A short note to our readers

Dear Readers (all 9 of you),

The IIPBA would like to thank you for your support over the past year.  Our personal highlights include Bingate, Catgate, Riotgate, Gategate, DavidCameron'sbaldpatchgate, Hacking gate, Murdochgate, EricPicklesgate, Gaddafi'sdeadgate, PhilHammondshaircutgate and finally, EUgate.  We've enjoyed all of them enormously. 

Apologies for the lack of research most recently, the IIPBA team has been busy attending all of Westminster's most important Christmas parties including Rupert Harrison IV of Wingbourne's daisy chain party; a party jointly hosted by the admin teams in DWP and Defra at the Duke of Sussex in Waterloo; and the Speakers Christmas Eve soiret in which Mrs Speaker confirmed to us what a star in the making she will be in 2012. We have also spent a fair bit of our time in pound shops, asleep on London's public transport system and researching priority areas for 2012.

Have a ruddy good rest of Christmas season and we look forward to bringing you some more top quality research bollocks in the new year.

Yours forever and always,

The IIPBA team

Thinking Paper # 213: The Big Society re-visited

Abstract

 

The IIPBA has always loved the Big Society. We love it like we love an injured dog with a skin infection.  But we find ourselves agreeing with today's report by the Public Administration Select Committee (PAC) which asserts that the policy needs some leadership.  Step up Sir Francis Maude, Minister responsible for the Big Society.

 

Sir Francis Maude

 

Franny Maude was born in 1896 on a colonial plantation in Bermuda.  Since then he has made it his mission to implement the Big Society.  This has seen him project lead at least fifteen relaunches of the policy and change his middle name to "the Big S".  But is this enough?  The IIPBA feels that he may have been spending too much time of late pushing the line that all "public sector workers are bastards with big fat gold plated, tax payers money led pensions" rather than batting for the Big Society. 

 

The report

 

The report from PAC is terribly dull.  A paragraph in and this think-tank co-director was asleep at his desk dreaming about living in the Bronze Age when vegetation was lush, shirt-tie combination sets were yet to be invented and no one knew what hummus was.  The following quote made him laugh though and he decided to read on: 

 

"The Prime Minister has described the Big Society project as his "mission in politics" and has pledged "to fight for it every day, because the Big Society is here to stay.^"

 

 I genuinly wonder sometimes why, with soaring political rhetoric such as this, 40% of eligible voters in this country refuse to vote.

 

Anyway

 

In his written evidence, Franny Maude stated that the Big Society project could not be built "through the old top down approach to government, which tried to control too much from Whitehall".   Oh that old implementation trick.  The old, say something in a speech and then leave it to fester and stagger humiliated through the blogs and newspapers strategy.  Still, a little bit of energy, communication, explanation and leadership would be really useful.

 

Concluding comments

 

Onwards we plod to the sixteenth relaunch of the Big Society and this think-tank feels that the government's heart isn't quite in it.  We suggest that they make Steve Hilton a Minister of the Big Society and give him 3,000 civil servants to shout at.  This think-tank would strongly support such a move.

 

 

Thinking Paper # 212: Barbie and Ken

By Roger the misty eyed Daring

Abstract

Well well, the season is approaching, no, not Christmas you jovial fool, the season of the 2012 London Mayoral Elections. That event that’s smaller and cheaper than the Olympics but much more interesting.

The IIPBA has been awash with discussions, debates, brainstorms and long-haul Twister -thons in an attempt to compare, interpret and analyse the two frontrunners – Filthy Ken and Blundering Boris.

As the IIPBA is strictly non-partisan, we thought we would start with a clear and transparent summary of the two cheeky chappies’ achievements to date, marked with our own, patented, non-bureaucratic point-scoring system.

Clear and Transparent Summary of Achievements

Transport for London – Filthy Ken (1 point)

Oyster Card – Filthy Ken (3 points, it’s such a great name for something, isn’t it? And the blue is just so calming)

Boris’ Barclay’s Bikes – Filthy Ken (6 points) (Yeah, we know, it’s a fucking sham that Boris got his little flappers on the bike scheme, what an arse.) We have awarded 2 extra points as the Boris Bikes directly contribute to an increase in drunken, warbling hipsters pedalling around Shoreditch at silly o clock.

First person to breed the Western Dwarf Clawed Frog Hymenochirus curtipes in captivity – Filthy Ken (12 points) (yes, it is true. Thank you Internet. Thank you Wikipedia.)

