Thinking Paper #184: Dale’s superhardship sweep‏

By Roger Daring

The IIPBA generally quite likes Dales, Dale Winton is notable as someone that we consider a ‘high achiever’ and we often invite him to chair our internal policy review sessions. The Yorkshire Dales are pretty alright too, Tim went to the National Park there once.

However, more importantly, the events at Dale farm seem to be simmering down. Here is our roundup;

• The police decided to sweep all rules about the use of tazors under the proverbial rug because they didn’t suit them; instead choosing to tazor people willy-nilly as part of their ‘community engagement’ strategy. The IIPBA asked Tim Godwin, acting Police Commissioner, about this issue and he tried to hide from us by covering his eyes with his hands.
• We believe that the amount of rubbish the police are going to create whilst bulldozing helpless peoples homes further justifies Eric Pickles’ rubbish, rubbish policy. We commend the Pickler and his hearty pelican gullet.
• The media used a picture of someone holding a cross in front of a fire to lead articles on the issue. The IIPBA believes that this may be in order to sell newspapers and had no relevance whatsoever to the proceedings. Questions have been raised as to whether the cross-bearer exists at all, or whether she was drawn by Steve Hilton.
• Whilst Pickles spending £250m on rubbish is clearly a very, very good idea, we think that spending £18m on kicking people further into poverty is slightly questionable.

Conclusions

If a tree fell on Ed Miliband in the woods, would his childlike whelp be his most notable criticism of Government policy?

If anyone else says “well, planning law has to be respected” the IIPBA will spontaneously combust and kill everyone and everything.

Thinking Paper #181 – Sarky Softpocket

By Roger Daring

Abstract

The IIPBA generally regards Sarkozy as a bit of a softpocket. Until recently, that is. Recently Sarko got some balls. In a streak of magnificent fabulousness, Sarkozy has come out and called David Cameron ‘Un grand Nobjock’.

Sarky Softpocket

Tensions had become increasingly strained as the Euro Crisis looked more and more like a big, tasty crisis and less and less like a small guff that had floated out of Merkel’s undergarments.

The IIPBA was fortunate enough to see this leaked Sarkozy statement in full

“I am ‘ere today, to say ‘dis.

“Davide Camerohn, is a little poof, he is a little danceeng nobjock who knows nu’thing abouwt politiques or economiques. I guff in his chubby little nose, I shit on the belly of his mother, I stick my fin’gere in his podgy little ass‘hol!”

(This is exactly what he said, and no stereotypical tweaks have been added).

Although some may be shocked to hear such a statement from a French Prime Minister, the IIPBA is not in the least bit surprised. In fact, we led the drafting of this diplomatic masterpiece upon the request of the French Embassy.

Conclusion

Nicholas Softpocket Sarkozy – nous salute tu

Saturday Poem #1: Ode to Ken

Ken, Ken

You are our friend

In the political realm

You’re one that makes sense

One of the select few

I’m glad we elect (ed) you

To stick in the boot

At that silly twat Theresa May

Phew.

By Roger Daring

Thinking Paper #127 - Pickings from the Pickler

By Roger Daring

Abstract

The IIPBA is overjoyed to welcome the return of Eric ‘The Pickler’ Pickles to the front page of our wonderful printed newssheets.


Pickings from the Pickler

The Pickler has some plans - big, warbling, oversized plans with chins that make necks and necks that make chins. He wants to get the bins collected more, lots bloody more.

Despite the harsh economic conditions that have not only caused millions of people to slip ‘n’ slide further towards poverty, but has also convinced the sun to physically hide from our economy all summer - the first ‘terrified sun’ on meteorological record, the magnificent Pickler has stumped up 250 “buckaroons” (millions) to pick up smaller piles of rubbish more regularly, rather than larger piles less regularly.

The Daily Mail briefly paused its never-ending, high-pitched scream to pat good ole’ Eric on the chin (back?) before continuing its unremitting wail.

