Thinking Paper # 219: Government by Product Placement

By Jacinta Burrow

Abstract

Last year, Nick Clegg told The Sun that he wanted to help “Alarm Clock Britain”. Now he’s calling for a “John Lewis economy”. The IIPBA can’t help but notice that John Lewis sells alarm clocks. What is going on? We investigate.

Shops and economies: are they the same?

We at the IIPBA love a bit of Brett Easton-Ellis, but if policy announcements are going to start resembling wry sideways looks at the zeitgeist where will it all end? Is George Osborne going to start telling us where he bought his red box and whether or not it’s available in other colours?

The IIPBA has charted Call-Me-Dave’s devotion to canned Guinness, Eric Pickles’ Greggs habit and Cheryl Gillan’s weakness for velour leisurewear. But now the Clegg-ulator has taken that nod-nod-wink-wink approach and slapped it all over his autocue. What does a “John Lewis economy” even mean? He wants us to run our finances based on a high street shop instead of, you know, like a national economy. But apparently he can do you a lovely deal on a couple of touch screen radio controlled alarm clocks.

Conclusion

The IIPBA thanks its lucky stars that Nick Clegg doesn’t shop much in Primark. We’ll never get out of this recession with queues for the changing rooms like that.

Thinking Paper #192 - Ruth Who?

By Jacinta Burrow

Abstract

Attention, election fans! The Scottish Conservative Party has elected a new leader... No, no, wait! Really, do read on. What else are you going to do for the next 2 minutes? Forward an email to a colleague in the name of “work”?


Scotland Done an Election

The new leader of the Tories north of the border (I know. I didn’t think there were any either) is Ruth Davidson. She is 32, a Glaswegian, openly gay and enjoys kickboxing. The IIPBA would like to congratulate the Conservatives: political candidacy is apparently the one area in which they are unequivocally in favour of genetic engineering (is that you, Steve?)

Davidson’s qualifications are that she used to work for the BBC and once queued behind Sir Malcolm Rifkind at an Edinburgh cashpoint. She is already showing off her political acumen by dissing the Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland – otherwise known as the leader of the bit of the Conservative Party that actually wins stuff – as “not my boss”. She’s also had a pop at Ken Clarke (leave it, Tim! She’s not worth it) and the Chancellor.

Babe Ruth defeated Murdo Fraser who admitted in his campaign that the Conservatives have as much chance of winning in Scotland as Miguel has of being nominated for the Turner Prize and wanted to re-brand them as Fans of the City of London (“Unionists”). He lost to Ruthie by just 566 votes. But it’s fine. The IIPBA cannot remember a time when a major British political party was destabilised by wrangling between two senior figures about who should have been leader.

Anyhoo, Davidson is promising radical, “painful” reform (ooo er, Missus) and wants to turn the Scottish Tories into a “fighting force”. She also wants the party to “realise its own potential”, acknowledges that “change is not always easy” but says the party is “willing to step up to the plate”. She plans to speak entirely in cliché until at least the end of Hogmanay.

Conclusion

Does anyone else think Ruth looks like Chloe Smith? Coincidence?

Friday Thinking Points

With Ron Ford Golightly, Tim Massingberd James and Jacinta Burrow

• Uh-oh, Ed Llewellyn's planning his next war. "Sources" (is that you Ed?) have said that "if Obama wants to bomb Iran to improve electoral ratings , then so do we". He followed this up by chanting "war" over and over again until he became so excited that he passed out on the floor.

• One upside to the financial crisis: Silvio Berlusconi's latest album of love songs has been delayed.

• Labour's advisers seek to gain new ground by getting all of their MPs to call the government "complacent". Meanwhile, the IIPBA is still struggling to understand how Ed Miliband is Her Majesty's official opposition.

• George Osborne continues to "undershoot" in most areas of his life. Poor George. On the other end of the spectrum, Hugh "the bastard" Grant is extremely fertile. Exactly what the world needs, another Hugh Grant.

