29 June 2011

Thinking Paper # 23: George Osborne: Fact and Fiction

By Ron Ford-Golightly

Abstract

Journalists have spent a lot of time and energy of late discussing the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne. Some of these journalists are friends of George and tend to write quite nice things. Others are scared of his rather intrusive nose and write what they are told. The predominant focus has been on his candidacy for Tory leadership for the 2015/2020 general elections; his rivalry with Mayor Johnson; and whether or not his nose is his second bottom. This paper aims to dispel fact from fiction.Fact
  • His real first name is Gideon but he changed it to George because he thought Gideon was a type of poor person.
  • His nose doubles up as a Treasury spokesperson when he is asleep.
  • He once told Danny Alexander, Chief Secretary to the Treasury that he could have a lift home in his ministerial car. When Danny tried to get in he pretended that the door was locked and got his chauffeur to drive off really quickly.
  • He has successfully managed to ridicule Danny Alexander in several other ways, namely, making him the face for all of the most electorally damaging policies emerging from the Treasury.
  • When he was 14 he went out with Kat from Eastenders, aka Jessie Wallace.
  • He is the heir to the Osborne baronetcy of Ballentaylor, in County Tipperary, and Ballylemon, in County Waterford. However, his first job was entering the names of dead people into a national database super computer. He also briefly worked for BHS, re-folding towels

Fiction

  • His nose is not his second bottom, but it has been known to fart when he is nervous. Especially around pretty girls.
  • He won't be Tory leader or the next Prime Minister for several reasons: it has been reported that Ed Miliband has been reading Margaret Thatcher's 1979 election manifesto (I presume this will be enough to secure victory at the 2015 general election); Mayor Johnson is actually rather charismatic and clever (he quotes Shakespeare in media interviews) and might therefore pip young Gideon to the post; his nose, despite not being his second bottom, makes him look and sound rather silly.

I'd like to take some time at the end of this paper to issue a personal thank you to our new illustrator, Miguel Rodriguez Murcianado. Over the past month or so, Miguel has provided beautiful and quirky illustrations to accompany our papers which I think you'll agree, are rather good. For more information about our new illustrator, please visit our 'Staff' section on the website.

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