Thinking Paper # 23: George Osborne: Fact and Fiction

By Ron Ford-Golightly

Abstract

Journalists have spent a lot of time and energy of late discussing the Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne. Some of these journalists are friends of George and tend to write quite nice things. Others are scared of his rather intrusive nose and write what they are told. The predominant focus has been on his candidacy for Tory leadership for the 2015/2020 general elections; his rivalry with Mayor Johnson; and whether or not his nose is his second bottom. This paper aims to dispel fact from fiction.Fact

• His real first name is Gideon but he changed it to George because he thought Gideon was a type of poor person.
• His nose doubles up as a Treasury spokesperson when he is asleep.
• He once told Danny Alexander, Chief Secretary to the Treasury that he could have a lift home in his ministerial car. When Danny tried to get in he pretended that the door was locked and got his chauffeur to drive off really quickly.
• He has successfully managed to ridicule Danny Alexander in several other ways, namely, making him the face for all of the most electorally damaging policies emerging from the Treasury.
• When he was 14 he went out with Kat from Eastenders, aka Jessie Wallace.
• He is the heir to the Osborne baronetcy of Ballentaylor, in County Tipperary, and Ballylemon, in County Waterford. However, his first job was entering the names of dead people into a national database super computer. He also briefly worked for BHS, re-folding towels

Fiction

• His nose is not his second bottom, but it has been known to fart when he is nervous. Especially around pretty girls.
• He won't be Tory leader or the next Prime Minister for several reasons: it has been reported that Ed Miliband has been reading Margaret Thatcher's 1979 election manifesto (I presume this will be enough to secure victory at the 2015 general election); Mayor Johnson is actually rather charismatic and clever (he quotes Shakespeare in media interviews) and might therefore pip young Gideon to the post; his nose, despite not being his second bottom, makes him look and sound rather silly.

I'd like to take some time at the end of this paper to issue a personal thank you to our new illustrator, Miguel Rodriguez Murcianado. Over the past month or so, Miguel has provided beautiful and quirky illustrations to accompany our papers which I think you'll agree, are rather good. For more information about our new illustrator, please visit our 'Staff' section on the website.

Thinking Paper # 22: Who's funnier: Dave or Nick?

By Ron Ford-Golightly

Abstract

We got lazy on this one and just wanted to show you this picture. It's brilliant.



The Analysis

Nick cracks a joke, President Obama laughs, Cameron looks like the school bully who's been outdone by the geeky kid. In other news, David Cameron makes a joke about having sex with the wife of the MP for Wellingborough, Peter Bone.

Mr Peter Bone: Yesterday, I had a meeting with a constituent who I know can be very difficult at times. She was exceptionally happy and was singing the praises of the Prime Minister because we will not be involved in the Greek bail-out, and because after 2013 we will not be involved in any bail-outs. However, Mrs Bone wanted to know whether, if a bail-out came before 2013, Britain would vote no in any case, despite qualified majority voting. She would be very happy if the Prime Minister gave that undertaking, and it would be really helpful for the Bone household if he could.

The Prime Minister: I feel that a very big part of my life is spent trying to give pleasure to Mrs Bone. On this occasion, I can go only so far.

Thinking Paper # 21: What is the right thing to do?

By Ron Ford-Golightly

Abstract

Policy making has previously been a highly complex, lengthy and often tedious process, but not for David Cameron. The IIPBA carried out some in-depth qualitative analysis of the Prime Minister's rhetoric and uncovered the following: not only is he better spoken than the Queen, but since becoming Prime Minister, he's craftily managed to bypass the policy making process, replacing it with something which can only be referred to as "slightly terrifying". Bang goes Tony's sofa government, raise your glasses and give a warm welcome to the "the right thing to do" coalition of the future.


"The right thing to do" or a rather slack justification for making decisions?

From foreign policy to economic theory, David Cameron loves doing the "right thing". Ever since he was 4 years old, all he has wanted to do is the "right thing", that's why he now eats his greens. Terrifyingly for the British public (and for that matter, the population of Afghanistan and Libya), he's decided to bypass the traditional method of policy making i.e. listen, learn, reflect, write, review, listen etc and replace it with his rather vague and narrow sense of what is "right". On the face of it, no, when looked at from any angle or distance, this is decidedly slack.

