Thinking Paper # 48: Are police getting it right, wrong, Kay Burley or something?

The IIPBA brings you a rolling blog of the war currently raging between police who are trying to do their jobs, kids who want to go back to school and media lizards who like filming it all in the hope of seeing a window get smashed.

17:21 A window gets smashed in Hackney - someone in a newsroom gets an erection

17:30 Someone says that the police are being too heavy handed. Others suggest that unemployed teenagers should be killed. The remainder of the population go home to drink a bottle of wine in front of a DVD.

17:45 The Home Secretary is still "really trying" to get home from her holiday

17:52 Lynne Featherstone spotted in the Pizza Express in Victoria - conference call with other European Equality Ministers?

17:56 Editors at the BBC panic over which scene of someone smashing something to include in the 6 o'clock news

17.57 Sky's main posh sounding twit Jake Britton is beside London Fields. It is, he says "his neck of the woods", but he seems scared to venture to Hackney Central. Over there, he understands, you can't even get a mochalatichino.

18:01 BBC 6 o'clock news goes with images of police brutality and Nick Clegg dressed up as Theresa May, Home Secretary

18.02 - Just heard a siren in the nice, affluent area of London where I live in listed Georgian town house. Maybe I should move to Buckinghamshire - Tim Massingberd-James

18:05 Someone pretending to be Theresa May appears on ITV. Lynne Featherstone spotted leaving Pizza Express in Victoria. Heading home for wine and a DVD?

18:08 Latest statistics just in -more people taking photographs on their iphones in Hackney than throwing something at the police

18.22 - Time to clock off for the day. It's bound to quieten down when it gets dark anyway.

20.22 Our reporter Ron Ford Golightly has returned from the frontline in Peckham to reveal that Greggs has been burnt out. Meanwhile, Tim Massingberd-James has visited Lewisham, discovering Tesco is closed and it is full of 'youths'

Thinking Paper #47: Global financial crisis which began in America 2...hooray for Justine Greening‏

By Ron Ford-Golightly

Abstract

It's all well and good this post bureaucratic age thing (as you know, we're avid fans), but should there have been at least one civil servant in charge of making sure that not all of our beloved leaders went on holiday at the same time?

The Detail

Whilst the US loses an A and Kay Burley gets excited about riots, our records show that David Cameron is still waiting for his cafe latte mochachino in Tuscany, George Osborne is working out on a beach in California, Nick Clegg is somewhere north of Stoke. Other busy people include the Home Secretary, currently trapped in her office, and the Chief Secretary to the Treasury who gave a statement to the Sunday Times outlining that "I am on holiday, I am holiday (phone cuts out)".

The Consequences

Justine Greening is left in charge of the economy and forgets about the unstoppable tide of globalisation and the borderless nature of the global financial system - "We've very much been on the edge of that crisis that we've been seeing in the eurozone and, indeed, in the US". Justine is refering to our geographical location.

Lynne Featherstone (don't ask) is left to make inquiries about who stole what from JJB and Footlocker.

Conclusions

Justine Greening said that "the reality is that you're never on holiday from these jobs".

We beg to differ. Considering George Osborne's sunburnt nipples, David Cameron's refusal to come back from Tuscany and Danny Alexander's statement (see above), it seems fair to suggest that Justine is both technically and actually wrong.

Thinking Paper #46 - Should the police cry more?

By Tim Massingberd-James.

Abstract

The police have been criticised by self-declared "community leaders" in Tottenham for refusing dialogue following the death of Tottenham man, Mark Duggan, whilst the Deputy Assistant Commissioner for the Metropolitan Police, Commander Steve Kavanagh, was keen to stress in an interview on Sky News this morning that the police had been "standing next to these people, watching them cry". Should the police be talking to people and, if necessary, having a bit of a cry themselves, or did the rioting only occur because Tottenham is sh#t?


Should the police cry more?

Sometimes policemen get very angry, and worry that their mummies didn't love them enough. They have feelings, but they don't really understand them and so when they get the chance to hit people like Ian Tomlinson they fill up with anger and hit him really really hard, even though he didn't do anything wrong, or deserve it.

However, sometimes real people get angry too, and burn things. They also like free iphone 4s and robbing JJB sports, and when life has no meaning robbing and burning things doesn't really matter.

