Thinking Paper #191 - My Big Fat Greek Solution

By Jamie Harrop Co-Editor of The Starr Blog

Abstract

So Greece's smurf-like father figure Papa Dreou has withdrawn plans to, in X-Factor style, put the state of the economy to a public vote. Highlighting just how mad things in Greece must be and also how Simon Cowell and friends have missed a trick. If there was a chance to vote people out on XFactor instead of currently where you can just vote people in I would be voting everyday! (Frankie Corcoza, Frankie Corcoza.....)


My Big Fat Greek Solution

Papa Dreou's surprise decision to call a referendum reportedly made President Sarkozy and Chancellor Merkel faint and swoon simultaneously. Following his decision to scrap the referendum Papa Dreou bravely stated " I don't care about being re-elected" he later added, somewhat less bravely "I know I'm screwed."

A new deal is thought to be struck. With billions of pounds in loans from somewhere going to cancel a billion pound debt somewhere else in a fiscal system described by one financial expert as "just throwing ludicrous amounts of money around in the hope it will sort it all out."

Conclusion

So what's the solution? I hear you ask! Cancel all the debts? Scrap the Euro? Scrap everything, start again and pretend none of it ever happened? Probably all of these. My experience of Greece involves a number of Greek restaurants I have dined at. The service was chaotic, the waiters a bit mad and the food was alright. There is however one great, 'better than the rest of the world' product I did notice, that I believe the Greeks should base the entire rebuild of their economy on, one unique item the Greeks have.... Smashing plates.

Thinking Paper #190 - What are the Lib Dems so happy about?

By Samuel Stopp, Co-Editor of The Starr Blog

Abstract

They are agents in a world on the verge of another economic crisis, a government running out of steam and a party polling some its lowest ever figures. And yet, somehow, the Lib Dems still seem to gurn more than any of the other parties’ MPs. It’s annoying and it’s inexplicable. And yet, in a way, it’s rather admirable.


What are the Lib Dems so happy about?

Take Nick Clegg. Shortly before the General Election, the nauseating idea arose that the people of Britain were falling in love with ‘Cleggover.’ Clegg’s half-decent performances in the leaders’ debates won him a disproportionate amount of plaudits from a press desperately hoping that a dull Election campaign would catch fire. Now, you would think that after everything that’s happened since coming to power, the Lib Dem Leader would be a little po-faced by now. And yet, every time I see him sitting behind Cameron at PMQs, he’s not only smiling, he’s smirking ... a little bit like a man who’s just released a very silent – but deadly – fart.

And then there’s Danny Alexander – a man with a very peculiar countenance indeed. His face positively twitches with amusement. He seems to have to actively struggle to stop himself from throwing his head back and laughing every time a poor little journo like Andrew Marr asks him a serious question. Watch him next time you see him being interviewed, and you’ll see what I mean. His face has an inbuilt smile-suppresser.

And of course, we must not forget Saint Vince – that lovable old chap who we were all told was some sort of wise seer on economic matters before the Election. He’s not looking so clever right now, especially after he was caught in a honey trap by a couple of giggling students. Giggling can sometimes cancel out smiling, or so it seems. Now, Vince isn’t your regular kind of gurner. He’s subtle, and I praise him for that, but his smile is the weirdest of all – a sort of tragic, upside down smile. I think the cynics call it a sad face. I’m not sure. I think Vince loves power, as do all the Lib Dems. No, Vince is happy all right, a little like Gollum was delirious with joy as he toppled into the fires of Mount Doom with the Ring of Power finally back in his possession.

Conclusion

And so I wonder if there is a clue in all of this insipid grinning. After all, a little-known playwright once noted how strange and unsettling it is that one may smile and smile and be a villain.

Friday Thinking Points

With Ron Ford Golightly, Tim Massingberd James and Jacinta Burrow

• Uh-oh, Ed Llewellyn's planning his next war. "Sources" (is that you Ed?) have said that "if Obama wants to bomb Iran to improve electoral ratings , then so do we". He followed this up by chanting "war" over and over again until he became so excited that he passed out on the floor.

• One upside to the financial crisis: Silvio Berlusconi's latest album of love songs has been delayed.

• Labour's advisers seek to gain new ground by getting all of their MPs to call the government "complacent". Meanwhile, the IIPBA is still struggling to understand how Ed Miliband is Her Majesty's official opposition.

• George Osborne continues to "undershoot" in most areas of his life. Poor George. On the other end of the spectrum, Hugh "the bastard" Grant is extremely fertile. Exactly what the world needs, another Hugh Grant.

• The Greek PM is having a "will-they-wont-they" flirtation with unemployment. A source close to the PM said "of course" sitting around watching daytime telly in your pants is preferable to doing a Eurozone crisis, but he was worried he might miss Angela Merkel's stern face.

• Six lads have been in a metal tube for a year and a half, in the largest pretending-to-be-an-astronaut-experiment ever. When pressed, Putin's spokesman said that the experiment had been a failure because they "didn't even bum".

