28 July 2011

Thinking Paper # 37: Ed Miliband's nose

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

Today, we answer two questions that people are asking about Ed Miliband:

1. Did Ed Miliband have a nose job because (a) his wife couldn't sleep through his snoring (b) he has a silly voice (c) his advisors think that it will win Labour the next election or (d) he likes the fact that he can eat baby food for 3 weeks after the operation?

2. What will he sound like after the operation?



The Answers

1. A combination of all of the above, but specifically, and we had a good laugh about this, because they think that it will win Labour the next general election. Greg Beales, Miliband's chief of staff, is reported to have told the press that "you will not recognise the new Ed. He will combine the confidence of Kennedy, the pure animal lust of Selleck and the octave range of Tom Jones."


2. One senior backbencher said that he hopes that he will emerge sounding like Barry White, and Greg Beales seems to be making things up so we asked a carefully selected cross section of the British population how they hoped he would sound after the operation. The results are as follows:
  • 23% said that they thought that David Miliband sounded just fine and that they thought he had a lovely voice.
  • 17% said that they thought he should "go the whole hog" and "get a face transplant".
  • A unanimous 60% said that they want him to sound like Tony Blair because they really liked him and can't remember why they got rid of him in the first place.

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