Thinking Paper #154: BREAKING NEWS: Fatties should eat less, exercise more‏

By Alexis Horner

Abstract

Hold your headlines; stop the press. Really, stop twittering in the back. Our sedentary society needs a kick up the backside and onto the scales. The government’s obesity strategy has broken the news that we all need to eat less and exercise more in order to lose those muffin-tops, moobs and cankles.


Fatties should eat less, exercise more‏

Here at the IIPBA, we think that they think that we don’t know they think we are stupid. The report, part of the government’s streamlining and efficiency strategy, goes on to advise the following:

1: Lose your fat friends: even the image of extra weight puts on the pounds. Your social circles may shrink 60%, but it’s all in aid of austerity Britain.

2: Make everything greener: that means paint your walls green, re-lay grassy carpets and sleep on a bed of spinach. Healthy room, healthy mind.

3: Run, rabbit, run: The new Work Programme relies on Jobseekers proving their ‘worth’ by running to the JobCentre. If you don’t exceed your Personal Best, you don’t get a gold ‘deserving poor’ mark on your records.

Conclusion

For all of you who were, like us, under the impression that weight gain waxed and waned like the moon, lets streamline our lipids, maximise our efficiency and watch as Eric Pickles is gently edged out of cabinet. Long live Gr-eatless Britain.

Thinking Paper #153: The Liam Fox Calendar of Events‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

Some more Liam Fox related thoughts (poor Liam Fox)

The Liam Fox Calendar of Events‏

The Liam Fox media train rumbles on at top speed and the IIPBA is getting

bored/excited/Adam Werrity. In order to cut through the vast swathes of media babble the IIPBA provides you with a look ahead at key Liam Fox related dates.

Wednesday 12th October (midday): Ed Miliband to get really "angry" during PMQs and say things like "unacceptable", "the Prime Minister must show some leadership" and "do you like my new shadow cabinet - they're pretty aren't they?"

Thursday 13th October: A redtop newspaper to step ever closer to claiming that Liam Fox is gay with Chris Grayling or the mysterious man who stayed in the guest room. (Editor's note - Liam Fox is not gay and has a lovely wife called Jesme)

Friday 14th October: Under the joint guidance of Bill Clinton and Margaret Thatcher, Liam Fox to announce that the UK is at war with the Republic of Magestan.

Saturday 15th October: Everyone to have a nice lie-in and then go shopping for things.

Sunday 16th - Thursday 20th: Newspapers to run out of things to say and to concentrate instead on who Katie Price is marrying/divorcing/mating with.

Friday 21st October: Full report to be published into how many business cards Adam Werrity actually has. The Prime Minister to have a jolly good read of it and then boot it really hard into the long grass. Liam Fox to celebrate his survival with a knees up with Adam Werrity in Dubai alongside Silvio Berlusconi, Paul McCartney and Mrs Fox.

Thinking Paper #152: Chris Huhne and that AA survey‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

According to the latest AA survey, around 1% of drivers have swapped penalty points with another motorist to avoid losing their licence.

Chris Huhne and that AA survey‏

AA prime minister, Edmund King Of The Road said: "Our poll suggests that the equivalent of 300,000 drivers and possibly 1 Cabinet minister have admitted that they have persuaded other drivers to take their penalty points."

Chris Huhne's special advisor told the IIPBA that Huhne "didn't even know what a car was, let alone an ex-wife."

The investigation continues...

Thinking Paper #151 - Common(s) Bureaucracy

By Jacinta Burrow

Abstract

Hello again, post-bureaucracy fans! Apologies for my recent silence (the super-injunction’s all sorted now, thanks for asking), but I return with momentous news: the House of Commons Commission has done a new report responding to the new report by the Administration Committee on parliamentary catering arrangements (bureaucracy is alive and well and living in a palace by the River Thames). The IIPBA has skim-read it while waiting for the kettle to boil and has scribbled down the very bestest bits.

