Thinking Paper #211: A masterclass on how to be a human by Cameron the Dave‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

Cameron the Dave was interviewed this weekend on the topic of being human. He passed with flying colours. The IIPBA looks at what makes for a perfect "I'm human, honest" political interview.



Step one

Get your advisors to read the synopsis of the top 10 DVD boxsets on Amazon and then ask No10 IT to download the synopsis of the synopses on to your ipad so that you can read it whilst watching your favourite soap (the answer is dependent on your audience - Eastenders is a safe bet). The advisors should also be upto date with the contents of the latest edition of the Radio Times and Heat magazine.

Step two

Provide insight into family life which is self deprecating and humble. e.g. "And then my wife said, no you can't watch another episode of Spooks, you haven't tidied your room you naughty pickle" or something to that effect.

Step three

Pick a suitably middle class sport and say that you like it. Then display said knowledge about a big name within that particular sport. Follow this up by swigging from a can of Guinness and burping the words "I love cricket".

Step four

Try to score some political points by picking someone off the speaky box who has political views that are at odds with your own and saying how much you think that they are a "chuffing moron". But be careful not to pick someone too popular regardless of how annoying they are e.g. Jamie Oliver. For how not to do this, see the gypsy fight on YouTube between Andrew Lansley and aforementioned Mr Oliver.

Step five

Always pay heed to the all pervading religion of focus groups. For example, when asked whether you prefer the Archers or Eastenders, just bear in mind that 90% of the population bloody love Eastenders, so definitely go with that one.

Concluding comments

Did you read the interview? How much freaking TV does our Prime Minister watch? It was like reading the diary of an unemployed person. Regardless of this, you've got to take your hat off to Cameron the Dave. He's certainly better briefed than that other bloke. You remember?

Gordon: "The Arctic Monkeys would wake you up in the morning because of the noise"
Presenter: "You haven't actually got the album"
Gordon: "I have got the album actually. I've heard it and listened to it... I'm also interested in modern groups. COLDPLAY (capitals signal a panic striken yell). The bass guitarist comes from the same town as me. Kirkcaldy. So I like hearing them as well. And I've talked to him sometimes."

Saturday Thinking Points

After another weak of money, Jeremy Clarkson and Iran, the IIPBA gives you its Friday Saturday Thinking Points:

• The Prime Ministers official spokesman, Jeremy Clarkson, spoke for the whole of the Chipping Norton set when he called for public sector strikers to be "shot". The Prime Minister reassured viewers on This Morning that Jeremy didn't mean what he said. The IIPBA believes Clarkson to be an intentionally antagonistic, angry old prick who needs to maintain a fictional persona in order to make a living.

• George Osborne announced this week that he had a bum for a nose. Economic commentators were initially sceptical about the details around the announcement but then the OBR said that he definitely does have a bum for a nose and then everyone, including Stephanie Flanders said, "ok then". The IIPBA has known all of this for years.

• Remember the Big Society, Free schools and the NHS reform? Good job. It's the economy all the way. Economy, economy, economy, economy, economy.

• The Iranians rattle their sabre for war by getting some students to nick a picture of the Queen and John Travolta from the British Embassy in Tehran. The IIPBA is pushing for more really strongly worded statements from William "I'm very angry" Hague.

Thinking Paper #208: The Pre-Budget Report (1997-2009): An Obituary

By Ron Ford

The Autumn statement (nee Pre-Budget Report - bit dry wasn't it?) used to be called the Pre-Budget Report (PBR). In the good old days anyway. People bloody love Autumn and they hate pre-budgets, that's what the focus groups said. Thank you Steve Hilton, your contribution to the running of government continues to be invaluable.



A biography

As a child, the PBR was quiet and studious. Shy around other financial reports, the PBR struggled to make friends and was socially awkward. However, PBR proved to be academically brilliant and went on to study Media Studies at Kings College Cambridge in 1992. After a successful appearance on University Challenge, in which PBR went up against several key IMF reports, a Q4 analysis from OECD and a rather subdued Summer Statement, it was plucked from relative obscurity by a Gordon Brown.