Stephen Kavanagh seems to think that standing watching people cry is good enough, but here at the IIPBA we think the police should be talking to people and maybe having a little cry themselves. Whilst this will never overcome the joy young men take from burning things or robbing stuff, it might make them think about their mummies and how they didn't always feel so angry.

If necessary, both sides of the rioting (probably no more than 200 people) could be sent to a camp in the Peak District where they could all have a little cry, as well as - if the need arises - burning and breaking things in a controlled environment away from other people, and having a bit of fight.

Conclusion

Spending a couple of grand on a crying camp for police and rioters may draw attention away from the fact that Tottenham is sh#t. It's worth the money. The IIPBA thinks this is exactly the kind of lightweight solution that duty Minister Lynne Featherstone MP would love. For some reason she has been left in charge of the riots so the IIPBA would like to make her a straightforward offer to organise the camp, as long as we can skim off 20% for 'administration' costs.

Thinking Paper # 45: Our favourite facts from the latest YouGov poll‏

By Ron Ford-Golightly

Abstract

The IIPBA's favourite facts from the latest YouGov poll on how recognisable politicians are.

NB: This is all true

The Facts

• At least 100 Labour voters think that Michael Gove is Alan Johnson
• 10% of the Welsh population don't know who Nick Clegg is
• Roughly 30% of the UK population don't recognise any Cabinet Minister or Shadow Cabinet Minister
• Eric Pickles is most commonly mistaken for Vince Cable (poor Vince)

Thinking Paper #44 - Should Sally Bercow be allowed?

By Jacinta Burrow

The inevitable has finally happened and it’s rumoured she’s to be a contestant on “Celebrity” Big Brother. In the unlikely event you plan to watch, the following translations of previous utterances by Mrs Bercow may be helpful as background.


1. “Doesn’t answer to Mrs Speaker” – except if you are the producer of Today, the Sky newspaper review, Ten O’Clock Live, Question Time, This Week, Big Brother, Have I Got News for You, etc, etc

2. “It was sometimes more like two bottles, except I promised John I wouldn’t say that. Have I mucked it up already?” – Yes

3. “Mr B. is going to go potty. I’ve been done up like a kipper” – When a journalist asks me to strip naked, drape myself in a bed-sheet and stand in front of an open window for photographs, I am unable to say “no”.

4. “Up for having a laugh” – The world reciprocates at my expense. I am yet to realise this.

5. “Hi @misskatieprice…” – Twitter had inured me to the absurdity of my existence

6. “Having a go at writing a novel” – Quentin Letts could do with a holiday

7. “I am the Carla Bruni of British politics” – Low self-esteem and I are not well acquainted

8. “Oliver Letwin… You can take the boy out of Eton but you can’t take the Old Etonian out of the boy” – I went to Marlborough. But that doesn’t look good at my CLP meetings

9. “Altho’ it’s VERY sad Habitat, Jane Norman, Carpetright, Thorntons, Focus DIY are going under, I never *actually* shop at any of ’em…” – I backed Ed Balls for the Labour leadership

10. “LOL” – My kids are going to be in therapy for the rest of their lives

The IIPBA generally disapproves of bans. It is willing to make exceptions in extraordinary circumstances.

Thinking Paper # 43: Excerpts from the journal of David Cameron's bald spot‏

... My day starts when his does. Early. I've spent the night with my face in a pillow. The pillow smells nice; I think Sam uses 3 in 1 detergent. He's up and he yawns. Then he sighs. Sometimes I think that he resents his job. Someone called Liz comes into the flat above No10 at about 6am and I see the hairs up her nose and the wrinkles on her neck as she combs his hair back, covering me with a thin veil of blonde-brown hair for the rest of the day. It's nice under here, but who's he kidding? Why does he hide me away like this, pretending that I don't exist? It's no shame to be bald.

It's PMQs and I can hear the baying of the mob. I can hear the nasal sound of Ed Miliband and I know my time is coming. I feel Dave leap to his feet. The well moisturised fist slamming into the despatch box loosens the hair covering me from the world, and I can see the Parliamentary sketch writers on the balcony overlooking the commons floor. I see Simon Hoggart scribbling frantically as he spots me. He looks excited. This is the only time of the day when I get to see the world. I see the fat Tory faces behind my Dave, cheering and jeering like a pack of well fed swine. With a careful swish of a hand, he pushes his hair back over me and I sit waiting for the next question to anger him.

