7 June 2011

Thinking Paper # 13: Where did Ed Miliband go on is honeymoon?

By Ron Ford-Golightly

Abstract

From the Daily Mail to the man in the pub, the question on everyone’s lips is – where did Ed Miliband go on his honeymoon? I say the question on everyone’s lips, the story has been on one blog and I just spoke about it with a guy in the toilets. As informers about the details of his honeymoon flood forward, it is clear to us at the IIPBA that he is holed up in a high class hotel in Marble Arch/Park Lane, depending on how much you squint at a map.


Other Theories

One Guido Fawkes has it that Ed Miliband may have abandoned his plans for a honeymoon in Seville in Spain with his new wife Justine. Other sources state that he has yet to emerge from a service station toilet on the M1 which he entered over 2 hours ago. And a Farmer in Lincolnshire said that he saw an Ed Miliband shaped object in one of his barns but was afraid to approach it because the sound of it breathing and trying to pronounce things like “too far, too fast” was “simply terrifying”. However, following detailed discussion with colleagues at the IIPBA, we have concluded that he is holed up in the newly refurbished Marble Arch Thistle Hotel on Bryanston Street in London.

The Marble Arch Thistle Hotel – The Background

The hotel has 637 rooms decorated in beautiful art deco styling. Ed Miliband is rumoured to be in room 204, overlooking Primark on Oxford Street so that he can see what the “squeezed middle” are buying and adjust his style accordingly. The main bar in the hotel has just had a £1.3bn investment to ensure that it is sufficiently stocked with Archers – Ed’s favourite drink. He likes to have only one ice cube in his Archers and he doesn’t allow Justine to drink because it makes her “windy”.

The hotel is unusual in that all of the staff have to live there. The second floor is rumoured to feel like the first floor and Mondays sometimes feel like Wednesdays depending on where you are in the building.

In addition, Ed is said to have picked this specific hotel because it plays host to the UK’s quickest butcher who can kill, skin and dissect a Lamb in under 3 minutes. The Head Concierge is also worth a mention, he is reported to be the most experienced Concierge in the UK with over 157 years of Concierging background.

Recommendations

Ed Miliband and his windy wife Justine should be able to holiday where the bloody hell they like but they should just be up front with people. The general public aren’t going to begrudge a millionaire a millionaire’s holiday, especially as they already hate his silly face anyway.

Thanks for reading...

No comments:

Post a Comment

Say things here...