It’s favourite times with Gordon were often drink fuelled. "Rum", he would shout at the opposition benches "was the drink of my father and my father" he continued "was the drink of God". In 1997, following a similar drunken outburst, Gordon was sick on Peter Lilley's shoes. After a period of solitude, Peter Lilley became a florist.

PBR was Mr Top bollocks for 12 years. During this period, PBR was debated by the finest economic speak-pieces this country has ever produced. In 2001, Robert Peston described the PBR as "beyond superlatives" and in 2005, a teenage Boris Johnson labeled it a "Shakespearean felching fest". However, after over a decade at the top, its time had to come to an end. It was banished to the shoe cupboard of history by that pesky young upstart, Gideon "I've got a bum for a nose and a nose for a bum" Osborne. Rupert Harrison of Wingbourne IV and his compatriot, Steve Hilton, asked 7 men from Bristol which season they preferred, Autumn or the Pre-Budget Report. All 7 looked confused, but, fairly convinced that Pre-Budget Report wasn't a season, opted for Autumn.

And there we have it folks. The short and rather tragic life of the Pre-Budget Report. Enjoy the statement at 12.30. The IIPBA will not be watching.

Thinking Paper #207: Franny Maude's "business plans" and "top down targets"?

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

The IIPBA's chief rivals, the Institute for Government, have done some (actual) research into the "business plans" which set out the progress Government departments have made on their top down targets. Franny Maude said that his "business plans" aren't the same as top down performance targets but then went on to explain that the Government has missed 25% of these non-existent targets. The IIPBA responds.



It's all that listening what dun it

An analysis of departmental "business plans" by the Institute for Government reveals that several departments, including DEFRA, Health and the Cabinet Office, failed to achieve almost a quarter of their targets. A DEFRA spokeperson said that these missed targets primarily related to the loss of a single cow on the North York moors in late 2010 and the failure to remove Hilary Benn's name from the letter heads of the departmental stationery supply. The Department for Health had a better excuse. They said that they were too busy undergoing the "Great Pause of 2011" to focus on meeting Maude's targets but added that they had definitely met all of their "listening targets".

The post-bureaucratic age - policy recommendations for Mr Letwin

The IIPBA have stuck with Letwin through thick and bin (get it? Good) and we think that its about time he paid the PBA more heed. Targets, targets, targets - that's all Maude talks about. The IIPBA believes that the root of the problem lay in these "business plans". We therefore suggest:

1. The scrapping of all Francis Maudes, including but not entirely focused on the one who works at 70 Whitehall.

2. The freeing of Civil Servants. Civil Servants by their very nature are libertarians; stifle them with red tape and you stifle progress. Remove the "red tape" paid for with "taxpayers money" and they will thrife. They will literally drown in their own creative juices. You've got to set them free Letwin. Like chickens in a field, the IIPBA is calling for "free range Civil Servants".

We're watching you Maude.

Thinking Paper #205: An analysis of Ed Miliband's achievements

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

Fifteen months into his tenure as leader of the Labour party and Ed Miliband has done something. The IIPBA accepts that he's failed to capture the public imagination, storm ahead in the polls, get anyone to listen to him, impress his own party, accomplish a successful relaunch, sound convincing, look like a leader, announce a policy, make an inspiring speech, answer the big questions, appear attractive to the electorate, garner support in the media, cope with Dave at PMQs or get his brother to stop prank calling him. BUT, he has coined a phrase.


The detail

That's right. Ed has coined a phrase which has gone on to win the Oxford English Dictionary Word of the Year award. On the Today programme a while back he referred to the "squeezed middle" which he then went on to define as "those lot who we need to vote for us at the next election". The Oxford crew then put it in their dictionary and named it as their Word of the Year beating "clunge", "daisychain" and "fuckingbankers" to the title.

Concluding comments

Not bad Ed. Fifteen months in and you've coined a phrase. Congratulations from the IIPBA.