The rest of the day passes in a dizzying blur and then the evening arrives. Someone enters the flat, their presence marked by a soft padding of feet on the carpet. It's Steve, he's in his favourite socks. I see up his nose and I see his visionary eyes as he rubs Rosemary oil into me, making sensitive noises and voicing words of concern and support as Dave explains to him that he doesn't want to do a William Hague.

The day ends as I rest once again into a soft and well perfumed pillow. I hear voices. I hear Sam bitterly state "you wanted to be bloody Prime Minister... live with it". Dave sounds exasperated. I fall asleep and dream about being Nick Clegg’s strong head of hair. It feels nice.

Still to come... "Excerpts from the journal of Nick Cleggs damaged sense of worth" and "a short story from the perspective of Ed Milibands post operation nose".

Thinking Paper #42: The who's who of No10 series - characters 1 - 5

By Ron Ford-Golightly

Abstract

Over the summer recess, the IIPBA will be exploring the ups and downs and the ins and outs of those power hungry little individuals who operate in the upper echelons of No10. What makes them tick? How tall are they? What was their upbringing? And does any of this matter? For those of you who are unaware, they are a bunch of Dave's friends who make decisions on behalf of the electorate. They are unelected, unscrutinised and more often than not, incredibly short.

1. Ed Llewellyn - No10 Chief of Staff (HR manager)

Ed Llewellyn is the Prime Minister's Chief of Staff (very well, but what does he do?). He is shorter than Steve Hilton but the same height as a step ladder and he once spoke to a policeman in an appropriate or inappropriate fashion depending on which newspaper you believe. The IIPBA's favourite fact about him is that he was at Eton at the same time as, yes, you've guessed it, David Cameron. As a side note, there's a line in "The Eton Boating Song" that goes: "Nothing in life shall sever the chain that is round us now". Quite.

2. Kate Fall - Outlook Calendar Operative

Oh the lovely Kate Fall: gate keeper and Outlook calendar operative for the Prime Minister. Let's get straight to the point. Did she or did she not share some time with Dave at an educational establishment? Yes, of course she did. I think she was his diary secretary at Oxford University or something (there is a rather unsettling trend emerging). She is taller than a step ladder and Ed Llewellyn, but shorter than an IKEA bookcase. Her name is an anagram of 'a flat Elk'.

3. Gabby Bertin - Her Master's Voice

Gabby Bertin speaks for David Cameron when he is otherwise engaged. At the age of two Gabby began speaking and from then on was destined to be a spokeswoman. She learnt to speak by surrounding herself with people who also spoke and she herself went on to speak. She sometimes speaks for David Cameron and when she's not doing this, she doesn't really know what to do with her time. Oh and she likes to buy shoes.

4. Laurence Mann - PPS

Laurence Mann is a part time tennis expert, the world's all time greatest piano player and the Prime Minister's Political Private Secretary. According to The Daily Mail website, Laurence found fame when he started dating former Big Breakfast superstar, Denise Van Outen. When the relationship soured, Laurence took solace in Conservatism and decided that his future lay in helping to run the country. When he's not politically privatising secretaries, he can be found on Strutton Ground in central London getting his tennis racket fixed. He went to the same playgroup as the Prime Minister and he is taller than both Ed Llewellyn and Steve Hilton.

5. Liz Sugg - Hypnotherapist and Long term strategic snack analyst

Liz Sugg organises events for Dave, no one is really sure what this means but I'm told that it includes things like banning stewed tea and stale buns. There are no known anagrams for 'Liz Sugg'. When you say Liz Sugg over and over again really quickly you can actually hypnotise yourself. Liz is taller than Llewellyn, but probably shorter than the rest of them. Apparently she is responsible for inventing Dave's now world famous comb back.

Concluding Remarks

What they all have in common is that they like to send emails really late into the night, and if possible not go home at all. This way Dave will be impressed and make them his new BFF. From there on in, life will be comfortable and they won't have to queue for things in supermarkets or pay for holidays. And they might get to a higher status within the Bilderberg group.

Next week... some more people who run the country.