• The Greek PM is having a "will-they-wont-they" flirtation with unemployment. A source close to the PM said "of course" sitting around watching daytime telly in your pants is preferable to doing a Eurozone crisis, but he was worried he might miss Angela Merkel's stern face.

• Six lads have been in a metal tube for a year and a half, in the largest pretending-to-be-an-astronaut-experiment ever. When pressed, Putin's spokesman said that the experiment had been a failure because they "didn't even bum".

Thinking Paper #182 - An Open Letter to Rod Liddle

By Jacinta Burrow

Dear Mr Liddle,

We at the Institute for Ideas in a Post-Bureaucratic Age (IIPBA) proper loved your article entitled “Some suggestions about how the BBC management can save money” (The Spectator, 15 October 2011). As you no doubt know already, we dedicate our sober hours and second-rate intellects to the pursuit of the post-bureaucratic age and in your article we recognised a kindred spirit.


We hope you might like the IIPBA and we particularly commend your suggestion that “all BBC bureaucrats [be] forced by law to share the same surname”. You will be delighted to learn that the IIPBA employs no decision support analysts whatsoever and no operating officers, junior or senior. The IIPBA has never used Data-Driven DSS, Excel, OLAP, or Model-Driven DSS.

As per your first suggestion for further BBC cost-savings, we can all define our jobs with ease. These definitions commonly include “points out that Cheryl Gillan is inappropriately attired for Prime Minister’s Questions” and “has impulsively penned David Cameron’s political obituary”. As for suggestions two to five, the IIPBA has never made an expensive trail for any of our thinking papers and none of them has ever been introduced by a continuity announcer. We do employ an in-house illustrator but, as he is a child, Miguel saves us considerable sums in pay and benefits.

As such, we would like to invite you to become one of our Trustees. The role involves no pay, no work and very little recognition. We can promise you our eternal gratitude and the occasional invitation to a Westminster hostelry. This is also your chance to get one over on your Speccie colleague, Toby Young, who has steadfastly ignored our advances.

I should be delighted to respond to any questions and do make sure that http://theiipba.blogspot.com/ is in your Favourites.

Yours sincerely,

Jacinta Burrow

On behalf of the IIPBA Directors

Thinking Paper #178: Should economists stop writing letters to newspapers?

By Jacinta Burrow

Abstract

In yesterday’s Observer, 100 economists told George Osborne in a letter that his Plan A for getting the economy back on track is a total crock of shit. Setting aside the fact that the IIPBA has swallowed unquestioningly the Chancellor’s rhetoric that Britain is a “safe haven” (loving your work, Mr O), it has come to our attention that you can find 100 economists to back more or less anything.



Background

There were 100 economists for John McCain and but they were no match for Messrs Hope and Change. A centurion-guard of abacus-fiddlers backed Gordon Brown’s approach to handling Britain’s deficit. And look how well that turned out. In June 2010, 100 economists told President Obama to cut spending to boost private sector job creation (“100 doctors advise President to breathe oxygen”). 100 Italian economists wrote a letter in June 2010 denouncing austerity and claiming it will “destroy Europe”. Yeah! Spend, spend, spend. Pass the parmigiano.

Why 100?

We know full well that it has actually taken one economist to write the letter, a couple of others to suggest amendments, track their changes and email back a corrected copy, and 97 others to sign their names without really reading the letter because they know that they’re not famous enough to be included in the version the newspaper actually prints. 100 has a nice round ring to it (100 pennies in the pound, 100 years in a century, 100 new wrinkles on Nick Clegg’s face every week) even in an economic climate where we’ve taken to measuring everything in billion-trillion-gazillions.

Conclusion

We’re all a little bit scared by the world at the moment and a “100 EXPERTS” headline reassures us that somebody, somewhere knows what the hell is going on. But you can find 100 people who think that we never landed on the moon, or that Jeremy Clarkson should be Prime Minister, or that Ed Miliband is not a complete and utter waste of space. 100 people saying something doesn’t make it true.