The Report’s Best Bits

Committee Recommendation 9 stated “The management of the service needs to respond more quickly and effectively to complaints about poor service” and suggested the introduction of a “‘mystery shopper’ programme”. Can the IIPBA suggest that Gordon Brown be inducted into this scheme? His scarce appearances in the Commons mean that no one will expect him to rock up and sample the new range of floured baps and his dour facial features will give nothing away about his scoring of the new facilities.

Committee Recommendation 15 was that “all Peers should be able to use the Members’ Dining Room at lunch times…” Quoth the Commission, “this may prove to be a contentious matter amongst Members… Discussions will be held with the House of Lords about this”. Now apart from that annual unpleasantness with Black Rod getting a door slammed in his face, is there really such beef between the Commons and Lords? If so, the IIPBA suggests the HoP slims down its £5.7m annual catering loss by selling tickets for some bare-knuckle brawling. Pete “the Dark Lord” Mandelson against Tom “Twiggy” Watson would be an especially spicy fixture.

“More can be done to vary the food styles on offer… There is a gap for the provision of mid-level, high street type offers such as pizza, pasta, Thai, Indian, Chinese or sushi…”, says Committee Recommendation 19. That’s right, folks. It’s 2011 and our elected representatives have just discovered it is possible to eat fish raw. If it wasn’t in the prep school tuck box, it just doesn’t get a look in.

At 27, the Committee recommends that a “self-clear” policy be extended to more Commons outlets. The Commission agrees, but “the clearing systems will need careful design”. Is it too much to expect that those who vote for new laws and send our troops into battle also know, when push comes to shove, how to position their knife and fork to indicate that they’ve finished and how to stack a tray? Yes. That’s why they employ a highly qualified, long-suffering staff.

The IIPBA’s favourite recommendation is number 33 in which our heroes on the Administration Committee suggest that “Moncrieff’s cafebar be renamed Annie’s Bar”. The Commission supports this, with a caveat: “it will be called simply ‘Annie’s’, to avoid it being seen primarily as a drinking establishment”. Have the Commission’s members never met a Member of Parliament? Were it not for g, and indeed t, nothing in Westminster would ever get done. (Please see Thinking Paper #3 for more IIPBA thoughts on the importance of alcohol to our politics, especially to the “new” kind).

Conclusion

The House of Commons Commission (membership 6, plus a Secretary and two Assistant Secretaries) was responding to recommendations from the House of Commons Administration Committee (membership 20, plus a Clerk, a Committee Assistant and a “Media Officer”). The Post-Bureaucratic Age is as far off as ever: ARE YOU LISTENING, LETWIN?

Thinking Paper #150 - Happy Birthday, Lady Thatcher

By Jacinta Burrow

Abstract

Margaret Hilda Thatcher (née Roberts), aka Baroness Thatcher of Kesteven in the County of Lincolnshire, and our forty-ninth Prime Minister, “The Thatch” is 86 today. The IIPBA (especially your humble author) salutes her.


Key achievements

In The Good Old Days before Tony Blair went and spoiled it all and turned Labour into a credible party of government, The Blessed Margaret won three elections on the bounce. The Sisterhood would like to pretend that she was actually a man, but she WAS the first female Prime Minister and that is awesome. Just imagine what Harriet Harperson could achieve if she didn’t spend all her time arguing for special treatment (I know. It just doesn’t bear thinking about).

Whilst Tony and Cherie popped out a fourth child for the benefit of the Murdoch press, The Thatch would not let a little thing like childbirth distract from the business of carving out a career. She squeezed out twins, had a quick shower and then went straight out and qualified as a barrister specialising in taxation.

Maggie had no idea who Monty Python was and was by all accounts very mean to Geoffrey Howe, but she enjoyed a close relationship with Ronald “The Gipper” Reagan after waving her trademark handbag around and ending the Cold War. The trick came in handy again when she told those pesky Argies to get the hell out of the Falkland Islands. That photo of her atop a British tank is to this day laminated and handed out to adolescent male delegates at Conservative Party Conference.

