Thinking Paper # 35: David Cameron's political obituary

By Ron Ford-Golightly

Abstract

Odds have been slashed for David Cameron to resign as Prime Minister and the BBC are rumoured to have already written his political obituary. But how would his political obituary read? What achievements can he point to? Is he the Prime Minister with the softest skin? Or the pinkest? The IIPBA speculates.


The political obituary

David Cameron was born as a fully formed adult male with pink smooth skin and a roast pheasant tucked under his arm. After leaving the womb of a Lady who lived on a rather large estate in Oxfordshire, he was beckoned to Buckingham Palace by the Queen who told him at the age of 22 that he was going to be Prime Minister because he had the right sort of blood. He entered a building in Westminster and started giving speeches without notes and then he told everyone to be nice to people. He made friends with a chap called Gideon who shared his opinion that the Conservative party had to pretend to be electable and they both enrolled in a part time course at Luton College in advanced Tony Blair studies.

He went onto win an election or something with 17% of the vote. The Queen said that it was about time we had some Royal blood back in Government and then put her hat on ready for the big day. He began ushering in a post bureaucratic age and demanded that poor people give up their jobs so that they could work for free to make society really big. He went around making some speeches and statements about this and that. Arguably, his greatest achievement as Prime Minister was to make Nick Clegg the whipping boy for all of the worst policies to come out of the Coalition. During this time he and Gideon ate roast pheasant and drank Champagne secretly in Gideon's shoe cupboard.

He left No10 under a hailstorm of dead Libyans, unemployed people and culled badgers. The size of his bald spot was finally revealed to be 6cm by 6cm. Simon Hoggart of the Guardian was invited to form a new government following a landslide electoral victory in which a new box was created on voting slips which allowed everyone who didn't want to vote for a political party to vote for Simon Hoggart.