Randomly painting already existing roads Tory blue, calling them a cycle superhighway and watching as cyclists everywhere speed to there deaths – Blundering Boris (-1 point)

Winning the London Olympic Bid – Filthy Ken (- 4 points)

Waving a broom in the air in Peckham to prevent himself being mobbed by angry yuppies – The Blunderer (1 point)

Not waving a broom in the air in Peckham to prevent himself being mobbed by angry yuppies – The Filthster (3 points)

Concluding remarks

We commend Boris’s apparent inability to achieve anything. We are currently distilling our own commemorative IIPBA Gin, to be bottled under the title ‘Boris’ Lethargy’. We think it will be a hit in the Russian markets.

Filthy Ken’s fantastically sordid private life also garners him an extra 100 points, yeah, keep shagging Ken.

Totals

Ken – 121 points

Boris – 1 point

Through this non-partisan, in depth, quasi-methodological analysis of both the qualitative, quantitative and the absurd, the IIPBA notes that Boris’s bumbling inactivity would produce a sum total of zero bureaucracy. Therefore we recommend him as the future overseer of the post-bureaucratic City of London.

Stick to the bloody newts Ken.

An open letter to Steve Baker MP

Dear Steve,

First of all, we owe you an apology.  As Co-Director of the Institute for Ideas in a Post Bureaucratic Age I cannot believe that we haven't approached you sooner.  Rest assured, a far reaching inquiry has been established by Sir Gus O'Donnell who will be reporting back to us in due course.

Your presence on this fine planet came to the IIPBAs attention during PMQs this afternoon when you asked Cameron the Dave whether he agreed with you that "it is time for this country to lead Europe into the hope and potential of a new post-bureaucratic age?" Of course, our dear Prime Minister failed to answer your well delivered query, but rest assured, you touched this think-tank with your words (and you may not have seen this from your angle, but you also made Andrew Mitchell smile – a rare sight I understand, but what a lovely smile).

Anyway, we agree with you that peace, spiritual fulfillment, post-bureaucracy and all of the other lovely stuff that the world has to offer will only come about when "people have more to do with each other and government's less".  In fact, we are the foremost Westminster think-tank pushing the government on the post-bureaucratic agenda, a pursuit that I must admit, has seen little success so far.  However, we are not easily deterred; rather, we are significantly strengthened to see people such as you pushing the issue from your leather seat in the belly of the monster.

This is why we would like to offer you a prestigious place on the IIPBA's board of trustees.  Failing that, would you like to come to our Christmas drinks (tbc)?

The IIPBA eagerly awaits your response.

Kind Regards,

Ron Ford Golightly

Thinking Paper #211: A masterclass on how to be a human by Cameron the Dave‏

By Ron Ford Golightly

Abstract

Cameron the Dave was interviewed this weekend on the topic of being human. He passed with flying colours. The IIPBA looks at what makes for a perfect "I'm human, honest" political interview.



Step one

Get your advisors to read the synopsis of the top 10 DVD boxsets on Amazon and then ask No10 IT to download the synopsis of the synopses on to your ipad so that you can read it whilst watching your favourite soap (the answer is dependent on your audience - Eastenders is a safe bet). The advisors should also be upto date with the contents of the latest edition of the Radio Times and Heat magazine.

Step two

Provide insight into family life which is self deprecating and humble. e.g. "And then my wife said, no you can't watch another episode of Spooks, you haven't tidied your room you naughty pickle" or something to that effect.

Step three

Pick a suitably middle class sport and say that you like it. Then display said knowledge about a big name within that particular sport. Follow this up by swigging from a can of Guinness and burping the words "I love cricket".

Step four

Try to score some political points by picking someone off the speaky box who has political views that are at odds with your own and saying how much you think that they are a "chuffing moron". But be careful not to pick someone too popular regardless of how annoying they are e.g. Jamie Oliver. For how not to do this, see the gypsy fight on YouTube between Andrew Lansley and aforementioned Mr Oliver.

Step five

Always pay heed to the all pervading religion of focus groups. For example, when asked whether you prefer the Archers or Eastenders, just bear in mind that 90% of the population bloody love Eastenders, so definitely go with that one.

Concluding comments

Did you read the interview? How much freaking TV does our Prime Minister watch? It was like reading the diary of an unemployed person. Regardless of this, you've got to take your hat off to Cameron the Dave. He's certainly better briefed than that other bloke. You remember?

