Thinking Paper - Porn you like‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

The IIPBA learnt this morning that four web providers are set to offer customers the option to block pornographic content at the point at which they subscribe. The IIPBA takes you through what a conversation might look like between a husband and wife discussing this new offer.

Woman: "Nice day at work darling?"

Man: "Brilliant thanks, I looked at a spreadsheet all day and made loads of money etc"

Woman: "Have you seen this new offer by X to provide a block on pornographic content when you subscribe with them?"

Man: "Errr, no I haven't. You know, I've been really busy with spreadsheets and outlook calendars".

Woman: "I think it's a really good idea. It'll help protect little Jimmy from getting too sexy".

Man: "Errr, I'm not sure darling. Is it such a good idea?". (man begins to look shifty and shows signs of early perspiration)

Woman: "Of course it is. Think about little Jimmy"

Man: "Jimmy's fine. What's for tea?"

Woman: "Why won't you think of Jimmy?"

Man: "Is that chicken casserole I can smell?"

Woman: "JIMMY NEEDS PROTECTING FROM SEXY STUFF"

Man: "mmm, I love chicken casserole. So it's settled then. We'll stick with our existing internet provider which offers no safeguards against sexy stuff. It's probably for the best"

Thinking Paper #146: Liam Fox and Adam Werrity: Q&A‏

Abstract

Liam Fox? That's the question on everyone's lips. The IIPBA has the answers.


What is a Liam Fox?

A Liam Fox is said to be quite a common type of homosapien. The IIPBA completely rejects this notion, and would like to reiterate that Dr Fox is happily married to a stout-looking lady called Jesme. We have noticed in recent days that, by his own admission, a Liam Fox is a "very sorry".

What is the difference between "baseless allegations" and "very sorry"?

A few videos which shoot really big holes in your story.

What is an Adam Werrity?

An Adam Werrity is quite a clever species of human. By his very nature, an Adam Werrity is a skilled manipulator of people. Werrity's specialise in targeting potentially powerful individuals and then riding their tailcoats into the sunset.

Does this go on a fair bit of the time?

Almost certainly. Jobs for the buoys. Whaaaaayyyyy

How many business cards did Adam Werrity actually carry?

He carried 37 business cards in total. The IIPBA's favourite is the one which reads "Adam Werrity - part time twat, full time penis"

What happened in room 341?

All sorts of stuff really. Emails, haircuts, Sri Lankans, erm, national security secrets etc.

What is a self-styled advisor?

Whitehall sources suggest that a self-styled advisor is someone who can comb his own hair and tie his own tie (double Windsor of course).

What will Dave say?

Well, he's already said that he wants answers on his desk by this morning. That's about now. Then he will say, "get over here now Liam. You've been a right naughty pickle. I'm afraid we're gonna have to chuck you out and get David Laws back in the Cabinet somewhere".

What will actually happen?

The poor bureaucrat charged with leading the inquiry will get so confused by all of Adam Werrity's business cards that she will abandon her career in the civil service and sail around the world where she will enjoy eating lovely pieces of tropical fruit and such like.

Thinking Paper #145: Chris Huhne: A rather fun distraction‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

It’s really very difficult to be interested in anything else when Chris Huhne is around. For me, he’s become a must watch Minister, mainly due to fact that he balances a wonderful combination of being slightly pompous with a nice element of being rather easy to ridicule. In addition to this, he’s got a lovely haircut, not like that awkward back comb that the Prime Minister enjoys.


Chris Huhne: A rather fun distraction‏

Things that I’ve liked about Chris Huhne recently:

1) He was the only Cabinet Minister to be quoted in defence of Liam “Fox in the box” Fox. When asked he said that Liam “should be seen as innocent until proven guilty”. This is particularly fun given the existing police investigations into whether or not he is able to drive a car (or something)

2) He got himself into a hole this week for accidentally making a private tweet public. He then said sorry to Theresa May for saying that she looked like Nigel Farrage. Which she doesn't. In the opinion of the IIPBA she looks more like a rather beautiful bird of prey e.g. an Osprey

3) Half of the Cabinet keep making jibes about him in public.

4) He tried to reflect ongoing accusations about his speeding habits onto Phil “the haircut” Hammond by claiming that big Phil had recently received points for speeding. Spads at the department for transport denied this. Who cares? I for one am enjoying the transport related negative briefing against one another.

5) Although they didn’t happen this week I can always cheer myself up by reminding myself that (a) he claims to be the most economically literate member of the cabinet (is this depressing or laughable - I can’t decide) (b) his middle name is Murray

Conclusion

Have a nice week Chris

Thinking Paper #144 - Happy birthday David Cameron

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

Our beloved Prime Minister is 45 today. A fine age sir. Happy Birthday. To celebrate, the IIPBA has arranged an evening with our trustees and sponsors to which the Prime Minister is invited in the open letter below.


