbitt episodes.

Thinking Paper #142 – Reshuffle roundup

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

Red Ed's done an reshuffle. Here are the headlines.


Reshuffle roundup

• Eddie “the Eagle” Edwards is to become Shadow Leader of the House

• Chuka Ummuna will become Shadow Business Secretary in what Labour insiders are describing as “An in-joke about how little respect we have for Vince Cable”.

• Mark Wright from The Only Way is Essex (TOWIE) is to be enobled and will become Labour's Shadow Minister for Defence Procurement. He will also lead a review of semi-professional football, adopting the style Baron Tottenham Hotspur.

• John Healey has resigned in order to spend more time “openly talking to his wife about what a bad job Ed is doing”.

• Ivan Lewis is to be demoted for being “an arsehole”.

• That one who defeated Portillo in 1997 is being promoted for being the only Labour MP willing to serve in Ed's Shadow Cabinet who any real person has actually heard of.

• IIPBA favourite Shaun Woowar appears to have been retired. At this point we feel duty-bound to remind everyone Shaun doesn't have a butler, and we should all stop going on about it at every available opportunity.

• Peter Hain hangs on as Shadow Wales Secretary. He is said to have promised Ed he will buy a hoody in what is fast becoming a ground war to look as 'street' as Cheryl Gillan.

• Little-known MP for Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath, James Gordon Brown appears to have been passed over for promotion due to a rumour about rocking horses.

Conclusion

It will make no difference at all, as Ed Miliband will never be Prime Minister.

Friday's Thinking Points

With Ron Ford Golightly and Tim Massingberd James

Friday's Thinking Points

• Excellent news...Sarah Palin has decided not to run for Republican candidate for the 2012 US Presidential elections. The whole world breathes a collective sigh of relief, increasing CO2 levels by 7 billion percent.

• Dave wasted an hour of all our time trying to summon the "Bulldog spirit" in the British public during an intentionally lacklustreTory conference. The conference comes to a close and the IIPBA sums it up in four words: cats, bulldogs [and] hush puppies.

• Our creator, and the leader of all mankind, Steve Jobs has died.

• Following the downgrading of Italy's credit rating, Silvio Berlusconi has consoled himself by arranging an orgy with several close family members, an afternoon of Roman gladiatorial bloodiness and an attempt to annex Ethiopia using mustard gas and tanks

• The FTSE did something but no one reported it, then it bounced back again. The media might want to learn something from this.

• Preston bus station has been placed on a list of the top eight places to catch a bus in Preston.

• George Osborne still says that his economic plan is "credible". The Bank of England begs to differ and goes ahead with printing some more money.

• Merv says that this is the worst economic crash ever, causing the IIPBA to downshift from Twinings to Tescos Finest teabags.

Thinking Paper #141 - Are our politicians more effective when they don't give a shit?

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

Knowing that even if he were reshuffled, he could just sit back with loafers up smoking a fat cigar and having a 'good lunch' every day, Ken “Big Beast” Clarke has been giving Theresa May a kicking in recent days. Isn't it nice to see a politician who really doesn't seem to care?



Ken's Greatest Hits

Mischevous child-like sprite Guido Fawkes said today that Ken Clarke has decided to have another bash at making the Home Secretary look stupid, by accusing Theresa May of using “laughable child-like” examples that were a “parody” of court judgements.

The IIPBA loves it when Ken goes on one of his benders of calling everyone else twats, for two reasons. The first is that he's usually right, and the second is that Ken is, and always has been, very good at his job. When someone is doing a good job, it's hard to sack them for speaking the truth, even if you are the Prime Minister.

Ken's reshuffling has been predicted more times than the IIPBA has had hot skinny-mocha-latte-chinos, with the Mail calling for him to be reshuffled for not wanting to lock up everyone who has ever held a kitchen knife, just about everyone calling for him to be reshuffled for calling rape “a bit of slap and tickle” (we'll admit this one shows Ken's not always perfect) and others calling for him to be sacked for falling asleep during a pretty tedious budget.

The Sun hates him, and has been predicting his demise for about a year, and the IIPBA will openly concede he'll probably be gone in Cameron's first reshuffle, but that is the beauty of Ken's position. If you know you're probably going to be moved aside at some point, and you aren't that bothered, you have the perfect opportunity to accuse Theresa May of being a “lying bag lady” and tell David Cameron that imprisoning people for carrying a potato peeler is bloody stupid.

Conclusion

Keep up the good work Ken. The IIPBA suggests you have some fun with it. Consider calling Grant Shapps a “measly little twat”, insisting that all Cabinet Ministers spend for a full week in a prison, and tormenting Theresa May until she tells teacher.

Thinking Paper #137: Is it good that no one cares about the FTSE any more?

By Tim Massingberd-James

Abstract

The FTSE fell hugely yesterday, ending the day below 5000, and at its lowest since for 15 months, as worries over the euro debt crisis and global growth prompted investors to sell like buggery, but in the real world no one cared and everyone went about their daily business. Is this a good thing?


Is it good that no one care about the FTSE any more?

As the markets fell by 2.5% yesterday, plunging through the 5,000 barrier which is supposedly so important, everyone at the IIPBA offices was aimlessly flicking through stories about Amanda Knox, and watching Boris' speech back on Iplayer.

On the news channels, no one really seemed to report this sort of news which five years ago would have gripped the headlines for weeks. We are now completely anesthetized to stock market crashes, and no longer fear for our homes or lives. But is this a good thing?

On the one hand, not caring about it means we have more time to think about other things, like who would win in a fight out of abolitionist hero William Wilberforce, and inventor of the harmonica Christian Friedrich Ludwig Buschmann, or why elephants don't just stamp on those lads who ride on their backs.

However, on the other hand, this may be the beginning of the end for us not caring about things which will have very little impact on our lives. Without fear, maybe we will start stepping out in front of lorries, and eating abandoned roadkill.

Conclusion

Like Winnie the Pooh once said, the only thing we have to fear is hunny itself.