*Update*

Just in, Gordon Brown used the phrase "squeezed middle" in his 2009 Labour conference speech. Sorry Ed.

Thinking Paper #204: Transparency in politics - a new perspective‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

According to urban legend, if you place a goldfish in a dark room, it will turn transparent. The question on the IIPBA's lips is, what does this mean for the future of Gideon "the wallpaper" Osborne's face?

The background

The Treasury building is a dark place. George banned lightbulbs in May 2010 in a cost cutting measure and Danny "God I hate his face" Alexander, taxed the use of windows later the same year. According to sources (thanks Rupert), this has meant that a number of Treasury civil servants have had to evolve a kind of second sight which involves using a pin hole camera and clips of the Sun on YouTube. Gideon is reportedly quite happy reading his briefing by torchlight. For any Daily Mail readers reading, he buys his own batteries.

The science

The IIPBA's frontal visage team have spent the past 18 months studying the faces of Gideon and, for comparison, Dave "the Dutch oven" Cameron. Following a quick chat down the pub, they came up with a couple of conclusions:

1. Gideon is slowly turning transparent from spending too long in the dark shadows of the Treasury. When they came to power, Gideon sported what can only be described as a Bulgarian tint. He followed this up with a brief period of "Swiss snow burn", but has slowly morphed into an "ivory white" stage. If these projections are continued to their natural conclusion, he will be on the spectrum of transparency by this time next year.

2. David Cameron is getting redder. If this trend continues at the same pace, he will reach the "Phil Mitchell stage" by 2014. For perspective, Phil Mitchell of Eastenders fame has to boil his head for 30 minutes a day to achieve this horror stage tone. The IIPBA estimates that Dave might be a one hour a day kind of guy.

Recommendations

1. We suggest that Steve Hilton hold a focus group to see how far the electorate are willing to accept the "Phil Mitchell" look

2. We suggest that Rupert Huffington of Wingbourne hold a focus group to see how far the electorate are willing to accept the "goldfish in a cupboard look".

3. And finally, we suggest that Mike Penning, if he's serious about his plans to be the stalking horse, seek a middle ground that we call the "Cornish glow"

Best of luck Mike

Fridays Thinking Points

Friday's thinking points for your thoughts. Have a nice weekend etc.

• Oliver Letwin has been found "unlawful" this week by his arch-nemesis, the Information Commissioner. The IIPBA stands steadfastly by its leader. Long live the Letwin.

• David Cameron met with Angela Merkel 1,000 times this week in an attempt to reduce "tensions". According to sources, a prolonged session of mutual foot massaging was said to help. This resulted in a joint announcement from the two world leaders stating that the European project was back on track until next week.

• Sepp Blatter staked his claim for the title of "the new Silvio Berlusconi" this week by saying that racism is ok during a football match as long as you shake hands at the end. He followed this up with the always brilliant line, "I'm not racist, some of my best friends are black". Ha. His next statement, due out next week, is said to focus on how donkey punching a child is fine, as long as you buy said child some Haribo.

• Northern Rock is set to become really sexy under new boss Richard Branson. Expect adverts featuring women with geordie accents dressed all sexy in banking outfits. Hot tip - Cheryl Cole doesn't do much these days.

• Francis Maude becomes the latest in a long line of morons to suggest that a paperless government is realistic. Then he says something about ipads and takes a few days off.

Thinking Paper #203: How many SpAds do you need to make a daisychain?‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

SpAd is an acronym. It stands for 'Superious Penisium Aflictum Denique' which is Latin for 'Super Penis Strikes Again'. SpAds were invented in 1898 by Margaret Thatcher's great Aunt who proposed that Ministers needed the help of a 23 year old graduate to run a government department. Traditionally, the SpAd should have prior experience of reading the Metro and be skilled at sending "trumpety" emails.



And what the miggins do they do?