Happy birthday David Cameron

Dear Prime Minister,

We would like to extend our warm congratulations on reaching the ripe age of 45. May we be so bold as to invite you to an evening soiree at The Harp public house opposite the Post Office just off of Trafalgar square? Toby Young has yet to RSVP but we expect him to be attending. The same goes for our favourite reader, would-be trustee and all round splendid chap, Gabriel Milland.

We presumed that you may have had alternative plans so we have taken the liberty of also inviting your wife and close friends who have all RSVPed.
Celebrations will kick off from 7pm. Your first drink is free, but this excludes double measures on spirits apart from house spirits. There will be a George Osborne themed quiz and stimulating conversation about your bald spot.

We do hope that you can make it,

Kind regards,
The IIPBA
　
　

Thinking Paper #143: #catgate revisited - An open letter to Ranzo Avila‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

The IIPBA writes to Ranzo Avila, the ailurophile at the centre of the #catgate scandal which has torn our country apart.



An open letter to Ranzo Avila‏

Dear Ranzo "the Bolivian" Avila,

We'll get straight to the point, the IIPBA are STILL looking to fill vacancies on our board of trustees after being so cruelly snubbed by Toby Young, Simon Hoggart and Pippa Middleton. We think that you would make an ideal candidate and we would therefore like to invite you to join the IIPBA board.

The IIPBA have been very impressed with the way that you have handled being used as a political football by those pesky Tories and have requested a public apology on your behalf from the Home Secretary. We think that your shop lifting past (4 items from the Debenhams on Oxford Street in 2007) and of course your status as an immigrant will add real strength and depth to the IIPBA team which is mostly made up of polytechnic drop outs and Spanish artists.

The IIPBA have always been strong supporters of everything Bolivian. For example, in 1998 Tim and Ron went on a fact finding mission to Sucre where for the first time, they felt their political and moral compasses being shaped. They had a joyful time there enjoying the Salteñas in the morning and the Chiquas in the evening.

Anyway Ranzo - let us know. And please be aware, you are dealing with a deeply hurt institution which has already received many cuts from insensitive celebrities who have rejected our advances.

Treat us gently.

Kind regards,

The IIPBA team

Thinking Paper #142 – Reshuffle roundup

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

Red Ed's done an reshuffle. Here are the headlines.


Reshuffle roundup

• Eddie “the Eagle” Edwards is to become Shadow Leader of the House

• Chuka Ummuna will become Shadow Business Secretary in what Labour insiders are describing as “An in-joke about how little respect we have for Vince Cable”.

• Mark Wright from The Only Way is Essex (TOWIE) is to be enobled and will become Labour's Shadow Minister for Defence Procurement. He will also lead a review of semi-professional football, adopting the style Baron Tottenham Hotspur.

• John Healey has resigned in order to spend more time “openly talking to his wife about what a bad job Ed is doing”.

• Ivan Lewis is to be demoted for being “an arsehole”.

• That one who defeated Portillo in 1997 is being promoted for being the only Labour MP willing to serve in Ed's Shadow Cabinet who any real person has actually heard of.

• IIPBA favourite Shaun Woowar appears to have been retired. At this point we feel duty-bound to remind everyone Shaun doesn't have a butler, and we should all stop going on about it at every available opportunity.

• Peter Hain hangs on as Shadow Wales Secretary. He is said to have promised Ed he will buy a hoody in what is fast becoming a ground war to look as 'street' as Cheryl Gillan.

• Little-known MP for Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath, James Gordon Brown appears to have been passed over for promotion due to a rumour about rocking horses.

Conclusion

It will make no difference at all, as Ed Miliband will never be Prime Minister.

Friday's Thinking Points

With Ron Ford Golightly and Tim Massingberd James

Friday's Thinking Points

• Excellent news...Sarah Palin has decided not to run for Republican candidate for the 2012 US Presidential elections. The whole world breathes a collective sigh of relief, increasing CO2 levels by 7 billion percent.

• Dave wasted an hour of all our time trying to summon the "Bulldog spirit" in the British public during an intentionally lacklustreTory conference. The conference comes to a close and the IIPBA sums it up in four words: cats, bulldogs [and] hush puppies.

• Our creator, and the leader of all mankind, Steve Jobs has died.

• Following the downgrading of Italy's credit rating, Silvio Berlusconi has consoled himself by arranging an orgy with several close family members, an afternoon of Roman gladiatorial bloodiness and an attempt to annex Ethiopia using mustard gas and tanks

• The FTSE did something but no one reported it, then it bounced back again. The media might want to learn something from this.

• Preston bus station has been placed on a list of the top eight places to catch a bus in Preston.

• George Osborne still says that his economic plan is "credible". The Bank of England begs to differ and goes ahead with printing some more money.

• Merv says that this is the worst economic crash ever, causing the IIPBA to downshift from Twinings to Tescos Finest teabags.