The Evidence

When he became Prime Minister, he pledged "not to stick stubbornly to a course if it wasn't the right thing to do" (May, 2010). Well readers, you will be reassured that:

• When commenting on the formation of the Coalition with the Liberal Democrats, the Prime Minister said that he "thought that was the right thing to do" (May 2010). In private, our sources suggest that he also believes "it is the right thing to do" to let Steve Hilton not wear shoes around No10.

• Regarding the Afghan National Army he decided quite out of the blue that "It is the right thing to do to build up the Afghan National Army" (July 2010) - those lucky little Afghans. "The compass says 'it's right' - the Afghans shall have an army" (Cameron: 11:34).

• Upon making the decision to go to Zurich to help with the England World Cup 2018 campaign our beloved leader said "I wouldn't be going to Zurich and putting all the effort in if I didn't think it was the right thing to do" (November 2010) - of course he wouldn't

• On cutting the deficit he stated that "The national interest dictates that we do the right thing" (January 2011) - the national interest also suggests that people need healthcare, security and to learn things.

• He said the UN resolution on Libya and imposing a no-fly-zone was "the right thing to do" (March, 2011) - marginally better reasons than Tony.

• On ringfencing the aid budget he said "it is absolutely the right thing to do" (June 2011) - note the slight change of rhetoric. I liked this one

• And most recently, on restraining the prisons budget, he said that "the right thing to do is to reform prison." (June 2011).*

These are all actual quotes. Yes, we usually make things up at the IIPBA, but we felt this sufficiently serious to be truthful.

Conclusion

This message goes out specifically to Civil Servants - Please get a grip of your policy areas and send emails that will probably never be read to No10 with evidence, justification and explanation for policy positions. Don't take this wave or "rightness" lying down.

To our Post-bureaucratic age followers - Be heartened by the Prime Minister's willingness to cut through unnecessary red tape and health and safety regulations when making policy. Walk confidently down your street chanting these simple words when challenged - "it's the right thing to do".

UPDATE

Shit the bed, it's spreading. Just flagged to us by our Qualitative Analysis Team: in response to news that David Cameron eventually decided to wear a morning suit to the royal wedding, London Mayor, 7th in line to the throne, and good friend of DC's, Boris Johnson declared that "I think it's the right thing to do". Taking the piss or the spread of a political virus? Comments please.

Thinking Paper # 20: The Steve Hilton Factor‏

By Ron Ford-Golightly

Abstract

The right wing press are alleging that Steve Hilton, David Cameron's foot masseur, is on his way out of No10. Our sources suggest that he is threatening to take the cat with him. We consulted several frontline staff at the Jobcentre Plus in Catford and came up with a list of alternative jobs for Steve in the sad event of him leaving No10.




Steve Hilton - The background
Steve Hilton is part Hungarian and an expert podiatrist. He likes nothing more than rubbing Arnica salve into the Prime Minister's feet after a day of fighting the Little Society. Outside of work he really likes spending time with his favourite laptop, telling everyone how big his "society" is and coming up with ideas that will help cover the Prime Minister's expanding bald patch. On the latter point, Whitehall sources suggest that he has recently recruited Wayne Rooney to be the Prime Minister's Follicle adviser.

Catford Jobcentre Plus - The Staff
In this section we'd like to send a warm thank you to the staff at Catford Jobcentre Plus who made this paper happen. Specific thanks go to Jules, Andy, Cleo, Leo and Xeo.

Steve Hilton - The Job Offers

The staff at Catford Jobcentre Plus worked day and night consulting colleagues across the globe, specifically Vietnam and the US, to bring together a list of options for Steve to consider. They received hundreds of lucrative offers from banks, oil companies and other such firms who like to exploit on a global scale. In the end they picked the posts they thought were most suitable for Steve:

1. Sexy videos: Some lude US websites are said that to be very impressed with Steve's CV and have plenty of vacancies for male actors who understand feet. Contract and pay details are sketchy but negotiable and it is suggested that it would be best to keep details about any such work from his wife.