A SpAd's main job is to make sure that the Minister they work for receives positive news stories about what shoes they wear. When they fail at this task they tend to get really angry and shout at bureaucrats who are scared of them because they don't use words like "kind regards" at the end of emails. Historically, SpAds have been responsible for David Cameron's hairstyle, Gordon Brown's smile and Tony Blair's wars.

How many SpAds make a daisychain?

In short, the answer it seems, is quite a lot. To clarify, a daisychain is an online phenomenon in which multiple participants displeasure each other in a circular formulation. Preferably the group should consist of a nice mix of Tory and Lib Dem spads.

According to "sources" (is this you Rupert Harrison IV of Wingbourne?) David Cameron summoned all Tory special advisers to Downing Street for a good old fashioned bollocking this week. He was said to be miffed because too much of the coalition's inner workings were being briefed out to journalists, specifically stories about Mr Rasputin himself, Steve Hilton and that beloved rogue, Gideon "the wallpaper" Osborne.

Policy recommendations

The IIPBA likes SpAds because they are a positive stalwart against bureaucracy. However, it is apparent to this think-tank that they may also have quite a negative impact on politics, mainly because their very presence reduces politics to a game of briefing and counter-briefing. Despite its entertainment value, this detracts from the real issues that affect real hard working people e.g. the state of Steve Hiltons shoe collection.

Overall, the IIPBA doesn't mind SpAds: they're good to drink with, have interesting gossip about those silly Ministers and are sometimes quite attractive. The real shame lies in the fact that most of these pretty young things will themselves go on to be the politicians they themselves have helped create.

Thinking Paper #201: The real Uros zone‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

According to reports, the euro plummeted again on Tuesday as some greasy little bond trader in Mayfair betted against Italy and Spain ever being prosperous again. Apparently bonds then climbed to unsustainable levels, investors caught euro zone contagion and a dog died in France. If, like the IIPBA, you are a little tired of listening to this kind of nonsense, we have some good news.


What?

I say good news, it's more an excuse to tell you about a slightly more harmonious and human sounding Uros zone.

The Uros zone is an area of floating villages on Lake Titicaca populated by Andean villagers. There are no bureaucrats, coffee shops, Daily Mail readers, Silvio Berlusconis or Nick Cleggs.

Concluding comments

That's all really. In an ideal world, the IIPBA would love to relocate its headquarters to the Uros zone, go fishing everyday and fleece young backpacker sorts from Australia in exchange for them taking a picture of our floating house.

Thinking Paper #200: Sir Bob Kerslake - we salute you‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

Inside Housing beat us to it, but allow the IIPBA to introduce to you the new Sir Gus O'Donnell and head of the Civil Service, the one and only Sir Bob Kerslake. Who is he? Will it make a difference to Mrs Miggin's weekly shopping bill? etc

The answers

Sir Bob Kerslake is a man with a beard who has worked in housing and local government for over 100 years. His existing role is permanent secretary at the department for communities and local government where his main role is to tell Eric Pickles how beautiful he is. On 1st January 2012 he will move into the Cabinet Office where his job will be, amongst other things, to tell Jeremy Heywood off for acting beyond his remit. Word of warning Sir Bob, Jezza Heywood is a bit of a one. You should keep your eye on him.

Sir Bob will have his salary increased by £30,000 to £200,000-a-year to take on the new role. He is said to want to spend his new improved wage on lottery tickets, a new beard trimmer and taking his wife out to fancier restaurants.

Sir Bob will take up his new post on 1st January 2012. He reportedly said in response to the news: "I am delighted and honoured to be given this leadership role at such an important time for the Civil Service. But for crying out loud, who has a start date on 1st January? It's most unfair that I have to start a new job on a hangover".

Concluding comments

He's got a tough job ahead of him, not least because, as the IIPBA reported just the other month, this is the age of Jezza Heywood. He won't give up his era without a fight Sir Bob. Expect the hacks to have some fun with this relationship

Thinking Paper #194: The IIPBA's not so miserable index‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

According to the UK's misery index, we haven't been this miserable for 19 years. Back then Tony Blair was a mere intern at the Illuminati headquarters and David Cameron was a twinkle in the King's eye.

