13 July 2011

Thinking Paper # 27: Danny Alexander: Fact and Fiction


The third part of the fact and fiction series features the most annoying man in Westminster, not Ed Balls, but our beloved Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander. Our market research found that the general public couldn't quite say why Danny Alexander was so annoying but that he most definitely was. Anyway, the following bollocks was made up, but is hopefully plausible enough to be true.

  • He was so upset that Rory Stewart got to go to this years Bilderberg conference that he ate a family sized boneless bucket from KFC in one sitting. Treasury officials who found him slumped at his desk afterwards said that his office smelt of "shame and sweat".
  • He once made Adam Boulton of Sky News retch after farting during an interview. NB: Adam Boulton has quite a strong constitution.
  • When you Google "Danny Alexander", the second result on the options drop down list is "Danny Alexander fart"
  • He goes to the same hairdressers as Ed Balls.
  • As head boy at Lochaber High School in Fort William, he was tasked with guarding a poo in the corridor following an incident with a very troubled young child. The teacher we spoke to said that Danny did a really good job of preventing the other students from walking in it.
  • Despite being famous for farting on national television, he should be more famous for making 40,000 people unemployed in Aberdeen following a very lucrative, but socially destructive decision regarding North Sea oil.
  • His favourite Eastenders character is Alfie, played by Shane Richie. He has tattoo of him on his back.

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