Thinking Paper #30 – Does corruption make policemen better?

By Tim Massingberd-James

Abstract

Since the police began, some of them have probably been corrupt. The odd bribe is probably par for the course and most of them probably spend their weekends riding on the yachts of rich criminal overlords and staying for free at Champneys, but do the public think corruption makes them better or worse at their jobs?


The Met

John Yates and Sir Paul Stephenson, the Deputy and Chief Commissioners of the Met announced their resignation over the last couple of days, for reasons probably either related or unrelated to corruption in the force, or for buying a copy of the News of the World, or sleeping with Rebekah Brooks or something.

Research

Recent ficticious research by the IIPBA showed that 98% of the great British public would prefer police to be corrupt if it means more 'bobbies on the beat' (too far, too fast), and have watched enough films to know that corruption in the police is par for the course. 68% of respondents expressed 'extreme dissapointment' when they were told that recent resignations were something to do with Chris Bryant's voicemails, and 96% were a little bit sick in their mouths when it was revealed that one of John Prescott's voicemails was a dirty message from the fat oaf intended for long-suffering wife Pauline.

Conclusion

All police should be corrupt. It makes better national scandals. That sells more papers. Or something.

Thinking paper #29 – Are gingers more likely to crave the attention of antipodean billionaire media tycoons?

By Tim Massingberd-James

Abstract

Once, Rebekah Brooks was famous only for marrying Grant Mitchell. This week, she is the most famous ginger in the country, and is making headlines around the world, but are gingers more likely to crave the attention of antipodean billionaire media tycoons?


Schoolyard bullying

Gingers are often bullied at school, and independent IIPBA research shows this is even more likely if their fathers are tugboat drivers. As such, Rebekah Brooks might have faced a tough time during her days at Appleton Hall County Grammar School in Warrington, and this would have made her 189% more likely to crave the attention of a funny looking Australian who barely speaks.

The Grant Mitchell factor

Rebekah Brooks married Grant Mitchell in an Eastenders special double episode in June 2002, called “The Square goes to Vegas”. Dot Cotton was head bridesmaid. Brooks stared up at Grant's gurning face during sex until 2005, when she was arrested following an alleged assault on her husband. Putting up with Grant for three years is enough to make anyone to reach out for the attention of a Murdoch.

Phone Hacking

The papers say something about Rebekah Brooks and phone hacking. It is said that she and Grant conducted a plot to tap the phone of Billy Mitchell in order to procure crack for Phil Mitchell. Dot Cotton was head bridesmaid. Andy Coulson played Ian Beale's love interest, in a special double episode called “The Square listens to boring voicemails”. The Chief Constable of Walford Constabulary quit during Sunday night's episode, which was multicast live on Sky News and BBC News 24. Everyone scratched their heads and wondered who they were supposed to hate the most.

Conclusion

Like Mick Hucknall, Rebekah Brooks is a northern ginger, but there are lots of things for northern gingers to be happy about. The IIPBA thinks Brooks craves the Murdoch's attention because she has little personality and tired eyes. It has nothing to do with her gingerness.

Thinking paper #28 – Chipping Norton – All you need to know.

By Tim Massingberd-James

Abstract

We have heard a lot in recent days about the Chipping Norton Set, which includes David Cameron, Rebekah Brooks, Jeremy Clarkson, Alex James off of Blur, Matthew Freud, Elisabeth Murdoch, Ruby Wax and Kate Moss, but what does have to attract these people, or anyone?

Things in Chipping Norton

• Pubs

The following reviews from ChippingNorton.net give us a flavour of the nightlife in the town:

> The Blue Boar is a versatile kind of venue, which refuses to be categorised.
> The new tenants of the Red Lion say it is a traditional pub which sets the highest standards
>The Chequers is thought to date back to the late 1500's as a pub when it was identified by a sign of a blue anchor outside.

• Roads

Jeremy Clarkson reported in a recent episode of Top Gear that there are potholes on a roundabout. I wasn't really listening

• Post Offices

The Post Office is located at 20 High Street, Chipping Norton

• Telephones

Since 2009, Chipping Norton has had access to telephones. Rebekah likes this because she likes to not know anything about telling people to listen on the phones, or something.

• Massive expensive houses

Chipping Norton is surrounded by big expensive houses which are perfect for fencing off and not letting anyone into.

Conclusion

Chipping Norton looks dull, but it basically has everything. No wonder these rather boring people who are inexplicably famous like it.

Thinking Paper # 27: Danny Alexander: Fact and Fiction

Abstract

The third part of the fact and fiction series features the most annoying man in Westminster, not Ed Balls, but our beloved Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander. Our market research found that the general public couldn't quite say why Danny Alexander was so annoying but that he most definitely was. Anyway, the following bollocks was made up, but is hopefully plausible enough to be true.