The index of misery and hell and other such awful things including immigrants and those pesky Greeks

This index is measured by multiplying unemployment levels with inflation (cheery). Apparently we are therefore 13.3% miserable. Add to that list David Cameron's growing bald patch, Steve Hilton's tantrums, Cheryl Gillan’s choice of clothing, those pesky rioters, George Osborne's voice and the ruddy Greeks and the IIPBA is close to emotional breakdown.

The IIPBA's not so miserable index

The IIPBA's not so miserable index is calculated by multiplying how many hours people spend talking about the BBC's new documentary, The Frozen Planet, with units of alcohol consumed over the weekend. Going on our latest measure carried out today, the British population is 87.9% not so miserable. Good for you Britain.

Looking to the future, if we multiply this week’s episode of Frozen Planet by opportunities to consume alcohol next weekend and divide this by the upcoming X-Factor final, you've got quite a rosy future.

Concluding comments

Fuck you misery index - this think-tank's not for turning.

Thinking Paper #193: Eric Pickles watch‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

Eric "the pickler" Pickles of Pickering said something today. He said that more civil servants should work from home in order to save the taxpayer £300 trillion quid. Old Franny Maude welcomed the idea and shouted "taxpayers money" at the top of his voice. His sudden burst of energy startled a flock of pigeons who had nested in his hair, but he consoled himself with a nice cup of tea and a spot of cricket on the TV.

What the bloody hell is going on?

As Roger pointed out a long, long time ago, Eric Pickles is quite a fascinating man, primarily because his features form such a tiny part of his overall face. Anyway, he said that civil servants should be able to forward on emails from home instead of from expensive central government offices because this will stop them getting depressed and make them 100% happier.

What is working from home?

It's when you get to sleep in past 9am, have a nice leisurely breakfast over morning television, catch up with Philip Schofield's latest haircut and drink wine in the afternoon. It is usually sensible to send an email in the morning to let people back at the office know that you are awake, one at lunchtime to remind them that you are still there and then one at about 7pm so it looks like you're working infinitely longer hours than you actually are. It's dead easy, and Pickles thinks that it will improve productivity by 15% (whatever that means).

The IIPBA says hurrah for Pickles. We don't care what he says, we just like to see him on the old speaking box.

Friday Thinking Points

With Ron Ford Golightly, Tim Massingberd James and Jacinta Burrow

• Uh-oh, Ed Llewellyn's planning his next war. "Sources" (is that you Ed?) have said that "if Obama wants to bomb Iran to improve electoral ratings , then so do we". He followed this up by chanting "war" over and over again until he became so excited that he passed out on the floor.

• One upside to the financial crisis: Silvio Berlusconi's latest album of love songs has been delayed.

• Labour's advisers seek to gain new ground by getting all of their MPs to call the government "complacent". Meanwhile, the IIPBA is still struggling to understand how Ed Miliband is Her Majesty's official opposition.

• George Osborne continues to "undershoot" in most areas of his life. Poor George. On the other end of the spectrum, Hugh "the bastard" Grant is extremely fertile. Exactly what the world needs, another Hugh Grant.

• The Greek PM is having a "will-they-wont-they" flirtation with unemployment. A source close to the PM said "of course" sitting around watching daytime telly in your pants is preferable to doing a Eurozone crisis, but he was worried he might miss Angela Merkel's stern face.

• Six lads have been in a metal tube for a year and a half, in the largest pretending-to-be-an-astronaut-experiment ever. When pressed, Putin's spokesman said that the experiment had been a failure because they "didn't even bum".

Thinking Paper # 189: Should map makers be allowed to stare at tits using taxpayers money?

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

"Broken Britain" is finally here (remember that?). Even the good people of the map making world, Ordnance Survey, have been caught out staring at boobs. Naughty map makers.