In 1996, Geri Halliwell declared that Maggie was the “first Spice Girl” and originator of “Girl Power”, which surely explains Eminem’s dilemma in the 1999 hit My Name Is (“I can’t figure out which Spice Girl I want to impregnate”). The Russkies nicknamed her “The Iron Lady” and Arthur Scargill had several names for her that it is impossible to repeat on a family think-site.

She may have done a bit of milk snatching and tried to introduce the Poll Tax, but she also let lots of people buy their own houses, she told the trade unions that they wouldn’t fall down dead if they occasionally turned up to work and she told the EU that Britain was jolly well going to grow crooked carrots if it wanted to.

Conclusion

If you’re still not convinced, ask yourself how many times you’ve eaten a 99 with a flake and enjoyed it. That ice cream, my doubting friends, was based on a chemical formula developed by the one, the only, The Thatch. She also remains one of the only people in the world recognisable solely by her hairstyle. Happy birthday, Maggie!

Thinking Paper #149: Gus O'Donnell - An IIPBA tribute‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

Terrible news folks, the Cabinet secretary and head of civil service, Gus O'Donnell has decided to retire. The IIPBA pays tribute.

Gus O'Donnell - An IIPBA tribute‏

Here at the IIPBA, we quite like Gus, mainly because his intials are GOD, but also because he seems like a thoroughly bloody good chap.

Gus has been a civil servant since he was 4 years old. At the age of 4 and a half he officially became a girl as part of his family's "Equality and Diversity Strategy". At 5 he implemented his first "far reaching inquiry" and by the age of 8 he had executed his first "cross Whitehall reform programme". At the age of nine he received top marks in his "Balanced scorecard appraisal" and was chosen to one day be the highest ranking Civil Servant in the country.

Up until his announced retirement today aged 59, Gus did loads of stuff including reprimanding Tony Blair for putting his feet up on the Cabinet table and telling Gordon Brown that he should cut down on his intake of scotch eggs. During his time as Press Secretary to the Prime Minister from 1990 to 1994, he was also responsible for telling John Major the cricket scores, after Norman Lamont banned Test Match Special from Cabinet Meetings.

When asked by the IIPBA what his favourite bit about being a civil servant was, he replied working flexi-time (he is currently a hundred hours down, but hopes this will be forgotten when he leaves) "going on the internet all day", and the gold-plated taxpayers money pension.

Conclusion

Happy retirement GOD.

Thinking Paper #148: Political speeches - some research‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

The IIPBA watched Liam Fox's statement earlier this week with a nagging feeling that something was missing. We came to the realisation that it was Liam Fox. The same feeling struck us as we watched three weeks worth of politicians saying things on our TVs. They were absent behind the eyes. The IIPBA dun some research.



The research

We asked 1,000 people "who are the best political speakers in the country at the moment?" 1,000 people responded with a really long silence and then a polite "excuse me I've got to get home for tea."

The analysis

1.) The gradual bureaucratisation (booooo) of politics, means that politicians read speeches written for them by somebody else. Usually, a young whipper snapper of a high flying civil servant who has forgotten how to emote.

2.) This leads to politicians being made to feel that they're not real political leaders, but rather heads of large bureaucracies (booooo) or better still, actors reading from a really boring film script.

3.) The consequences are that they drift and they plod, extremely bored, through pages upon pages of bureaucrats' (booooo) handy work. They're bored, we're bored, even Kay Burley is bored.

4.) This has led to speech writers looking to add ‘rhetoric’ into a speech, such as using real people's names, to make them look like they know how humans talk (e.g."I met a black person called Clive the other week and he told me that immigration levels are too high...") .

The result

Our beloved leaders delivering speeches that, at one level, are boring, solid stuff and, at another level, cheap rhetoric.