Gordon: "The Arctic Monkeys would wake you up in the morning because of the noise"
Presenter: "You haven't actually got the album"
Gordon: "I have got the album actually. I've heard it and listened to it... I'm also interested in modern groups. COLDPLAY (capitals signal a panic striken yell). The bass guitarist comes from the same town as me. Kirkcaldy. So I like hearing them as well. And I've talked to him sometimes."

Thinking Paper #210 - Do we need Christmas presents? stuff?

By Tim Massingberd James

Abstract

The other day, the IIPBA's aunty got in touch asking what the IIPBA wants for Christmas. As it is, we wish we didn't have so much stuff anyway. Sometimes we wish an office fire would destroy the countless books, papers and pieces of nonsense we carry around with us. Yet tellybox tells us to go out and get more things. Where will it end?



Why do we all need so much stuff?

“Capitalism is Crisis” say the headbanging nutters on the steps of St Pauls. The IIPBA doesn't buy all that stuff about the bankers bonuses, but as far as we can tell there are some fundamendal problems with constantly buying more and more stuff. Land Rover are apparently to stop making Land Rovers because they last too long, and no one throws them away to buy another one a few years down the line. It's all nonsense.

The IIPBA done a research and found that apart from sunshine, the company of others, and the occasional pint of ale beside a warm fire, the great British public don't actually want anything any more.

However, everyone is afraid to mention it in case the Chinese come over and steal our wives. We don't necessarily need new stuff every week to make us happy, but we're so afraid of change the news keeps showing us the graphs and the numbers and telling us to buy.

Conclusion

We don't need the stuff. Everything will be alright from here on in. You will never die in a ditch filled with piss with flies in your eyes. Everything will be alright.

Saturday Thinking Points

After another weak of money, Jeremy Clarkson and Iran, the IIPBA gives you its Friday Saturday Thinking Points:

• The Prime Ministers official spokesman, Jeremy Clarkson, spoke for the whole of the Chipping Norton set when he called for public sector strikers to be "shot". The Prime Minister reassured viewers on This Morning that Jeremy didn't mean what he said. The IIPBA believes Clarkson to be an intentionally antagonistic, angry old prick who needs to maintain a fictional persona in order to make a living.

• George Osborne announced this week that he had a bum for a nose. Economic commentators were initially sceptical about the details around the announcement but then the OBR said that he definitely does have a bum for a nose and then everyone, including Stephanie Flanders said, "ok then". The IIPBA has known all of this for years.

• Remember the Big Society, Free schools and the NHS reform? Good job. It's the economy all the way. Economy, economy, economy, economy, economy.

• The Iranians rattle their sabre for war by getting some students to nick a picture of the Queen and John Travolta from the British Embassy in Tehran. The IIPBA is pushing for more really strongly worded statements from William "I'm very angry" Hague.

Thinking Paper # 209 : Should the government encourage more public sector shopping holidays?

Abstract

This week we saw Britain's biggest public sector walk out since Rod Stewart's last haircut.  The media entertained us with apocolyptic visions of mass disruption and "damp squids", and that sinister old Thatcherite, Franny Maude got all angry and up inside your face.  The IIPBA's thoughts go out to all public sector workers struggling on below inflation pay and increasingly weaker pension pots, but we also like to see the good in all situations. 

If all public sector workers were given an extra day off each month to go shopping, would this fix the economy?

Maybe.  Humanity is still pretty set on the idea that going to IKEA or Primark on the weekend will solve everyone's problems.  The IIPBA feels that this is a little too focused on the short term, but before we come up with anything better, I guess we should encourage it.

Anyway.  2 million people had a day off and about 7 people turned up at the picket line.  Maybe more.  The IIPBA was amused to hear that the extra 1.99999 million people took the opportunity to do some Christmas shopping with stores up and down the country reporting record rates of "absolutely heaving" shop floors.  What did they buy?  Who cares right, as long as they're chucking money at the economy.  Brilliant. 

Our back of a fag packet calculations suggest that if public sector workers could strike every week, high street spending would increase by 34% year on year based on quarter 4 consumer confidence predictions.  If we project these estimates into quarter 5, then the UK would see GDP growth spiral to the dizzy heights of just above 1%, the highest growth level in the G7, OECD, EU 15, G20 and BRIC nations combined.   

Final thoughts

Let the people shop.