19 June 2011

Thinking Paper # 20: The Steve Hilton Factor‏

By Ron Ford-Golightly


The right wing press are alleging that Steve Hilton, David Cameron's foot masseur, is on his way out of No10. Our sources suggest that he is threatening to take the cat with him. We consulted several frontline staff at the Jobcentre Plus in Catford and came up with a list of alternative jobs for Steve in the sad event of him leaving No10.

Steve Hilton - The background
Steve Hilton is part Hungarian and an expert podiatrist. He likes nothing more than rubbing Arnica salve into the Prime Minister's feet after a day of fighting the Little Society. Outside of work he really likes spending time with his favourite laptop, telling everyone how big his "society" is and coming up with ideas that will help cover the Prime Minister's expanding bald patch. On the latter point, Whitehall sources suggest that he has recently recruited Wayne Rooney to be the Prime Minister's Follicle adviser.

Catford Jobcentre Plus - The Staff
In this section we'd like to send a warm thank you to the staff at Catford Jobcentre Plus who made this paper happen. Specific thanks go to Jules, Andy, Cleo, Leo and Xeo.

Steve Hilton - The Job Offers

The staff at Catford Jobcentre Plus worked day and night consulting colleagues across the globe, specifically Vietnam and the US, to bring together a list of options for Steve to consider. They received hundreds of lucrative offers from banks, oil companies and other such firms who like to exploit on a global scale. In the end they picked the posts they thought were most suitable for Steve:

1. Sexy videos: Some lude US websites are said that to be very impressed with Steve's CV and have plenty of vacancies for male actors who understand feet. Contract and pay details are sketchy but negotiable and it is suggested that it would be best to keep details about any such work from his wife.

2. Vietnamese Tourist Board (VTB): The VTB were very keen to put Steve's experience and passion in the Big Society to good use. They offered a job as "Strategic Advisor to the CEO on the Big Society - Vietnam style" on a 2 year loan with opportunities for extension. Contract details were once again sketchy but they said that he would get free suits and that it was "ok" if he didn't want to wear shoes around the office.

3. Sock model for BHS: In a surprising move, BHS approached Catford Jobcentre Plus after reading the right wing press running the Hilton story. They said that they were looking for someone who was bald and had experience working in central government to be their "Next top sock model 2011". Jules at Catford Jobcentre Plus said that this role seemed to be "sent from heaven".


Steve - take the job at BHS - you'd be brilliant

Thanks for reading

p.s. Big shout out to Keith Adams - thanks for following Keith

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