2. Vietnamese Tourist Board (VTB): The VTB were very keen to put Steve's experience and passion in the Big Society to good use. They offered a job as "Strategic Advisor to the CEO on the Big Society - Vietnam style" on a 2 year loan with opportunities for extension. Contract details were once again sketchy but they said that he would get free suits and that it was "ok" if he didn't want to wear shoes around the office.

3. Sock model for BHS: In a surprising move, BHS approached Catford Jobcentre Plus after reading the right wing press running the Hilton story. They said that they were looking for someone who was bald and had experience working in central government to be their "Next top sock model 2011". Jules at Catford Jobcentre Plus said that this role seemed to be "sent from heaven".

Recommendations

Steve - take the job at BHS - you'd be brilliant

Thanks for reading

p.s. Big shout out to Keith Adams - thanks for following Keith

Thinking Paper # 19: Who is the "Daddy of all Quangos?"

By Ron Ford-Golightly

Abstract

Alan Milburn recently claimed that the NHS Commissioning Board was "the daddy of all quangos". This got us thinking here at the IIPBA so we sat down over a cupcake which cost us £5 and set about answering three fundamental questions: Who is Alan Milburn? Is he right? And who is the real daddy of the the quangos?


The NHS Commissioning Board - THE TRUTH

The NHS is massive. No wait, it's bigger. And the NHS Commissioning Board, according to "Milburnism", is in overall control now of the NHS. This puts it in a pretty good position for the title. As a side note, and if you hadn't noticed, the NHS is being reformed to make it post-bureaucratic. Since David Cameron was 4 years old, all he has wanted to do is reform the NHS to make it post-bureaucratic. Up until the "Great Pause of 2011" he believed that the answer lay in handing healthcare over to Tescos and other such multibillion pound businesses who will definitely put healthcare before profit. The "Great Pause of 2011" is still ongoing.

What is Milburnism?

It doesn't exist - nor for the record does Blairism, Thatcherism or Brownism (sorry John). They're made up.

Other contenders for the title

Oh God, who cares. Maybe the Crown Prosecution Service. Maybe not. The cupcake was eaten quite early on in the "brainstorming" session, people got bored and the conversation petered out.

Recommendations

Our general advice to the PM, which doesn't really apply to this paper, is just to say that you will do things because you don't have to bother actually doing them. No one will really notice, and if they do, it's unlikely that they will care, particularly if it is about Quangos.

Thinking paper #18 – Why is everyone banging on about cupcakes?

By Tim Massingberd-James

Abstract

Everyone is banging on about cupcakes nowadays, and for the heterosexual male it is rather confusing. They're not as nice as a bacon sandwich, they look funny, they're expensive and pointless. However, girls seem to love them, and it is rather difficult to work out why. In this paper we examine some possible explanations.


Sex and the City

In something called Sex and the City, horsefaced Sarah Jessica Parker and her ageing friends apparently spend a lot of time eating cupcakes at a Magnolia Bakery in New York, biting into them seductively whilst gossiping about who they have shagged.

We are told that this was part of the birth of the trend, as unhappy middle-aged women around the world realised they couldn't have meaningless sex with well hung, attractive men, or live fabulous lives with the sisterhood in New York. The only thing they could replicate about their favourite TV charade was the cupcakes.

Cupcakes became fashionable, and queues for the Magnolia bakery stretched for miles. Inevitably, unhappy women around the world started baking them and setting up copycat shops, and gay men followed because they also wanted to be fabulous, and spent a lot of time with the unhappy women.

Nostalgia

Many of us ate cupcakes when we were children. Our mothers baked them for us and we liked the look of them, because they were small and we were small. They were also full of sugar, which we loved, and looked interesting, unlike sponge cakes.

Everyone alive wishes they were children again, and they wouldn't have to worry about boring things like money and going to work. Many believe that by eating cupcakes they will become young again, and try it to see if it works. It does not. This makes people more unhappy, and they eat more cupcakes.