Thinking Paper #167 - Gaddafi is dead, Long live Philip Hammond

By Jacinta Burrow

Abstract

Philip "The Haircut" Hammond. Wow. I mean. He’s been Defence Secretary for under a week and he’s had one MISSION ACCOMPLISHED moment already. It’s a lesson to us all in what can be achieved if you don’t spend the working week lusting after a colleague and get on with popping a cap (or 17) in the splanchnocranium of the North African despot at hand.
The middle bit

Plucked from the living death that is the Department for Transport, Philip Hammond has answered his critics: he may be formed almost entirely of shades of grey, but he knows how to give the world what it wants. “I want his head on my desk by a week on Tuesday” is how Big Phil is said to have greeted the top brass. The IIPBA has thus far been unable to confirm reports that Gaddafi was shot in the head by a man with a heavy, Herefordshire (“who dares wins”) accent.

Phil “The Hammer of Tripoli” Hammond is also a millionaire with a background in the oil trade and it just so happens that there are 41 billion barrels of the stuff in Libya! The IIPBA lost faith with Big Dave after he appointed a barely potty-trained toddler to be Economic Secretary to the Treasury, but this is cabinet shuffling at its old school best.

Concluding remarks

The IIPBA looks forward to snaps of The Phil-ulator glad-handing in downtown Sirte and looking slightly uncomfortable in a pair of khaki slacks. Oh, and we really hope Wikipedia is right about the fact that our new Man at the MoD owns a budgie called Lilly.

Thinking Paper #151 - Common(s) Bureaucracy

By Jacinta Burrow

Abstract

Hello again, post-bureaucracy fans! Apologies for my recent silence (the super-injunction’s all sorted now, thanks for asking), but I return with momentous news: the House of Commons Commission has done a new report responding to the new report by the Administration Committee on parliamentary catering arrangements (bureaucracy is alive and well and living in a palace by the River Thames). The IIPBA has skim-read it while waiting for the kettle to boil and has scribbled down the very bestest bits.

The Report’s Best Bits

Committee Recommendation 9 stated “The management of the service needs to respond more quickly and effectively to complaints about poor service” and suggested the introduction of a “‘mystery shopper’ programme”. Can the IIPBA suggest that Gordon Brown be inducted into this scheme? His scarce appearances in the Commons mean that no one will expect him to rock up and sample the new range of floured baps and his dour facial features will give nothing away about his scoring of the new facilities.

Committee Recommendation 15 was that “all Peers should be able to use the Members’ Dining Room at lunch times…” Quoth the Commission, “this may prove to be a contentious matter amongst Members… Discussions will be held with the House of Lords about this”. Now apart from that annual unpleasantness with Black Rod getting a door slammed in his face, is there really such beef between the Commons and Lords? If so, the IIPBA suggests the HoP slims down its £5.7m annual catering loss by selling tickets for some bare-knuckle brawling. Pete “the Dark Lord” Mandelson against Tom “Twiggy” Watson would be an especially spicy fixture.

“More can be done to vary the food styles on offer… There is a gap for the provision of mid-level, high street type offers such as pizza, pasta, Thai, Indian, Chinese or sushi…”, says Committee Recommendation 19. That’s right, folks. It’s 2011 and our elected representatives have just discovered it is possible to eat fish raw. If it wasn’t in the prep school tuck box, it just doesn’t get a look in.

At 27, the Committee recommends that a “self-clear” policy be extended to more Commons outlets. The Commission agrees, but “the clearing systems will need careful design”. Is it too much to expect that those who vote for new laws and send our troops into battle also know, when push comes to shove, how to position their knife and fork to indicate that they’ve finished and how to stack a tray? Yes. That’s why they employ a highly qualified, long-suffering staff.