Concluding remarks

At the IIPBA we don’t produce much waste, Ron occasionally chucks a bit of paper in the bin. Tim, now and again, leaves a wholly holey sock in the recycling, Jacinta sweeps up some pencil sharpenings whilst furrowing her sweet, sweet brow and working on her next piece of magnificence. Despite this ecological pin print, we think Pickler’s rubbish policy proves that he should be promoted from Communities Secretary to World Secretary of the Post Bureaucratic Age. Yeah, you show ‘em Eric, you and your rubbish.

The irony that ‘the Pickler’ wants to pick up rubbish more regularly to stop it from pickling on the street did not escape us. In fact it has been the topic of numerous guffaws all afternoon.

Eric’s rise to fame and glory has convinced the Conservative leadership to give him a cameo role in Blue Movie (see Thinking Paper #92) - as Jabba the Pickler, Lord Commander of the Bullingdon Club.

Thinking Paper #92 - Blue movie

By Roger Daring


Abstract

The IIPBA has seen been passed leaked Whitehall documents which reveal a murky deal struck between the Conservative Government and Friends and the BBC.

Details

The paper suggests that the Conservative Government and Friends have agreed not to cut the BBC’s budget for the next three economic cycles on the condition that the BBC produce a film about David Cameron’s life entitled ‘David: Champion Amongst Men’.

The film chronicles David’s rise from snotty rich kid to snotty rich adult via Eton, the Bullingdon Club and Millbank Tower. Key scenes centre around Dave, George and Boris enjoying a nude, champagne hot tub and striking corporate mega deals.

One of the most startling revelations, announced in a chapter entitled ‘and red conservatism was born,’ is that Michael Gove is the lovechild of Maggie Thatcher and Ken Livingstone who both appear in the film to re-enact the conception scene.The film ends with Dave burning down the state with the help of his loveable hound ‘Disraeli’ (voiced by Nick Clegg) and declaring Eton the new ‘little big society HQ.’

Other starring members of the cabinet include Vince Cable as ‘Monty’ - the overly-affectionate headmaster of Eton and Danny Alexander, who makes a brief appearance as Mr Patel in a scene in which David, Champion Amongst Men, shows his affection for ‘the common man’.

David released a statement saying ‘My life is a bit like that, it has just taken longer.’ The IIPBA hopes that this disparity will not continue to grow.

Conclusions

Whilst most have been stunned by such a detailed account of the Champion’s early years, some critics have noted that he retains a full head of hair throughout the film, thwarting its attempts to be realistic.

• The IIPBA originally rated the film 2 stars, this was increased to 3 on account of a fantastic, arty shot of George Osbourne’s elbow. Phwoarr!
• The Daily Mail gave it 5 stars, calling it ‘a thrilling account of our dear leader’
• This film is rated ‘12A’ as it contains scenes of partial nudity and moderate sneering at poor people.

Thinking Paper #75: Free Schools - A Millionaire’s Bargain

By Roger Daring

Abstract

Far from being free, Free Schools actually cost a lot of money. The sooner we realise this, and come to terms with it, the more we will understand what a free school actually is.



Free Schools - A Millionaire’s Bargain

The current freeness of free schools has finally emerged at a very reasonable £130m. The Secretary of State for Education, Michael Gove, a self professed fat-lipped quibbler, added a statement to these revelations saying “we wanted to spend lots of money to create the freest schools known to man without delay.”

The IIPBA applauds the Conservative Government and Friends in having created the most expensive free thing ever to have existed. Indeed, when this news was released, looting once again raged across London as people realised that they too could make something expensive into something free.

Remarks

• We don’t believe that things can be truly free unless they are sufficiently expensive.

• We commend and wholeheartedly agree with Michael Gove’s concession that he is a fat-lipped quibbler, and hope that he will make more concessions of this nature in the future.

• The IIPBA agrees that through doublethink, nonsense and propaganda we will successfully reach the Post-Bureaucratic Age.