Thinking Paper # 185: Chloe Smith, Chloe Smith (aa-haaa)

By Roniford Golightly on the way

 

Chloe Smith MP done her first stint as Economic Secretary in the House yesterday and said things like "the bank of England is those wot set the interest rates".  She did really well - congratulations Chloe.

What else did she say?

 

"I bloody love plan A"

 

and...

 

"When I was a lass, I used to be able to buy a can of coke for a thrupny bit"

 

What the media had to say

 

That she's a 29 year old "Ice Maiden" with as much economic experience as a stray dog with three legs and a skin infection (woof).  Two things:

 

(1) she's got shit loads of well good economists working for her (hasn't she?  that's what the Treasury do don't they?).  If I had thousands of economists telling me what to say I reckon I could learn some lines and repeat them in front of people.  In fact I reckon I'd be well good at it.

 

(2) George Osborne did a freaking History degree and he's the chuffing Chancellor.  George - the IIPBA thinks that you are doing a really good job under difficult circumstances.  It's not easy being you and we are well aware of this. 

 

Concluding comments

 

Macaulay Culkin was only 10 when he did Home Alone and that film was brilliant. 

 

 

 

Thinking Paper #184: Dale’s superhardship sweep‏

By Roger Daring

The IIPBA generally quite likes Dales, Dale Winton is notable as someone that we consider a ‘high achiever’ and we often invite him to chair our internal policy review sessions. The Yorkshire Dales are pretty alright too, Tim went to the National Park there once.

However, more importantly, the events at Dale farm seem to be simmering down. Here is our roundup;

• The police decided to sweep all rules about the use of tazors under the proverbial rug because they didn’t suit them; instead choosing to tazor people willy-nilly as part of their ‘community engagement’ strategy. The IIPBA asked Tim Godwin, acting Police Commissioner, about this issue and he tried to hide from us by covering his eyes with his hands.
• We believe that the amount of rubbish the police are going to create whilst bulldozing helpless peoples homes further justifies Eric Pickles’ rubbish, rubbish policy. We commend the Pickler and his hearty pelican gullet.
• The media used a picture of someone holding a cross in front of a fire to lead articles on the issue. The IIPBA believes that this may be in order to sell newspapers and had no relevance whatsoever to the proceedings. Questions have been raised as to whether the cross-bearer exists at all, or whether she was drawn by Steve Hilton.
• Whilst Pickles spending £250m on rubbish is clearly a very, very good idea, we think that spending £18m on kicking people further into poverty is slightly questionable.

Conclusions

If a tree fell on Ed Miliband in the woods, would his childlike whelp be his most notable criticism of Government policy?

If anyone else says “well, planning law has to be respected” the IIPBA will spontaneously combust and kill everyone and everything.

Thinking Paper #183: Should the clergy be more creative in their solutions to the tents outside St Paul's Cathedral?

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

The Church of England hierarchy is threatening to get pretty flipping angry about the tents outside St Paul's Cathedral. If something isn't done about it soon, they're bloody well going to be bloody annoyed about it. Okay?

Should the clergy be more creative in their solutions to the tents outside St Paul's Cathedral?

Listening to Church of England vicars sounding annoyed about the tents outside St Paul's Cathedral is an almost constant source of amusement to the IIPBA. We like it when the Today Programme runs a feature on it. We like it when we see them on telly. We like it when we wander past on the way back from an evening drink in Smithfields. Turns out the clergy just aren't that good at being angry at stuff.

We've come up with some options, for how the Church of England could achieve quicker results:

1. Some vicars go round for a game of cricket and one of them gets 'clumsy'

“Oops, I'm terribly sorry, but we play cricket here every Tuesday in the offseason. Are your head and kneecaps ok?”

2. A horse's head inexplicably appears in one of the occupied tents overnight

“Yes, his name was dobbin. He was my favourite horse, and since he was put down yesterday, I was worried you might never meet him”

3. A 'friendly' vicar offers to protect the tent-dwellers from the rest of the clergy, who are not quite as 'friendly'.

“Listen, you don't want to mess with those guys. You should see what they did to Mrs Miggins when she failed to add anything to the collection plate. If you give me £500 I'll make sure nothing happens to you”.

Conclusion

The Church of England needs to think outside the box on this one. There's more than one way to skin a rabbit.

Thinking Paper #182 - An Open Letter to Rod Liddle

By Jacinta Burrow

Dear Mr Liddle,

We at the Institute for Ideas in a Post-Bureaucratic Age (IIPBA) proper loved your article entitled “Some suggestions about how the BBC management can save money” (The Spectator, 15 October 2011). As you no doubt know already, we dedicate our sober hours and second-rate intellects to the pursuit of the post-bureaucratic age and in your article we recognised a kindred spirit.


