Abstract
The Pope has resigned, leaving only one man with the qualities needed to replace him. The IIPBA has long thought him the best man for the job, not least because Ron Ford Golightly has had an outside bet on him to take on the Holy See since he converted.
Step forward Pope Tony I.
Why should Tony Blair be the next Pope? We offer some reasons:
- Tony knows how to use religion to raise money. He is already the head of a Faith Foundation which the Telegraph claims has raised millions, £320,000 of which came through a Russian Oligarch. This could give the Catholic Church some new funding streams, and if not, the Mail claims he has friends with other ways of raising cash.
- Tony is used to dealing with condom protests, and has even been known to make use of 'contraceptive equipment', when Cherie remembers to bring it.
- Tony knows how to work the Papal twitter, already tweeting (it's definitely him) as @TonyforPope - "Tough on sin, tough on the causes of sin"
- Tony is a moderniser, which is what the Catholic church needs. He has already made his relaxed views on homosexuality in the Catholic Church clear, paving the way for Cardinal Mandy, who would be a fine Papal Enforcer and would look very pretty in the hat and frock.
- Tony's virility shouldn't be a problem and he would make a fine addition to the list of sexually active Popes.
- Tony would have no need of Papal Infallibility as he is always right about everything, and wouldn't have Gordon to ruin it this time.
- Uncle Sylvio is scheduled for a return and this could lead to some amazing Papal Banquets. We're thinking Noel Gallagher, Prince Andrew, Oleg Deripaska, Saif Gaddafi and some Bunga Bunga.
- Tony knows how to work a room.
- Tony was made for autocracy, and the only real reason he ever fails is voters. We are sorry Tony.
It has to be Tony, though we do have concerns about what the abolition of Vatican Clause 4 might mean for the land and property owned by the church.
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