Ha

Ordnance Survey officials have always been a sexy bunch. Remember the great daisy chain fiasco of 08? Now, according to credit card statements, OS staff spent £4.99 whilst dining at a "raunchy" Hooter restaurant in the US. A spokesman for Ordnance Survey insisted that its staff attended the restaurants only because they employed such lovely waitresses. He added, "map making isn't easy you know."

Local government minister Grant Shapps said something rather annoying that missed the point and Francis Maude turned round for a moment from watching the cricket on his television in his office and said that tighter controls on use of the cards had cut spending on them. Woo-hoo. You go Franny.

Concluding comments

The IIPBA bloody loves maps, particularly OS maps. We think that the taxpayer can stretch to ensuring that the good men and women of OS get to eat when working out of town. If they get to stare at tits in the process, it really doesn't matter.

Thinking Paper #188: An open letter to Seb Coe‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Dear Seb Coe,

We would like to start by saying that the IIPBA highly commends a number of your achievements to date: becoming an Olympic champion; teaching William Hague “judo”; and bringing the Olympics to London in 2012.

But, to cut to the chase, when you said that the Olympics would be for the ordinary Londonder, what exactly did you mean? Now, the IIPBA patiently went along with the patently flawed ballot system for tickets, and duly moaned over its tea break with colleagues and co-workers when all it managed to secure were two £20 tickets to see the 2nd round of the women’s Greco wrestling.

More recently however, now that this public “anger” has subsided, the IIPBA can’t help but notice the number of adverts springing up across the capital attempting to get us excited about winning Olympic tickets through corporate competitions from people like EDF, Virgin and PetsRus.

That’s right, the tickets designated for “Londoners” are now being sold back to us via competitions parading as altruistic corporate gestures. Competitions which require “Londoners” to sign up to being ripped off by a French utility company before even being within a whiskers chance of getting to watch Rebecca Adlington’s shoulders carve through chlorine.

You've betrayed us Seb

All the best,

The IIPBA

P.s. we still have vacancies on our board of trustees if you are interested.

Thinking Paper #187 - Breaking news: Counterfeiters thank Metro for supporting trade‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

The Bank of England has introduced a new-style £50 banknote into circulation for the first time in 17 years. Well done Merv. The note will feature the renowned 18th century business partnership of entrepreneur Matthew Boulton and engineer James Watt (what?) in an attempt to encourage those lazy British lot to start designing toilets with self lowering toilet seats and such like.



What does this mean for Mrs Miggins?

Well, a range of new and enhanced security features have been incorporated into the design of the Boulton and Watt £50 banknote so that old Miggins can't go around fraudulently printing fakes and giving them to her mates. Naughty Miggins, get in your box.

There is a but...

Full details of these new security features have been revealed by our beloved British media over the course of the day.

One counterfeiter told the IIPBA "I usually hate reading the Metro but I did today and I was really pleased to see that its article about the new £50 note set out all of the new security features and flaws for me to get around - thank you Mr Metro".

The counterfeiter wished to remain anonymous, but added "I'm gonna get well mashed up tonight. Mrs Counterfeiter's going to get a right slap up meal down the local curry house that's for sure".

Thinking Paper #177: Royal does as Royal says as Royal does‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

What? Correct. Prince David Cameron III of Heffinborough has made a statement about Royal succession: (a) because it's Friday (b) because he had some time to kill on his way to Australia to see Jody Foster and (c) because he wants to talk about anything other than Europe.


David "the Ham" Cam has "struck" a "deal" "today" to "abolish" a 300 year old ruling that means the eldest daughter of the Duke and Duchess of Airlines could not be crowned Queen if she or he or it had a younger brother, sister, cousin, something, limited gene pool etc.

Concluding comments

Someone once fought for a piece of land and some riches and won. They were called a King. Some time later descendents of this person still own the land and money and the houses and the gravel filled driveways, but they don't want to fight over the land now because it's in their name. Or something. And then they'll do some charity work and everything will be ok.

We think that we support this move.