We hope you might like the IIPBA and we particularly commend your suggestion that “all BBC bureaucrats [be] forced by law to share the same surname”. You will be delighted to learn that the IIPBA employs no decision support analysts whatsoever and no operating officers, junior or senior. The IIPBA has never used Data-Driven DSS, Excel, OLAP, or Model-Driven DSS.

As per your first suggestion for further BBC cost-savings, we can all define our jobs with ease. These definitions commonly include “points out that Cheryl Gillan is inappropriately attired for Prime Minister’s Questions” and “has impulsively penned David Cameron’s political obituary”. As for suggestions two to five, the IIPBA has never made an expensive trail for any of our thinking papers and none of them has ever been introduced by a continuity announcer. We do employ an in-house illustrator but, as he is a child, Miguel saves us considerable sums in pay and benefits.

As such, we would like to invite you to become one of our Trustees. The role involves no pay, no work and very little recognition. We can promise you our eternal gratitude and the occasional invitation to a Westminster hostelry. This is also your chance to get one over on your Speccie colleague, Toby Young, who has steadfastly ignored our advances.

I should be delighted to respond to any questions and do make sure that http://theiipba.blogspot.com/ is in your Favourites.

Yours sincerely,

Jacinta Burrow

On behalf of the IIPBA Directors

Thinking Paper #181 – Sarky Softpocket

By Roger Daring

Abstract

The IIPBA generally regards Sarkozy as a bit of a softpocket. Until recently, that is. Recently Sarko got some balls. In a streak of magnificent fabulousness, Sarkozy has come out and called David Cameron ‘Un grand Nobjock’.

Sarky Softpocket

Tensions had become increasingly strained as the Euro Crisis looked more and more like a big, tasty crisis and less and less like a small guff that had floated out of Merkel’s undergarments.

The IIPBA was fortunate enough to see this leaked Sarkozy statement in full

“I am ‘ere today, to say ‘dis.

“Davide Camerohn, is a little poof, he is a little danceeng nobjock who knows nu’thing abouwt politiques or economiques. I guff in his chubby little nose, I shit on the belly of his mother, I stick my fin’gere in his podgy little ass‘hol!”

(This is exactly what he said, and no stereotypical tweaks have been added).

Although some may be shocked to hear such a statement from a French Prime Minister, the IIPBA is not in the least bit surprised. In fact, we led the drafting of this diplomatic masterpiece upon the request of the French Embassy.

Conclusion

Nicholas Softpocket Sarkozy – nous salute tu

Thinking Paper # 180: #timeforplanB

For crying out loud, this think-tank intern is getting really tired of talk of plan B.  What on earth do you think Nick Clegg re-announced today and originally announced a couple of months ago?  An FDR style new deal, a Gordon Brown style plan to Build Britain's Future, whatever you want to call it, Cameron and Cleggs "chuck loads of money at developing infrastructure" is the same in all but name.  The IIPBA gets frustrated.

The Gordon Brown tribute band

For all of his negative traits, Gordon Brown was well good at chucking hundreds of billions of "taxpayers" money (cue angry mutterings) at national projects to get the economy moving and to create jobs.  Nick Clegg and David Cameron both called him a "silly old sausage" but have then just gone and re-announced similar pledges from the Brown era - namely kickstarting infrastrucutre projects to get the economy moving.

Concluding comments

David Cameron is said to be "straining every sinew" to create growth and jobs.  An image of him on the toilet comes to mind. But no, it's £1bn on 100 projects.  Why 100?   I hear you sister Jacinta.

Thinking Paper # 179: Prince Charles shock scandal scandal shock

Prince Charles, the Secretary of State for landowners, has allegedly been given the right to veto legislation that might have an impact on his private interests, namely relating to his ownership of Cornwall.  Some people are calling it a "nuclear button" (?), others are angry.  The IIPBA investigates.

Who is Charlie Boy?

He is the Duke of Cornwall, Duke of Rothesay, Earl of Chester, Earl of Carrick, Baron Renfrew, Lord of the Isles, Prince and Great Steward of Scotland.

He is probably most famous for calling Nicholas Witchell an "awful man". 

The IIPBA's POV

I wish that I was directly consulted on legislation impacting on my private interests.  I'd probably try and get the local council to fix my hallway light.  I might also get them to trim the tree in the back garden, it's a willow tree you see and the roots are quite pervasive. That is all.

Concluding comments

Charlie's people are saying that he needs this level of involvement because he might one day be King. Ha. Prince William and Kate are far prettier and likeable.