Fact

• He was so upset that Rory Stewart got to go to this years Bilderberg conference that he ate a family sized boneless bucket from KFC in one sitting. Treasury officials who found him slumped at his desk afterwards said that his office smelt of "shame and sweat".
• He once made Adam Boulton of Sky News retch after farting during an interview. NB: Adam Boulton has quite a strong constitution.
• When you Google "Danny Alexander", the second result on the options drop down list is "Danny Alexander fart"
• He goes to the same hairdressers as Ed Balls.
• As head boy at Lochaber High School in Fort William, he was tasked with guarding a poo in the corridor following an incident with a very troubled young child. The teacher we spoke to said that Danny did a really good job of preventing the other students from walking in it.
• Despite being famous for farting on national television, he should be more famous for making 40,000 people unemployed in Aberdeen following a very lucrative, but socially destructive decision regarding North Sea oil.
• His favourite Eastenders character is Alfie, played by Shane Richie. He has tattoo of him on his back.

Thinking Paper # 26: Politicians haircuts - An insiders perspective

By Ronnie Ford-Golightly

Abstract

Over the past month or so we've been interviewing hairdressers from across Britain in the hope of gaining an insight into the whys and wherewithals of our political masters haircuts. We showed 50 hairdressers pictures of several politicians, but the focus rested on Ed Balls and David Cameron. Set out below are their comments.




Ed Balls

The predominant feeling with Ed Balls is that his hair is too small for his head. Jill from Chelmsford said "it looks like he's wearing a really small wig". Tony from Tony&Guy said that "his hair is completely incompatible with his face... he needs a real makeover". He suggested a city style slick back. At the end of the interview, Tony offered to donate a £50 Tony&Guy voucher to the Labour party .

David Cameron

All 50 hairdressers were very impressed with the work that goes into the Prime Minister's comb back. We asked them how many hours a day they thought it would take to shape his hair in this fashion in order to cover his expanding bald spot. The average time given was 3-4 hours. However, the predominant feeling was that whilst the combover is quite a feat, the Prime Minister should wear his baldspot with pride. "Look at Nick Robinson" said Mike from Stoke, "now there's a handsome, bald man with strength and confidence".

Thinking Paper # 25: Michael Gove: Fact and Fiction

By Ronnie Ford Golightly

Abstract

The second edition of our fact and fiction series arrives at the doors of the Department for Education. Not much has been made of Michael Gove in the press of late. We suspect he doesn't have as many friends in the press as George. However, our surveys suggest that he's quite a boring man, so we made a few things up which I hope you will enjoy.



Fact or Fiction?

• Michael Gove knows more about Tony Blair than Tony Blair does.
• He's read so many books about Blair and the New Labour years that sometimes he makes his wife do New Labour role plays with him. He plays Frank Dobson, the former Health Secretary.
• His favourite former Health secretary is Frank Dobson.
• He is part of the "Notting Hill Set" - the "set" also includes Hugh Grant, Kat from Eastenders and Julia Robert's character from the film with a similar name.
• He is worth £3m less than George Osborne, but £1m more than the IIPBA (how much is George Osborne said to be worth? Readers who write in with the correct answer will win an IIPBA t-shirt)
• His lips make up 70% of his face and produce 30% of the water vapour above the Department for Education building.
• He once wore his trousers so high that he didn't need to wear a shirt. However, he still wore a tie.
• He has been receiving voice coaching from George Osborne since 2001

Thinking Paper # 24: Memories and Sky News

By Ronnie Ford-Golightly

Abstract

Does anyone remember MP's expenses? We were ready to kill over this. People threatened to hang MP's from lamp posts. How about climate change? Maybe a tinge of a memory. And global poverty? Remember that? Us neither. We think we once cared about these things and may do again, but we're unsure. The IIPBA isn't questioning the authenticity of the anger and concern about these issues. It is simply concerned that our priorities are shaped and shifted by a higher force that is Sky News.


The Sky News Vicious Loop theorem

This has 3 stages: (1) We watch Sky News and get really concerned about something. The educated classes talk about these issues over dinner, politicians flap around frantically and civil servants work jolly hard for a few weeks on the relevant policy area (2) A debt crisis, an earthquake, a celebrity divorce or the start of Wimbledon hits the media and we all forget about whatever it was that we were concerned about. Politicians and the educated classes make new and concerned clucking noises over dinner and someone promises loads of made up money for something (3) the loop begins again and we forget about whatever it is we were concerned with.

An offshoot theory of this, the "I've forgotten why I cared in the first place theory", can kick in after several loops of the aforementioned theorem. What happens here is simple. After being repeatedly told to be concerned about something, we grow distressed and slightly apathetic about issues that we think that we may have once been concerned with, but don't think we are anymore.

Policy Recommendations

1. We watch less Sky News and read more books. Any books, doesn't matter

2. We try and resist concerts and wrist bands in the name of causes

3. We lobby people like Sting and Bono to put their money wherever their mouths happen to be at any given moment

4. We demand that all political party manifestos include a sub-section which reads: "Ministerial offices and party political headquarters will remove all flat screen TVs from walls and blanket ban newspaper subscriptions to the Daily Mail."

5. Prime Ministers and Prime Ministers to be should never, ever be allowed to meet Rupert Murdoch. Communication between these people should be limited to forwarding on jokes via email or text.