12 December 2011

Thinking Paper # 212: Barbie and Ken

By Roger the misty eyed Daring

Abstract

Well well, the season is approaching, no, not Christmas you jovial fool, the season of the 2012 London Mayoral Elections. That event that’s smaller and cheaper than the Olympics but much more interesting.

The IIPBA has been awash with discussions, debates, brainstorms and long-haul Twister -thons in an attempt to compare, interpret and analyse the two frontrunners – Filthy Ken and Blundering Boris.

As the IIPBA is strictly non-partisan, we thought we would start with a clear and transparent summary of the two cheeky chappies’ achievements to date, marked with our own, patented, non-bureaucratic point-scoring system.

Clear and Transparent Summary of Achievements

Transport for London – Filthy Ken (1 point)

Oyster Card – Filthy Ken (3 points, it’s such a great name for something, isn’t it? And the blue is just so calming)

Boris’ Barclay’s Bikes – Filthy Ken (6 points) (Yeah, we know, it’s a fucking sham that Boris got his little flappers on the bike scheme, what an arse.) We have awarded 2 extra points as the Boris Bikes directly contribute to an increase in drunken, warbling hipsters pedalling around Shoreditch at silly o clock.

First person to breed the Western Dwarf Clawed Frog Hymenochirus curtipes in captivity – Filthy Ken (12 points) (yes, it is true. Thank you Internet. Thank you Wikipedia.)

Randomly painting already existing roads Tory blue, calling them a cycle superhighway and watching as cyclists everywhere speed to there deaths – Blundering Boris (-1 point)

Winning the London Olympic Bid – Filthy Ken (- 4 points)

Waving a broom in the air in Peckham to prevent himself being mobbed by angry yuppies – The Blunderer (1 point)

Not waving a broom in the air in Peckham to prevent himself being mobbed by angry yuppies – The Filthster (3 points)

Concluding remarks

We commend Boris’s apparent inability to achieve anything. We are currently distilling our own commemorative IIPBA Gin, to be bottled under the title ‘Boris’ Lethargy’. We think it will be a hit in the Russian markets.

Filthy Ken’s fantastically sordid private life also garners him an extra 100 points, yeah, keep shagging Ken.

Totals

Ken – 121 points
Boris – 1 point

Through this non-partisan, in depth, quasi-methodological analysis of both the qualitative, quantitative and the absurd, the IIPBA notes that Boris’s bumbling inactivity would produce a sum total of zero bureaucracy. Therefore we recommend him as the future overseer of the post-bureaucratic City of London.

Stick to the bloody newts Ken.

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