Cost & Tax on Cake

Baking a cupcake costs a few pence, but they often retail for in excess of £2.50. In capitalist terms, this makes them a particularly attractive item, especially because under British Tax law VAT is not paid on cakes, and anything over the price of basic ingredients is pure profit.

Both unhappy 'successful' single women of a certain age and gay men often have a large amount of disposable income and want to spend it on something which will make them happy. For some reason, they believe that cake is always the answer, and think that paying £2.50 for something that is pretty and full of sugar and fat will be the answer to all their problems. Exactly the same rule applies to men and pints of beer, except the tax regime is not so lucrative, so breweries have to aim for volume.

Conclusion

Cupcakes are cheap to produce and hold the promise of a return to childhood, sugar, fat and being as utterly fabulous as the horse-face one from Sex and the City. Only the sugar and fat are real, in any sense, but their purchasers and those who sell them are afraid to admit this, as the arrangement is going pretty well for both of them.

Thinking paper #17 - Should politicians stop reading Tony Blair’s autobiography?

By Jacinta Burrow

Abstract

In his attempts to reform public services, a Prime Minister adopts as his mantra “modernise or die”. He wants to get the reorganisation done quickly before it’s too late and he has to leave Downing Street, or before he gets distracted by a foreign war.

Westminster insiders and supporters of the Royal British Legion will recognise this as the plot of Tony Blair’s A Journey. But David Cameron has also borrowed heavily from chapter 16 of Tony’s meisterwerk entitled “Domestic Reform” (pp. 480-511), as well as sections in “Departure” (pp.626-664) and “We Govern in Prose” (pp.200-223), for his proposed changes to the NHS.

So we at IIPBA got to thinking: what can we usefully learn from A Journey? Should it be used as the basis for all future policy making? Was there politics before fake tan?
What can we usefully learn from A Journey?

David Cameron can learn a lot. Being a modern Prime Minister is not only about starting sentences with “look”, drinking tea from a mug and letting photographers join you on your family holiday. Tony Blair managed to sort out Northern Ireland, invent “Cool Britannia”, make friends with Colonel Gaddafi (?), introduce the minimum wage and execute an illegal (?) war, while still finding time to get his wife pregnant and appear in The Simpsons.

The IIPBA has identified the key themes for our 52nd Prime Minister:

1. Leadership is all about “balls”: No not that one (although there is a fantastic moment on page 485 when Tony deliberately provokes Ed into a fury: “after all, I was prime minister”. Fantastic stuff). Rupert Murdoch has “balls”. Alastair Campbell has “clanking great balls”. The IIPBA would like to see more evidence of Dave’s balls. Remember that time when Tony rescued someone from drowning? Maybe Steve Hilton (see Thinking Paper #15) could engineer photos of Dave wrestling a tiger or performing the Heimlich manoeuvre on a Garden Girl? Something like that.

2. Don’t neglect the smallest room: “I am very typically British”, Tony tells us. “I like to have time and comfort in the loo. The bathroom is an important room, and I couldn’t live in a culture that doesn’t respect it. Anyway, that is probably more than you ever wanted to know”. The IIPBA agrees with that final statement. It hopes David Cameron ate plenty of salad with his burgers and sausage at the recent Obama-cue.

3. When you’ve stopped being Prime Minister you can say whatever the hell you want: Tony describes failingsecondary schools as “basket cases”, the Scottish media as “a PhD dissertation about chippiness”, and his former Chancellor as “a strange guy” (p.616). Whilst the IIPBA awaits Dave’s memoirs with something very nearly bordering on mild curiosity, it is its considered view that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should any Prime Minister record his or her sex life for posterity (p.65 of A Journey). Dave, no one wants to read about the conception of Florence Rose Endellion. Thank you.

Conclusion

A Journey proves that Tony is awesome but it is very much a reflection, not a guide to being a Prime Minister. IIPBA would not advocate policy-making based on its tenets because that would Britain like Niyazov-era Turkmenistan and the Daily Mail has enough to deal with, what with the European Union and all. The IIPBA worries about how much fake tan there is in politics these days.