Friday Thinking Points

With Ron Ford Golightly and Tim Massingberd James

Thank Jesus Christ it's Friday. Some thoughts from the IIPBA to take you into the weekend:

• How much longer can Steve "The Rasputin" Hilton carry on being ever so slightly delusional? Jeremy Heywood is said to favour the old "roll him up into a carpet and throw him into the Moskva" strategy following yet another week in which Hilton bemoaned the "uncreative" and "inefficient" bureaucrats of Whitehall. It's the freaking Civil Service you moron.

• China now owns all of Europe, and we must worship Wen Jiabao
• Wee Douglas Alexander, attack dog, shadow regular airport visitor and all round small man, turned 44 years old this week. Happy birthday Dougie.
• No one but no one is surprised to hear that John Prescott likes food, and can eat a lot of it. You should see him eating a full english. Horrific.
• Nicholas Sarkozy will no longer look David Cameron in the eye when shaking his hand, and would prefer not to shake it at all, complaining it "smells of ham".
• Amongst other things, the media managed to get people really scared for 5 minutes about the world population reaching 7 billion before the years out. The IIPBA is pretty relaxed about the "Malthusian" scaremongerers given the fact that we seem to be coping reasonably well at the moment with 6.9 billion people.
• Nigel Farage is an idiot.
• Europe, Europe, Europe, Europe. Europe. Merkel. War with Germany. And £1.4 trillion squid or something.

Thinking Paper #172: Support the Chinese‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

The EU-China Business Summit assembles today in one of those super-duper-mega cities on the eastern seaboard of China. Industrial leaders, politicians, bee keepers and professional bullshitters will be attending, oh and Wen Jiabao, China’s prime minister. Top of their agenda is how China is going to manage to continue to sell us loads of "old bollocks" when everyone's bank accounts are up the "shitter".



The IIPBA urges you to support the Chinese‏

China is said to be really concerned that people like Tina from Salford have cut down on the amount of crap that she buys from Primark. Premier Wen or someone is reported to have told his hairdresser that "if those poor people in the northern towns of England stop buying tat made in our sweatshops, then we're going to have to find some other poor sod to buy all this crap". One factory owner in northern Xinjhgung said "I'm not sure why we make trillions of small plastic trees that smell of alpine air, but you guys seem to lap it up and it keeps me in won-tons".

The summit will also discuss what Steve Hilton is wearing on his feet this season; what the most pointless toy of Christmas 2011 is going to be; and how they can get Tina spending money again on things that she doesn't need or really want.

Good luck China - the world's counting on you.

Thinking Paper #171: EU, EU, EU ... come on and ref-er-en-dum ... EU, EU, EU, come on and join the fun‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

Aside from the news that X Factor's Frankie Cocozza threatened to give Louis Walsh a "cherry-bakewell" on national television, everyone, and sadly this is everyone, is STILL talking about this sodding EU referendum. The IIPBA is tired.


Summary

David Cameron is apparently facing his "biggest" backbench rebellion since the time that he tried to introduce "ethnic" foods at the CCHQ canteen. Yawn. William Hague has said something about this being the "wrong question, at the wrong time, in the wrong place, on the wrong continent, with the wrong haircut, in the wrong hotel room, with the wrong special advisor, with the wrong wife etc" . And Ed Miliband said, whilst visiting a paper factory in Burnley, "Look, I KNOW I've got a silly voice, and my face is a little squiffy, but for God sake will someone please listen to me". Elsewhere, Rebels keep beating the drum (a) in the knowledge that it looks really good in front of their silly constituents and (b) in the knowledge that it is safe to do so because they will never win anyway.

The most important bits

1. The vote on whether to have a referendum will not be legally binding.
2. No one cares. Even if we were to have a referendum, turn out would be no higher than 3%.
3. Politicians keep saying "three way" on national television. Ha.

The consequences

The Tory party will tear itself apart as it did in the 1990's, David Cameron will get balder, Eurosceptics will get angrier and more hateful of life.