Thinking Paper # 189: Should map makers be allowed to stare at tits using taxpayers money?

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

"Broken Britain" is finally here (remember that?). Even the good people of the map making world, Ordnance Survey, have been caught out staring at boobs. Naughty map makers.


Ha

Ordnance Survey officials have always been a sexy bunch. Remember the great daisy chain fiasco of 08? Now, according to credit card statements, OS staff spent £4.99 whilst dining at a "raunchy" Hooter restaurant in the US. A spokesman for Ordnance Survey insisted that its staff attended the restaurants only because they employed such lovely waitresses. He added, "map making isn't easy you know."

Local government minister Grant Shapps said something rather annoying that missed the point and Francis Maude turned round for a moment from watching the cricket on his television in his office and said that tighter controls on use of the cards had cut spending on them. Woo-hoo. You go Franny.

Concluding comments

The IIPBA bloody loves maps, particularly OS maps. We think that the taxpayer can stretch to ensuring that the good men and women of OS get to eat when working out of town. If they get to stare at tits in the process, it really doesn't matter.

Thinking Paper #188: An open letter to Seb Coe‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Dear Seb Coe,

We would like to start by saying that the IIPBA highly commends a number of your achievements to date: becoming an Olympic champion; teaching William Hague “judo”; and bringing the Olympics to London in 2012.

But, to cut to the chase, when you said that the Olympics would be for the ordinary Londonder, what exactly did you mean? Now, the IIPBA patiently went along with the patently flawed ballot system for tickets, and duly moaned over its tea break with colleagues and co-workers when all it managed to secure were two £20 tickets to see the 2nd round of the women’s Greco wrestling.

More recently however, now that this public “anger” has subsided, the IIPBA can’t help but notice the number of adverts springing up across the capital attempting to get us excited about winning Olympic tickets through corporate competitions from people like EDF, Virgin and PetsRus.

That’s right, the tickets designated for “Londoners” are now being sold back to us via competitions parading as altruistic corporate gestures. Competitions which require “Londoners” to sign up to being ripped off by a French utility company before even being within a whiskers chance of getting to watch Rebecca Adlington’s shoulders carve through chlorine.

You've betrayed us Seb

All the best,

The IIPBA

P.s. we still have vacancies on our board of trustees if you are interested.

Thinking Paper #187 - Breaking news: Counterfeiters thank Metro for supporting trade‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

The Bank of England has introduced a new-style £50 banknote into circulation for the first time in 17 years. Well done Merv. The note will feature the renowned 18th century business partnership of entrepreneur Matthew Boulton and engineer James Watt (what?) in an attempt to encourage those lazy British lot to start designing toilets with self lowering toilet seats and such like.



What does this mean for Mrs Miggins?

Well, a range of new and enhanced security features have been incorporated into the design of the Boulton and Watt £50 banknote so that old Miggins can't go around fraudulently printing fakes and giving them to her mates. Naughty Miggins, get in your box.

There is a but...

Full details of these new security features have been revealed by our beloved British media over the course of the day.

One counterfeiter told the IIPBA "I usually hate reading the Metro but I did today and I was really pleased to see that its article about the new £50 note set out all of the new security features and flaws for me to get around - thank you Mr Metro".

The counterfeiter wished to remain anonymous, but added "I'm gonna get well mashed up tonight. Mrs Counterfeiter's going to get a right slap up meal down the local curry house that's for sure".

Thinking Paper # 186: The Archbishop of Canterbury speaks

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

As well as making non-specific demands of internet service providers which have been widely condemned by the British Association of Fifteen Year Old Boys, the Church of England has been up to lots of other silly nonsense this week. They've been losing Deans and firing Canons all over the place, and today beardy Rowan has reared his head, joining every A-Level Politics student in the land in suggesting a 'Robin Hood Tax' on on financial trading. Why oh why doesn't he just be quiet?


The Archbishop of Canterbury speaks

It's as if Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams thinks we care what he has to say, and as if he thinks he is the first person to think of this. In fact, Nobel Laureate economist James Tobin suggested almost exactly the same thing in 1972, and it has never been adopted because it would drive even more of the money out of your country, into tax havens around the world. Rowan likes it because some idiots are parked on the steps of one of his offices.

It's all very well for the Church of England. They have hundreds of millions of pounds in various investments around the world, they own property in every town, village and city in the country, and people still continue to hand over their hard earned cash every Sunday in the same way they have for about 500 years. They don't have to worry about jobs, and the economy, and where their next pay cheque is coming from. Rowan lives in a palace, and gets all his expensive hats, staffs and robes on the Church, using the huge amounts of money our great great grandparents shelled out every single week of their short, miserable lives.

However, for the rest of us life is more difficult. We quite like having clothes to wear and having enough money to eat, but Rowan seems determined to throw it all away just because some lads are on a camping trip in front of his office. We think he should just refer to paper 183 and get some mean vicars in to clear it all up? We despair.

Conclusion

Why does Rowan's opinion matter? Why does he pander to about 50 idiots? Why all this handwringing? Just get on with it.