The IIPBA’s favourite recommendation is number 33 in which our heroes on the Administration Committee suggest that “Moncrieff’s cafebar be renamed Annie’s Bar”. The Commission supports this, with a caveat: “it will be called simply ‘Annie’s’, to avoid it being seen primarily as a drinking establishment”. Have the Commission’s members never met a Member of Parliament? Were it not for g, and indeed t, nothing in Westminster would ever get done. (Please see Thinking Paper #3 for more IIPBA thoughts on the importance of alcohol to our politics, especially to the “new” kind).

Conclusion

The House of Commons Commission (membership 6, plus a Secretary and two Assistant Secretaries) was responding to recommendations from the House of Commons Administration Committee (membership 20, plus a Clerk, a Committee Assistant and a “Media Officer”). The Post-Bureaucratic Age is as far off as ever: ARE YOU LISTENING, LETWIN?

Thinking Paper #150 - Happy Birthday, Lady Thatcher

By Jacinta Burrow

Abstract

Margaret Hilda Thatcher (née Roberts), aka Baroness Thatcher of Kesteven in the County of Lincolnshire, and our forty-ninth Prime Minister, “The Thatch” is 86 today. The IIPBA (especially your humble author) salutes her.


Key achievements

In The Good Old Days before Tony Blair went and spoiled it all and turned Labour into a credible party of government, The Blessed Margaret won three elections on the bounce. The Sisterhood would like to pretend that she was actually a man, but she WAS the first female Prime Minister and that is awesome. Just imagine what Harriet Harperson could achieve if she didn’t spend all her time arguing for special treatment (I know. It just doesn’t bear thinking about).

Whilst Tony and Cherie popped out a fourth child for the benefit of the Murdoch press, The Thatch would not let a little thing like childbirth distract from the business of carving out a career. She squeezed out twins, had a quick shower and then went straight out and qualified as a barrister specialising in taxation.

Maggie had no idea who Monty Python was and was by all accounts very mean to Geoffrey Howe, but she enjoyed a close relationship with Ronald “The Gipper” Reagan after waving her trademark handbag around and ending the Cold War. The trick came in handy again when she told those pesky Argies to get the hell out of the Falkland Islands. That photo of her atop a British tank is to this day laminated and handed out to adolescent male delegates at Conservative Party Conference.

In 1996, Geri Halliwell declared that Maggie was the “first Spice Girl” and originator of “Girl Power”, which surely explains Eminem’s dilemma in the 1999 hit My Name Is (“I can’t figure out which Spice Girl I want to impregnate”). The Russkies nicknamed her “The Iron Lady” and Arthur Scargill had several names for her that it is impossible to repeat on a family think-site.

She may have done a bit of milk snatching and tried to introduce the Poll Tax, but she also let lots of people buy their own houses, she told the trade unions that they wouldn’t fall down dead if they occasionally turned up to work and she told the EU that Britain was jolly well going to grow crooked carrots if it wanted to.

Conclusion

If you’re still not convinced, ask yourself how many times you’ve eaten a 99 with a flake and enjoyed it. That ice cream, my doubting friends, was based on a chemical formula developed by the one, the only, The Thatch. She also remains one of the only people in the world recognisable solely by her hairstyle. Happy birthday, Maggie!

Thinking Paper #95 - The Boundary Commission

By Jacinta Burrow

Abstract

The publication of the Boundary Commission’s proposals for new constituency borders has allowed MPs to indulge in their two favourite pastimes: talking about themselves and schadenfreude. The IIPBA has summoned up the will to live long enough to scribble down a few points.

Key points

• Nick Clegg is completely fucked. Again.

• George Osborne’s seat escapes largely unscathed. Membership of the Bullingdon Club remains the gift that keeps on giving.

• Ed Balls is up against a Shadow Cabinet colleague for a redrawn seat. Hilary Benn prepares to retire and publish yet another book about what a bastard Ed Balls is.

