Thinking Paper # 15: The Big Society: what the fuck is it all about?

By Ron Ford-Golightly

Abstract

Margaret Thatcher, Sky TV, a longing to be alone, immigrants, microwavable meals, the closure of town halls, the closure of pubs, the closure of post offices, the internet and the "Neighbours from Hell" series on ITV have been destroying communities in this country for years. People apparently long for a feeling of community and have a burning desire to get to know their neighbours (weirdos) and Steve Hilton, a non-shoe wearing Hungarian who lives with David Cameron, thinks that the Big Society will lead to the reform of community spirit. This paper aims to get to the bottom of all of this. Will it? Is Steve Hilton really Hungarian? Why doesn't he wear any shoes? What does community mean to you? And crucially, can anyone be bothered?

The Studies

We interviewed the entire population of a really poor borough in Liverpool. Below is a summary of our findings:

• 100% of respondents said that "the Prime Minister can go fuck himself if he thinks that I'm going to clean shit off a pavement after getting home from a job I hate to feed a husband and child that bring me little to no satisfaction anymore". They usually added "Who the fuck does David Cameron think the British people actually are?"

• 100% of respondents said that they really loved Sky TV and not talking to people. They usually added that their favourite pastime was speculating about who was to blame for problems in this country and that if they a) got to know people in their community or b) helped solve some of the problems facing their community, then they would have nothing to talk about.

• 100% of our respondents said that they worked very hard in their jobs, but weren't quite sure why the job existed. Anyway they said they work bloody hard and definitely couldn't be bothered to do anything but watch television and eat cancerous foods in their spare time so David Cameron should sod off and clean up his own shit.

On the other end of the spectrum, we interviewed the entire population of a village in Berkshire. Below is a summary of our findings:

• 100% of respondents said that they were definitely rich enough (and had sufficient spare time because they didn't work) to set up a local school, volunteer at the library or clean up the incredibly nutritious poo of the resident dogs who ate 8 fruit and vegetables a day.

• 100% of respondents said that they were happy to help build and strengthen their communities because everyone was white, trustworthy and rich like them. They added "Just the other day I helped Jeremy with his shopping because the dreadful man from Ocado had to rush off home to tend to his birthing wife, no doubt having another child that will be a scourge on our good nation".

• 100% of respondents said that they were already active in local campaigns such as the 'We want another Waitrose store' Facebook page.

Your Questions answered...

Will it work?

Yes in well to do areas. No in not so well to do areas.

Is Steve Hilton really Hungarian?

Yes. Hilton is the son of Hungarian immigrants called Hircsák (alternative spelling: Hircksac), who fled their home during the Hungarian Revolution of 1956 and anglicized their name to Hilton.

Why doesn't he wear any shoes?

Steve Hircsák is famous because he doesn’t wear shoes at work. No one knows for sure why he doesn't wear any shoes but our Whitehall sources suggest that Hircsák's creativity stems from the souls of his feet, unlike most people, whose creativity originates from their genitals. Now, our sources suggest to us that in 1989, Hircsák voluntarily became a eunuch on the understanding that it would make him live longer. Upon doing so, he unwittingly removed the source of his creativity. Thanks to the versatility of the brain, the focus shifted downwards and lodged itself firmly in his feet. Our Whitehall sources suggest that he believes that shoes stifle his creativity and therefore, where he can refuses to wear them.

What does community mean to you?

100% of respondents who answered this question said: Facebook.

And crucially, can anyone be bothered?

I don't know about you, but after a day of hard slog at the IIPBA, I barely have enough energy to make love to Mrs Golightly, let alone clean dog shit from pavements because David Cameron refuses to use our taxes to pay someone to do it.

Policy recommendations

• Televisions should be banned. If this is not feasible, the TV series, "Neighbours from Hell" should be discontinued

• It should be illegal to have a commute to work that is longer than a 30 minute walk

• Everyone should go down the local pub at least three nights a week

• Underage drinkers should be allowed in the pub to be shown how to drink responsibly and behave appropriately around adults

• For every conversation had on Facebook, the individuals involved should have one full conversation with a stranger, friend or loved one immediately afterwards either on the telephone or preferably in person

• The week should be made more equal - 3 day weekend, 4 day working week. People should be paid the same wage regardless

• For every Daily Mail article about "Britain going to the dogs" the same newspaper should be enforced by law to print two articles highlighting pleasant happenings from around the country that aren't stories about different species of animal that are friends