12 February 2013

Thinking Paper #223 - Is our food industry institutionally racist?

By Jacinta Burrow

Abstract

The IIPBA will not be deterred by a trifling Papal resignation from asking the question which really matters: is our food industry institutionally racist? Oh yes. We went there. And may the National Beef Association have mercy on our immortal souls 

Horse Meat: A response to the neeeiiigggghhhh-sayers

We've been shovelling down excrement and sawdust (sausages) for years, but a little bit of horse gets into a Findus lasagne and suddenly it's an "extensive" criminal conspiracy. How comes?

Our odd-toed ungulate friends are sweeter-tasting than their bovine cousins, and their flesh seems mercifully to be one of the few meats which no one has so far compared to chicken. But it's all Morag The Cow this and the La Vache Qui Rit that. Our obsession with steak has reached fetishistic proportions.

Well, no more. It's time to say "whoa" to this cattle cartel.

Horses deserve an equal place in our food industry. They deserve to be set on fire by irate French farmers at the Calais ferry terminal. They deserve to be rammed down the unsuspecting throat of a Cabinet Minister's four year old daughter on live tele. And they deserve the chance to put consumers into a Persistent Vegetative State as a result of being fed on their own kind.

Horsemeat has done wonders for the French (?).

Recommendations
  • DEFRA to undertake an economic impact study of widening consumption of "beef" products to our Hindu brothers and sisters.
  • David Cameron to signal his support for the Strivers in the 3:20pm at Kempton by making the racing selections on the Today Programme on at least every third Wednesday.
  • The 2013 Grand National to be run entirely by Herefords and those cows with horns and long wavy coats.
  • Princess Anne to be appointed head of a new Commission for Equine Equality with sweeping powers, including excessive use of the whip at the Canal Turn.
  • 14 Equ-ality Commissioners, including Lester Piggott and Neptune Collonges, to address invited audiences on subjects including "Flat Racers and Steeplechasers: Sleepwalking to Segregation?" and "Shergar In Memoriam".
  • The Equ-ality Commission to be wound up after a Telegraph investigation reveals 8 of its members were, in fact, sired from the same mare.

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