• The effective abolition of Nadine Dorries’ seat will give her plenty of time to launch Britain’s answer to the Tea Party Movement and prepare for re-election in 2020

• MPs affected by the changes will use phrases like “gerrymandering” and compare redrawn seats to Rhodesia and the Belgian Congo

• Those unaffected will gleefully refer to unlucky colleagues as “on suicide watch”

• MPs popular with their parties will be fine

• MPs unpopular with their parties will convince themselves that a career in lobbying wouldn’t be too bad really

Conclusions

The IIPBA looks forward to the day when we’ve created the Big Society and all live happily together in one massive constituency. Onwards, comrades!

Thinking Paper #87 - Know Your Question Time

By Jacinta Burrow

Abstract

The weekly battle of wits between the political classes and the nation’s pub bores returns to our TV screens this evening. Please read the following carefully. Thank you.

Dimbers

• David Dimbleby will struggle to keep the fear from his voice as he is forced to give details of the BBCQT “Twit…ter hash…tag”

• He will give details of “how to follow the comments on Ceefax”. Everyone will strain to remember what the point of Ceefax is.

• Mr Dimbleby will point out “the lady there in a pink blouse”. The camera will pan to a gentleman in a blue suit.

• Dimbleby will let a smug-looking man on the front row waffle on and then ask him a follow up question. He will look scared to death and make a mental note never again to shout “he didn’t answer the question!” while listening to the 0810 interview on the Today Programme.

The Audience

• Tonight’s “9/11 Special” means there will be lots of inappropriate close-ups of audience members as the producers desperately hope someone will break down in tears.

• A “young person” will ask a question which makes a tangential point about “young people” and how the government is ignoring “the next generation”.

• An audience member will reference Saudi Arabia’s pleasingly low crime rate or how Enoch Powell has basically been proved right. Two people will applaud. Everyone else will look a bit uncomfortable.

• Do pass Go!, do collect £200, do scream “house!” if anyone says – in relation to the invasion of Iraq, the expenses scandal, the BBC’s decision to cancel One Man and His Dog – “It was all about oil!”

Conclusion

If you hang in there for an hour of Liam Fox and Bonnie Greer and don’t switch over to Channel 5 for the Celebrity Big Brother Final, you have won. Well done.

Thinking Paper #84 - PMQs Bingo 1

By Jacinta Burrow and Tim Massingberd James

Absract

Politics is well boring if you pretend that anything that is said and done actually matters. So with the return of Prime Ministers Questions for the autumn season, we present our first PMQs bingo series, with sixteen regular occurrences for you to cross off at home.

PMQs Bingo
Watch PMQs from the beginning, whilst following the live chat on http://order-order.com/. Extra points are awarded for references to rocking horses or more than a hundred profanities witnessed during the live chat.

Tick off any of the points below as they happen and award yourself a slap-up lunch at White's if you get all sixteen.

• John Bercow refers to someone "chuntering from a sedentary position"
• The Prime Minister flexes his political historian muscles with a "The Hon Member has been in the House for x years"
• Fellow Members should "Reading!” as one of the new crowd gets to their feet with well prepared notes
• A Labour MP refers to cuts which are “Too far, too fast”
• A Tory backbencher tries to suck up to the Prime Minister with a "Will the Prime Minister congratulate..."
• The Prime Minister makes a reference to an opposition MP having had their question prepared by the whips
• Miliband says "he just doesn't get it"
• An MP who asks a question looks like they were born in the 80s
• More than two MPs reference Alistair Darling's book
• The Prime Minister references Alistair Darling's book
• Ed Balls obviously shouts something at the Prime Minister during a reply
• George Osborne obviously shouts something at Ed Miliband during a question
• Ed Miliband says something about how the Prime Minister said yesterday he was a "liberal practical Conservative" and today he said he was a "practical eurosceptic"
• Dennis Skinner asks a question about Rupert Murdoch
• Ed Miliband says the Tories should disband in England and Wales, as well as Scotland, and might use the phrase "don't want to intrude on private grief"
• Dave references Ed's adenoid operation as a “nose job”

Conclusion

Get back to work.