6 December 2011

Thinking Paper #211: A masterclass on how to be a human by Cameron the Dave‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

Cameron the Dave was interviewed this weekend on the topic of being human. He passed with flying colours. The IIPBA looks at what makes for a perfect "I'm human, honest" political interview.



Step one

Get your advisors to read the synopsis of the top 10 DVD boxsets on Amazon and then ask No10 IT to download the synopsis of the synopses on to your ipad so that you can read it whilst watching your favourite soap (the answer is dependent on your audience - Eastenders is a safe bet). The advisors should also be upto date with the contents of the latest edition of the Radio Times and Heat magazine.

Step two

Provide insight into family life which is self deprecating and humble. e.g. "And then my wife said, no you can't watch another episode of Spooks, you haven't tidied your room you naughty pickle" or something to that effect.

Step three

Pick a suitably middle class sport and say that you like it. Then display said knowledge about a big name within that particular sport. Follow this up by swigging from a can of Guinness and burping the words "I love cricket".

Step four

Try to score some political points by picking someone off the speaky box who has political views that are at odds with your own and saying how much you think that they are a "chuffing moron". But be careful not to pick someone too popular regardless of how annoying they are e.g. Jamie Oliver. For how not to do this, see the gypsy fight on YouTube between Andrew Lansley and aforementioned Mr Oliver.

Step five

Always pay heed to the all pervading religion of focus groups. For example, when asked whether you prefer the Archers or Eastenders, just bear in mind that 90% of the population bloody love Eastenders, so definitely go with that one.

Concluding comments

Did you read the interview? How much freaking TV does our Prime Minister watch? It was like reading the diary of an unemployed person. Regardless of this, you've got to take your hat off to Cameron the Dave. He's certainly better briefed than that other bloke. You remember?

Gordon: "The Arctic Monkeys would wake you up in the morning because of the noise"
Presenter: "You haven't actually got the album"
Gordon: "I have got the album actually. I've heard it and listened to it... I'm also interested in modern groups. COLDPLAY (capitals signal a panic striken yell). The bass guitarist comes from the same town as me. Kirkcaldy. So I like hearing them as well. And I've talked to him sometimes."

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